Had a bit of a weird couple of weeks... People leaving for university was really difficult, and made me feel pretty rough. Just realised how much I would rather be starting at university, alongside missing people who've left. It was not the most fun! However, I had a lovely weekend away on a training course (more to come!), and my outlook is currently a lot more positive. I'm never going to be thrilled to be staying for this extra year, but now I'm more determined than before to make the most of it. Focusing on the positive exciting plans- of which there are lots!- and finding ways to broaden my horizons, however possible. The world is beautiful!
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Wednesday, 30 September 2015
Monday, 7 September 2015
The Nice Things List
Recently, I've been feeling very trapped- watching everyone prepare for and go off to university has been difficult, as I would love to be doing that, but instead have another year in the same place. I'm absolutely determined to make the most of it, however, and am doing that in a number of ways. But, aside from making the most of it, I thought I would create a list- entitled, rather unimaginatively but very fittingly, 'The Nice List'. It's a list of nice things (or new things, or fun things) to do- one for each week of the year. I'm going to make sure to do one every week, so that I remember to take time to do interesting things, and as an act of self-love. The things on the list are varied (and some crossover with my list of 25 Things), and I think I've got a real mix of things to look forwards to- which is exactly what I wanted, so already this list is working! I've decided that some weeks I'll start the week with an intention of doing one of the things; some weeks, maybe an opportunity will present itself to me; and other weeks, I'm going to put all of the remaining things into a hat and draw one out at random! Here's to a year full of Nice Things! (Also; whilst I've already done a couple of the things on this list, I've decided that anything from before starting back at sixth form doesn't count. Which is just an excuse to do them again, really!).
1) Make a gratitude jar
2) Learn a new skill
3) Go to a nice restaurant
4) Hand out compliment cards
5) Contact someone I haven't spoken to in a while
6) Bake cookies/cakes & take them into school
7) Go roller skating
8) Go to (and take part in!) an open mic night
9) Do karaoke
10) Visit somewhere I've never been before
11) Go skinny dipping
12) Treat a friend
13) Go away (at least overnight)
14) Buy a new dress (probably from Apricot)
15) Create an accomplishments book
16) Get a new piercing
17) Hug a stranger
18) Hand out lemons wearing a top saying life
19) Buy a stranger a drink
20) Go out for cocktails
21) Make someone's day
22) Put together a care package for someone
23) Go to Clifton Rockslide
24) Finish watching OITNB
25) Have a bath with a Lush bath bomb
26) Find somewhere to see the stars (properly)
27) Do a week of (my style) really healthy eating
28) Do a clear out of clothes
29) Buy nice lingerie
30) Sort out the Den
31) Base a week's clothing on the rainbow
32) Spend an afternoon in a bookshop
33) Thank the people who mean a lot to me
34) Read a new, random book
35) Give someone a copy of my favourite book
36) Spread the love!
37) Organise a nice event
38) Fold 100 origami cranes (in rainbow colours!)
39) Write an important blog post
40) Write a poem
41) Complete three pages of writing every day for a week
42) Host a story telling night
43) Fancy dress with friends
44) Have a pamper evening
45) Show someone one of my favourite places
46) Carpe diem
47) Play a whole game of Monopoly with my sister
48) Create a comprehensive happiness list
49) Make something creative & beautiful
50) Find a way to meet new people
51) Make sure to smile at everyone I see
52) Do something nice for someone without being asked
Sunday, 14 June 2015
Dear the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
I've lost track of the number of times I've tried writing this letter. I just can't get my words to come out the way they appear inside my head. I'm kind of really tired, but I want to finish this before I go to bed. I've been trying to write this letter for as long as I can remember, and today seems like the day to get it done. Today I am 18, Harry Potter- or the wizarding world, or whatever it is I'm really writing to- and that's kind of important. I didn't really think I'd get to be here. If you hadn't be around, I guess I might not be.
I know I'm sounding melodramatic, wizarding world- there, that's almost short and snappy, we'll stick with that. I know I'm sounding melodramatic, wizarding world, and like I'm fishing for attention, but I'm not. I believe in being honest, and I believe in giving credit where credit's due. I may not know how to write this letter, but I know that I need it to be honest.
