Today was thought-provoking. In the afternoon, I met up with some old school friends. I'm going to be really honest, and say that I was reluctant to go. This is nothing against them, they are all absolutely lovely; it was far more to do with me as a person. I'll explain that in a minute.
Anyway, I went. We spent a couple of hours in town, mooching around, then had lunch. That was pretty much it. I have to say, I'm really glad. Again, nothing against them whatsoever. Just me.
You see, being with them made me feel partly like nothing had changed. It could have been us two years ago, going into town on a Saturday near the start of Year 11. I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I've spent a lot of time being pretty nostalgic about the past. However, nostalgia doesn't mean I want to relive it. I am not the person I was two years ago. I can't remember who that person was, really. It's only recently that I've begun to be able to look at myself and think 'yes, that's me'. It's been a huge journey, and one that I will continue, hopefully and probably for as long as I live. Feeling like it was just another day in 2012 made me feel like I haven't got anywhere, like I was stuck in the same place. That's the total opposite of the truth and I know it, but it was still a weird and uncomfortable feeling.
However, in another way, it was clear that everything had changed, and that it wasn't just like going back in time at all. School friends are weird; they're people you're friends with because you all spend so long in the same building, really. Through that you have mutual events and people to talk about. Once that's gone, you have enough conversation for a quick catch-up, and that's kind of it. There's a bit of reminiscing too, but again, not much and it's soon over. You just don't have enough in common. The four of us have all changed considerably over the past few years, and now we no longer spend so much time in the same building, we don't really have much in common. It was very different.
Added to that was my feeling of being on the outskirts. I guess that was made worse today because we were in town, and town can often make me feel a bit weird and disassociated- it's like seeing the world through a panel of glass, or a little like being in a dream. That probably contributed to my feeling like an outsider. I think it also linked back to the fact that, in the friendship group I used to be in, I often was an outsider, for all sorts of reasons. Skip forward a bit and nothing's really changed.
Lastly, there are the 'me' bits. In general, I find it easiest to have a 'clean break' with people. By this I mean that once I'm through a particular stage or group or event or whatever, I would often rather cut my ties with people than stay in vague contact. I've not explained that very well, granted, but you get the gist. I'm not sure why, aside from that it makes processing emotions a bit easier, and I guess it gives me distance. Of course, there are exceptions to that- there are various people who I'm happy to stay in semi-contact with, and others who I really really hope will never ever leave my life.
As a result of all of these things, whilst it wasn't 'bad' as such to see my old friends again, and they are all totally lovely, it felt weird in ways I didn't like. Which resulted in a soppy post to the Cat Family as I realised how much better I fit in now, how easy it is to be with all of them, how much of myself I have become and how I never want to lose any of them.
After I left town, I went to my friend's house, and had a really lovely evening there. It was the perfect antidote to the afternoon's weirdness, and I am now feeling very blissful and chilled. At the same time, that was thought provoking in it's own way, because I realised that the me I was two years ago would not be in the same place I am now. I am so so much happier now, and I actually feel like things are coming together. The me from two years ago would not have been in the same sort of situation (just gonna allude to this one, if you know you know) that made this evening important. Now, however, I'm intensely grateful for evenings such as the one I had- and that made me so so glad that the last two years have happened and that I've changed.
Basically, it was a really thought-provoking day, and just made me feel really really glad that I live the life I live. Which is a pretty important positive thought actually.