Sometimes, I forget to mention things on this blog that have been very big in my life.
As you can probably tell from my posts over the last few weeks, I haven't been feeling so great- something which has become a pattern through the last year or so. It's linked to a lot of things, and I have a lot of support, but it's still hard to manage. Two and a bit weeks ago I finally told someone I was 'low', and because of that I had to go back to CAMHS. I say go back- I mean that I kept having my appointments postponed, but I ended up with a sort of emergency one, last Friday.
I was reluctant to go, and argued/moaned a lot about it- which I later realised wasn't because I didn't want to go as such, but because I was scared. Everyone was acting as if it would be the thing that would really help, and I was worried it wouldn't. Also because I find it very hard to do the things that I know are right.
Unfortunately, I was right. Having been told that they were the professionals and would be able to support me best, they discharged me, with next-to-nothing put in place for continued support (ie, I've been told I can refer myself somewhere). The being discharged was agreed in a way, but only because I said I didn't feel my appointments were helping, so they said that they'd discharge me.
Now I'm in the same position I was before, but with less hope, and less motivation that anywhere or anyone else will do anything to help. I know I have this amazing amazing support system, but I find it hard to depend upon on them.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to talk to one of my teachers about what next, how I'm feeling, whatever, and that might help. I don't know.
I just want the world to be perfect and happy again and that seems so far away.