You were my Room of Requirement (get ready for the Potter metaphors, because I'm sure there will be an abundance coming right up). That is to say, you appeared right when I needed you; less like a space for the DA, and more like Dumbledore's bathroom, because I didn't know I needed you. I was- four, maybe? Little. Young enough not to really remember it. The Philosopher's Stone came out in cinemas, and we went to see it. Then we went to the library to start reading the books, or at least, for my dad to start reading them to me. I already said I was little. However, it seemed like everyone else had the same idea. The only book they had was the Prisoner of Azkaban- so we started with that one, and read the first three in reverse order.
That was one part of my life, wizarding world. There was another part of it, that wasn't so great. I'm a young carer (or I was; now I am a young adult carer). For as long as I can remember, I've been caring for someone with a mental illness. Mental illnesses are pretty damn scary when you're an adult and kind of sort of get what's going on. When you're a kid, they're a million times worse. It's all crying and being lonely and scared. It's confusing, and you have to grow up pretty quickly, and you just want to make everything better. Of course you can't, but you can try. I've been trying every day of my life, wizarding world.
Whilst I am on my soapbox, talking to the world that is most important to me, I would like to make it known that I do not bemoan being a carer. It is difficult, but I am not angry, nor is there any blame or judgement. It is rewarding. It is full of lessons, and unexpected blessings, and most of all love. If I could grant good mental health to the people I love (and to the world!), I would do it within a second. However, if I could not make the world happy, then I would not, instead, choose not to care.
Anyway, so there was that. A whole lot of stuff that I couldn't really understand, but couldn't avoid. And then- and then there was you. A magical world full of adventure. My Room of Requirement- exactly what I needed. Lesson one: you taught me how good books are for escaping from the world, when things get too much. I used you for that purpose a lot, extending your influence on my life far further than the pages. Things weren't always too fab at school, and it got a bit lonely. But it was okay, because, I wasn't Becky-the-weird-girl-on-her-own-in-the-playground anymore, I was Hermione Granger, brightest witch of her year and best friend to the Boy Who Lived. The concrete of the playground became moving staircases, and playtime after playtime was spent in magical lessons- not by myself anymore, but surrounded by hundreds of students, just like me. Magic.
No matter how scary and dark things seemed to get, you were the light switch I could always turn on (Dumbledore would be proud of that one, right?); always waiting for me with open arms. When I was sad, you held me; and when things were good- I don't want to make it sound all doom and gloom, there were far more good moments than there were bad- you were there to rejoice with me, too.
My mum and dad- ever supportive and nurturing, ever fantastic and fabulous, ever every superlative ever- cottoned on to the fact that this was a love affair, and not some two-second fad, so helped me to explore. We went on trips to places used in the films; I played in cloisters, pretended to ride a broomstick. I had robes, games, figurines. For me, your world was as real as humanly possible.
Somewhere along the line, anxiety made me it's nest, and it hasn't given me up since. An anxiety disorder, they call it. It's something that a lot of people don't really understand- I'm sick of people telling me to get over it, or be positive, that they understand and that it'll be fine. You never told me any of those things, wizarding world. You were just there. You didn't need to ask questions about why the thought of death made me panic, or why I was suddenly certain my family would be involved in a car crash, or why I thought everyone hated me. You were the complete opposite to CAMHS and therapy, where they tried to make me talk and work through things; and yet, in your own way, you were just as helpful, if not more so. It wasn't just comfort I found in your pages, it was lessons, too. I learnt some of the best things
from you- about hope, and friendship, and love. Anxiety will always be my personal Dementor, but because of you I know exactly how to cast my Patronus.
Individual members of your world had lessons for me, too. Ginny was my first feminist icon, refusing to be put down because she was a girl. As someone who enjoyed school, did well and suffered teasing for it, Hermione was my perfect heroine. Luna helped me to see that weird was not a label, but a valuable trait. From Ron, I learnt the power of friendship, and from Harry I took strength and courage. There was a lesson in every one of them.
When the Order of the Pheonix came out, it took me two seconds to fall completely in love with Nymphadora Tonks, and not very much longer to learn the section of the book in which she appears. I can't recall it word for word anymore; but I have a picture of Natalia-Tena-as-Tonks right next to my bed, and my dream magical power would still be to change my hair at will (though I do a good job of that without being magic). Tonks was partly the key to discovering my sexuality (cos let's face it, in a parallel world, we are SO married)- but, more importantly, she was the key to discovering me. And who gave me that world? You did, wizarding world.
As I got older, things got more difficult. I was just fifteen when I first started to hurt myself, out of anger and self-hatred and loneliness and sadness. By the time I was sixteen, I didn't really want to be here at all. Those are hard things to admit to, wizarding world. As I tried to save each and every person I loved, they were the Grindylows, trying to drag me back down. I don't really know where they came from either; Grindylows are complex creatures, and there's no point in wondering whether there was any cause or effect. What matters is that, with friendship, and love, and support, I managed to kick them off. I have scars from their tentacles, but I am stronger now. The Grindylows are always going to be there, in the depths of the water, and some days I can feel them tickling my feet- but I know the incantations I need to use now. If mental health is a Triwizard Tournament, then I am determined to reach the cup. You helped me with that, too; even if I didn't reach for you in those times, the words and lessons that you gave me were there. I am on the road called recovery, and I am taking a Fred and George approach of finding something to laugh about every single day. Oh, I am so indebted to you, my love. For those battling such Grindylows, I would like to take this moment to remind you that you are stronger than them; that there is always light to be found, even in the darkest of times, and that I am always around to share with you a little of what the wizarding world gave to me, if you should want it.
On a much lighter note, in there somewhere, my younger sister was born. She does not need you like I did, wizarding world, and that makes me more glad than anything else. However, even she is not immune to you. Having watched the Goblet of Fire years and years ago, she has decided she wants to be a dragon tamer (or possibly a ballerina) (or possibly both). I hope you save Charlie Weasley's job
for her, because if there is anyone in the non-wizarding world who will
achieve such a dream, it is my sister. She has more determination even than the characters you could offer, and she makes me proud every single day.
More recently, I have begun to see the importance in fighting. Like Harry fought Voldemort for killing his parents, I am fighting stigma and hatred, for hurting those I love- my beloved sister, my beyond-amazing parents, every single one of my family and friends. I want to see a world where there are no words we cannot name; where we can talk freely about what pains us, love freely who we want, and live freely. I want to get a tattoo of the word 'fight'. According to the dictionary, that word is to do with violence. You and I both know, wizarding world, that to fight is to live; to fight is to overcome the things that try to pull us down, whether that be Grindylows, or Dementors, or Voldemort. I will fight for love and equality; and when I place my flag down, it will be in your name.
I am Tonks, with my ever-changing hair and refusal to be called by my full name; I am Hermione, both clever and a friend; I am Ginny, fierce and loyal, and Luna, forever unique. I am a fragment of everything that ever made me, and you have more claim in that than most. I am not just Harry, but the wizarding world in it's entirety*.
I feel like I've reached a natural coda; to conclude, I want to tell you about the castle. A couple of years ago, we went to your museum- or to your experience, whatever you are calling it. For three hours, I lived the dream entirely. However, one of the best moments of my life will always be when I walked around the corner, and saw the castle. My mum, walking in front, said the look on my face was what made the entire trip worth it. For me, it was like coming home.
Yours, most faithfully, most thankfully, most entirely,
Becky
*But mostly I am Tonks, let's face it
Saturday, 11 April 2015
Survival Tips: Checklist Living
When the going gets tough, the tough get... Checklisting, apparently. Or at least, that's what this tough one does. Let's get some history here. When things were very bad, I couldn't stand when people seemed to run through a checklist. By that, I mean that, when I was feeling rough, people would often say 'Are you sleeping? Have you had breakfast? How much water have you drunk today? Could you get some exercise?'. If one of those wasn't complete, that was what my feelings were attributed to. It sounded so easy- as if, so long as I completed all of those things, I would be the picture of happiness. Eventually, it got to the point where just the mere mention of those things made me feel angry and like my problems were being minimised.
Flash forwards a bit. As I started to recover, I became more self-aware. I began to realise that, actually, though basic things, like eating and sleeping, weren't going to cure everything, not having done them did tend to make things feel worse. They were by no means a cure- but they could help. Plus, I realised that I needed the little things in place, as the foundations, to enable myself to do the bigger things. For example, if I hadn't slept and hadn't eaten properly, revision was pretty much a no-go until I'd got that on place.
That was the beginning of my checklist- my way of making sure that I'd got the basics in place. Some days, it would be fully written out, so I could tick the things I'd done; other days, I just needed it in my head; and, little by little- the more I made sure I was using it- some days I didn't need it at all.
Flash forward a bit more, to now. A lot of the time, the things on the checklist just get woven into the fabric of everyday life- I don't need to think about it. Other days I do, and that's okay. I think it's always going to be that way, and I'm fine with that. Sometimes I need to strip things right back to the basics. That's not giving in. That's accepting my limits and taking care of myself.
As I've had to use the checklist a bit recently, I thought I'd share it with you. Maybe it'll inspire someone to create a 'basic need checklist' of their own; maybe you've got things to add? The main thing is that it's something personal, something to fall back on when things get rough. Here ya go :)
**************************************************
So, I'm feeling rough. Have I...?
- Had enough sleep?
- Eaten three proper meals?
- Drunk 1-2L of water?
- Had some fresh air?
- Done some exercise?
- Had a chat with friends/family?
- Spent time with people?
- Walked the dog?
- Showered & got dressed?
- Had a hug?
- Spoken to someone if I need to?
- Made sure I got some downtime?
Friday, 10 April 2015
Possibly The Best Day Ever
On Thursday, I had possibly the best day ever... It really shouldn't have been good, seeing as I'd had a rough night the night before. However, despite my exhaustion, it was super super good. I spent the day with people from Mentality, filming for our new campaign. That was very productive- everything's now been filmed, and I should be able to share that in a month or two. It was also lovely to spend time with the people I was working with, and just to chill with them. Plus we took the world's cutest selfie.
Afterwards, Rosalind and I hung around for a bit of a meet & greet. Firstly, we had to work out where to wait, which took a while, and involved lots of circling the building... Once we'd finally worked out where we should be, we had to wait for aages... However, we got chatting to the people around us, and that passed the time a lot quicker- yay for new friends!! ^.^ And, of course, HP was totally worth it <3 She was absolutely lovely & adorable & yayayayay. I gave her a letter I'd written, and she signed my notebook, and made an accidental sexual innuendo (at which point I think my whole world changed dramatically) and yeah it was amazing <3 In a parallel universe somewhere, there is justice, and we are married. Agh. My heart. I could talk about this wonderful woman for hours...
Sunday, 1 March 2015
Mirror Mirror: Hair Dye
This is the first post of a series called Mirror Mirror. I'm hoping to use this series to share with you some posts about my appearance and body image, and the decisions I'm taking (or have taken) surrounding this. Seeing as this very blog is named 'Adventures with Technicolour Hair' and my ever-changing hair has become a pretty important and identifiable feature of me, it felt like the best place to start!! I've posted about my hair before- for example, one off posts such as this one and this one. In summer 2013, I even tried to put together a brief history of my hair- one that was out of date almost instantly! However, I've never spoken at length about how the hair dye really started, or why I do it. So uh- here you go!!
Then, a little later in the year, I went to see one of the Harry Potter films with my friend. We dressed up: I went as Ginny Weasley, which meant dyeing my normally-blonde hair. Again, I marvelled, but it still wasn't anything big. I was dipping my toes in the sea of hair dye- but I wasn't ready to take the plunge.
Flash forwards a year, to when I was 13. For whatever reason, I decided I wanted more black streaks, so my mum and aunt attempted to lowlight my hair... Long story short, it resulted in a whole head of black, with grey roots. I convinced my mum to let me touch up the roots, but that was meant to be it. No more hair dye. At all. End of. Umm, until the next Harry Potter film, when I lightened my black hair with lemon and tried to make it red. I think that's when the hair dye bug started to take hold- when I realised the endless opportunities, to change my hair according to occasion and as the mood took me. There was just one more step to go...
At my secondary school, hair dye was okay- but unnatural colours were a definite no-no. So, when I decided I wanted to dye my hair pink, I couldn't just go ahead and buy the dye. I had to wait until school broke up for the summer- when I instantly dyed my hair (and body!) pink.
I was completely and utterly smitten, and couldn't wait for October, so I could dye it blue in the half-term. After that came brown, then highlights, then pink again in the summer.
After that, I kept it black for quite a while. However, I was desperate to be able to experiment further. In summer 2013, two things happened. Firstly, I shaved my hair off- making it easier and cheaper to dye my hair. Secondly, I was free of secondary school and uniform rules. Heck, that was basically permission to dye my hair as absurdly as possible!!
For months, I experimented far and wide, going every colour under the sun- including a festive red/green in the run up to Christmas. In the New Year, the dyes became less frequent, but change still occurred. I found favourite dyes (Live XXL is good; I detest anything L'Oreal), swapped hair tips with strangers (my favourite moment was bumping into two other people with the same hair colour as me; we swapped to discuss products) and discovered hair colour likes and dislikes (I like purple but my hair doesn't; I absolutely loved red at the time but it now has bad memories; pink is forever my favourite and go-to). Hair dye is a world far more complex than you would think, and not one I plan on leaving anytime soon.
But- but why? Why do I do it? Well, for one, I love the anticipation- choosing the colour I think will work best, rinsing it off and trying to gauge colour, then seeing the end result. Linked to that is that it's a good distraction- when I'm feeling crap, dyeing my hair gives me something else to occupy myself and it's a nice change. I get quite bored quite easily- and changing my hair is one way to avoid that. In addition, I see hair dye as a bit part of my expression. I am colourful and loud; my hair is no exception! I am on a journey to body positivity, but I am not there yet, so looking into a mirror and being able to at least like the colour of my hair is a big thing. What's more, it's sociable- if you have unnaturally coloured hair, you become part of a group. You get told by strangers that they like your hair. You stop others to ask what dye they use. It's great
In short, hair dye, to me, is change, positivity, freedom and expression. Bright, unnatural colours- and the dye that brings them- are as much a part of me as my nose or my legs: I would not be me without them.
***
When I was 11 or 12, my cousin decided to dye his hair blue-black. I was at his house at the time, and so my aunt decided to give me a blue-black streak, too. At first, it wasn't anything much; but, after it was done, I remember marvelling at it. I loved the 'magic' the dye had done; I loved how I could make myself look different. And that was just with one streak!! However, the streak soon faded, and I wasn't tempted to dye it again.Then, a little later in the year, I went to see one of the Harry Potter films with my friend. We dressed up: I went as Ginny Weasley, which meant dyeing my normally-blonde hair. Again, I marvelled, but it still wasn't anything big. I was dipping my toes in the sea of hair dye- but I wasn't ready to take the plunge.
Flash forwards a year, to when I was 13. For whatever reason, I decided I wanted more black streaks, so my mum and aunt attempted to lowlight my hair... Long story short, it resulted in a whole head of black, with grey roots. I convinced my mum to let me touch up the roots, but that was meant to be it. No more hair dye. At all. End of. Umm, until the next Harry Potter film, when I lightened my black hair with lemon and tried to make it red. I think that's when the hair dye bug started to take hold- when I realised the endless opportunities, to change my hair according to occasion and as the mood took me. There was just one more step to go...
At my secondary school, hair dye was okay- but unnatural colours were a definite no-no. So, when I decided I wanted to dye my hair pink, I couldn't just go ahead and buy the dye. I had to wait until school broke up for the summer- when I instantly dyed my hair (and body!) pink.
After that, I kept it black for quite a while. However, I was desperate to be able to experiment further. In summer 2013, two things happened. Firstly, I shaved my hair off- making it easier and cheaper to dye my hair. Secondly, I was free of secondary school and uniform rules. Heck, that was basically permission to dye my hair as absurdly as possible!!
For months, I experimented far and wide, going every colour under the sun- including a festive red/green in the run up to Christmas. In the New Year, the dyes became less frequent, but change still occurred. I found favourite dyes (Live XXL is good; I detest anything L'Oreal), swapped hair tips with strangers (my favourite moment was bumping into two other people with the same hair colour as me; we swapped to discuss products) and discovered hair colour likes and dislikes (I like purple but my hair doesn't; I absolutely loved red at the time but it now has bad memories; pink is forever my favourite and go-to). Hair dye is a world far more complex than you would think, and not one I plan on leaving anytime soon.
But- but why? Why do I do it? Well, for one, I love the anticipation- choosing the colour I think will work best, rinsing it off and trying to gauge colour, then seeing the end result. Linked to that is that it's a good distraction- when I'm feeling crap, dyeing my hair gives me something else to occupy myself and it's a nice change. I get quite bored quite easily- and changing my hair is one way to avoid that. In addition, I see hair dye as a bit part of my expression. I am colourful and loud; my hair is no exception! I am on a journey to body positivity, but I am not there yet, so looking into a mirror and being able to at least like the colour of my hair is a big thing. What's more, it's sociable- if you have unnaturally coloured hair, you become part of a group. You get told by strangers that they like your hair. You stop others to ask what dye they use. It's great
In short, hair dye, to me, is change, positivity, freedom and expression. Bright, unnatural colours- and the dye that brings them- are as much a part of me as my nose or my legs: I would not be me without them.
Tuesday, 30 December 2014
17) Really really work on recovery
****This is a scheduled post***
Sunday, 28 December 2014
12) Get better at trusting people & 38) Be more open about my mental health/recovery/etc.
***This is a scheduled post***
I've coupled these together because I think they go kind of hand in hand, and my answer is the same for both: I'm working on it. It's not going to happen all at once, but I'm working on it, and therefore, for me, that completes them.
Friday, 7 November 2014
HEATHER PEACE CAN WE JUST
On Saturday, myself and CF went to a very exciting gig- the one and
only Heather Peace!! Anyone who's been following this blog for a while
might remember some of the posts from when I first discovered Heather;
if not, links can be found here and here!
For those totally
confused- which is a lot of people!- Heather Peace is probably best
known as Nikki Boston, the English teacher from Waterloo Road. She was
also Sam Murray on Lip Service. However, in addition to acting, she is a
singer/songwriter/musician, and has also become a bit of an LGBT
figurehead. Heather Peace, aside from being at the very top of my
'celebrities I'm in love with list', is also one of my biggest role
models. When I was struggling in April/May 2013, I listened to her first
album on repeat, and it helped me far more than I can say. In addition,
though I was largely 'out' by the time I encountered her, Heather Peace
definitely helped me to be far more open about my sexuality, and it's
largely as a result of having her as a role model that I can now be so
proud of who I am! Lastly, if she hadn't been in Waterloo Road then I
wouldn't have started watching Lip Service. Fav TV show right there!
Anyway,
I was obviously really pleased to find out that she was touring and
doing a gig in Bristol, and I was beyond thrilled when I got two tickets
for my birthday! I've been super excited about the gig for a while, so
my only concern was that it might not live up to my expectations in some
way.
I really needn't have worried! From the moment Heather
came onstage I was pretty entranced. Having spent so long watching Lip
Service and Waterloo Road, alongside her music videos on YouTube etc.,
it was very weird to see her in 'real life'- but definitely good weird!
She had the crowd on her side right from the start and it was easy to
tell how popular she has become!
In terms of highlights of the
night, it's really hard to choose. However, Fairytales- the title track
from her first album- was particularly amazing; it's one of my
favourite songs, and I've listened to it countless times, so seeing it
live was obviously pretty fantastic! The Thin Line, the title track from
her second album, was also fantastic, as was Love Affair With Misery,
which had a melody that I really like for some reason. She also did
three covers- Let Me Love You (originally by Ne-Yo), Go Your Own Way
(Fleetwood Mac) and The Edge of Heaven (Wham!). Each of these was very
good- I particularly liked the way she interpreted Let Me Love You, and
the energy in The Edge of Heaven. In fact, the energy overall was fab!!
If
I had to choose a favourite song from the night, I'd be torn between
two. Firstly, We Can Change, which Heather refers to as a gay anthem,
but says applies to any minority. This was her last song, and the whole
audience (which was almost all women, many of whom were LGBT+) joined
it- it was such a fantastic experience! For different reasons, In My
Arms (from HP's second album) was another top favourite. I'm not going
to go into the reasons as to why this was a fav; it's enough that it
*was*.
After the gig, CF and I decided (um, okay, I decided,
CF went along with it) to find the stage door. We- and a large number of
others!- had to wait around an hour. However, we were eventually
rewarded by the hero of the night herself!
We
queued up and it wasn't long before we got a chance to meet her! We
both got her autograph, then had a picture together, which is now
officially my favourite picture ever ever ever full stop. After that, I
asked HP if I could have a hug, then thanked her for everything she's
done. And cried a bit. Basically I totally embarrassed myself in front
of her, but y'know. Ah well and all that. It was really incredible
getting to meet her, because I genuinely don't think I'd be in the
position I'm in now had it not been for her, both in terms of my mental
health and my sexuality.
So that was that! Easily the
best night of my life, for a million and one reasons, and definitely a
memory to hold onto!! The whole thing just went far far beyond words
really! (Resisting the temptation to let this post go into full on
fangirl...)
BEST PICTURE EVER
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
Turning Off
I'm the first to tell you that I really do love my life. I get to do the things I'm passionate about, I laugh multiple times every day, I have a thousand things to look forwards to, I start and end each day with a smile, and I get to share it all with some of the most amazing people on this planet. I really do love the life I live each day.
However, that's not to say that it doesn't get stressful, nor to say that there aren't bad times or problems. There are. At the moment, one of the things I'm struggling with is being constantly busy, and constantly 'switched on'. As a lot of what I do is based online, both in 'work' and personal, it can be quite hard to get away from everything. If I'm not at school, or at Brook, or Mentality, then I'm probably writing a blog for here or PBG, or finding an article to post to PBG, or responding to a notification, or participating in a late night discussion with my friends.
I'm not complaining about any of that, because I'm choosing to do all of it, but, as I said before, it does mean that I am constantly 'on', and even breaks can be quite busy. This is really tiring; it also means that, being busy, I don't always have time to give to people and things that are even more deserving of my attention. My sister, for example. I think I blogged about the time she wrote, in a school lesson, 'I love playing with my sister when she isn't busy'. Cue the sound of my heart breaking a little bit. My sister truly is the apple of my eye, and I hate to think that she might not see herself as being first in my life. I feel guilty about that quite a lot, though recently I have been tackling that by making sure I make time for her, with my phone off.
I also have to make sure I look after my mental health. If that slips, then I won't be able to keep doing what I do, and I really really don't want that to happen. One of the strategies I've come up for this is to turn my phone off as a form of self-care. Normally, this happens overnight (I'm a light sleeper, so if my phone is on I am easily woken up by any text, notification or other), when I have a bath (because baths are great for relaxation, and keeping my phone on is just counter-productive) and when I go for long dog walks (this has been a coping mechanism I've used for a while; it's just great to get out by myself, with just the dog and my music for company, and not have to worry about checking my phone). These times have really really worked for helping me to destress a bit.
Turning my phone off is great. It means I can give my full attention to the rest of the world, and it's giving my mind permission not to be constantly alert for the buzz that means I've got to attend to something. We live in a world where social media is taking over, more and more, every day. Whilst I can definitely see the positives in it- this blog being an example!- there's got to be a limit too. I need to stop being on the go. Over the past couple of weeks or so, I've been ill twice. I'm not sleeping so well. I'm feeling ratty and caged in quite a bit. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I really do need a break. So, with a trip away planned for the next few days, I've decided that I'm going to switch off. I'm not checking my Facebook, my Twitter, my email or even this blog. Aside from when it's absolutely necessary, I'm turning my phone off, and leaving it behind. I'm giving myself permission to relax, and to focus completely on me and my family. I'm really looking forward to it.
However, that's not to say that it doesn't get stressful, nor to say that there aren't bad times or problems. There are. At the moment, one of the things I'm struggling with is being constantly busy, and constantly 'switched on'. As a lot of what I do is based online, both in 'work' and personal, it can be quite hard to get away from everything. If I'm not at school, or at Brook, or Mentality, then I'm probably writing a blog for here or PBG, or finding an article to post to PBG, or responding to a notification, or participating in a late night discussion with my friends.
I'm not complaining about any of that, because I'm choosing to do all of it, but, as I said before, it does mean that I am constantly 'on', and even breaks can be quite busy. This is really tiring; it also means that, being busy, I don't always have time to give to people and things that are even more deserving of my attention. My sister, for example. I think I blogged about the time she wrote, in a school lesson, 'I love playing with my sister when she isn't busy'. Cue the sound of my heart breaking a little bit. My sister truly is the apple of my eye, and I hate to think that she might not see herself as being first in my life. I feel guilty about that quite a lot, though recently I have been tackling that by making sure I make time for her, with my phone off.
I also have to make sure I look after my mental health. If that slips, then I won't be able to keep doing what I do, and I really really don't want that to happen. One of the strategies I've come up for this is to turn my phone off as a form of self-care. Normally, this happens overnight (I'm a light sleeper, so if my phone is on I am easily woken up by any text, notification or other), when I have a bath (because baths are great for relaxation, and keeping my phone on is just counter-productive) and when I go for long dog walks (this has been a coping mechanism I've used for a while; it's just great to get out by myself, with just the dog and my music for company, and not have to worry about checking my phone). These times have really really worked for helping me to destress a bit.
Turning my phone off is great. It means I can give my full attention to the rest of the world, and it's giving my mind permission not to be constantly alert for the buzz that means I've got to attend to something. We live in a world where social media is taking over, more and more, every day. Whilst I can definitely see the positives in it- this blog being an example!- there's got to be a limit too. I need to stop being on the go. Over the past couple of weeks or so, I've been ill twice. I'm not sleeping so well. I'm feeling ratty and caged in quite a bit. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I really do need a break. So, with a trip away planned for the next few days, I've decided that I'm going to switch off. I'm not checking my Facebook, my Twitter, my email or even this blog. Aside from when it's absolutely necessary, I'm turning my phone off, and leaving it behind. I'm giving myself permission to relax, and to focus completely on me and my family. I'm really looking forward to it.
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
Bristol by Night
Thanks to being ill (twice) and having lots and lots of work to do, the last week or so has been very different to what life's usually like. I've probably spent more time in the house over this last week and a bit than I have since before summer began. All very weird.
What spending lots of time in the house means is that I value the time I'm able to get out and about even more. Particularly when, as with last Saturday, I get to spend time not just in one of my favourite places, but in one of my favourite places at the time I enjoy it most. Have some pictures from Bristol Harbourside at night. Just me, my earphones/music, lots of beautiful lights and the rest of the world.
This is my kind of beyond words beautiful/inexplicable happiness.
What spending lots of time in the house means is that I value the time I'm able to get out and about even more. Particularly when, as with last Saturday, I get to spend time not just in one of my favourite places, but in one of my favourite places at the time I enjoy it most. Have some pictures from Bristol Harbourside at night. Just me, my earphones/music, lots of beautiful lights and the rest of the world.
This is my kind of beyond words beautiful/inexplicable happiness.
Saturday, 4 October 2014
Reunion
Today was thought-provoking. In the afternoon, I met up with some old school friends. I'm going to be really honest, and say that I was reluctant to go. This is nothing against them, they are all absolutely lovely; it was far more to do with me as a person. I'll explain that in a minute.
Anyway, I went. We spent a couple of hours in town, mooching around, then had lunch. That was pretty much it. I have to say, I'm really glad. Again, nothing against them whatsoever. Just me.
You see, being with them made me feel partly like nothing had changed. It could have been us two years ago, going into town on a Saturday near the start of Year 11. I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I've spent a lot of time being pretty nostalgic about the past. However, nostalgia doesn't mean I want to relive it. I am not the person I was two years ago. I can't remember who that person was, really. It's only recently that I've begun to be able to look at myself and think 'yes, that's me'. It's been a huge journey, and one that I will continue, hopefully and probably for as long as I live. Feeling like it was just another day in 2012 made me feel like I haven't got anywhere, like I was stuck in the same place. That's the total opposite of the truth and I know it, but it was still a weird and uncomfortable feeling.
However, in another way, it was clear that everything had changed, and that it wasn't just like going back in time at all. School friends are weird; they're people you're friends with because you all spend so long in the same building, really. Through that you have mutual events and people to talk about. Once that's gone, you have enough conversation for a quick catch-up, and that's kind of it. There's a bit of reminiscing too, but again, not much and it's soon over. You just don't have enough in common. The four of us have all changed considerably over the past few years, and now we no longer spend so much time in the same building, we don't really have much in common. It was very different.
Added to that was my feeling of being on the outskirts. I guess that was made worse today because we were in town, and town can often make me feel a bit weird and disassociated- it's like seeing the world through a panel of glass, or a little like being in a dream. That probably contributed to my feeling like an outsider. I think it also linked back to the fact that, in the friendship group I used to be in, I often was an outsider, for all sorts of reasons. Skip forward a bit and nothing's really changed.
Lastly, there are the 'me' bits. In general, I find it easiest to have a 'clean break' with people. By this I mean that once I'm through a particular stage or group or event or whatever, I would often rather cut my ties with people than stay in vague contact. I've not explained that very well, granted, but you get the gist. I'm not sure why, aside from that it makes processing emotions a bit easier, and I guess it gives me distance. Of course, there are exceptions to that- there are various people who I'm happy to stay in semi-contact with, and others who I really really hope will never ever leave my life.
As a result of all of these things, whilst it wasn't 'bad' as such to see my old friends again, and they are all totally lovely, it felt weird in ways I didn't like. Which resulted in a soppy post to the Cat Family as I realised how much better I fit in now, how easy it is to be with all of them, how much of myself I have become and how I never want to lose any of them.
After I left town, I went to my friend's house, and had a really lovely evening there. It was the perfect antidote to the afternoon's weirdness, and I am now feeling very blissful and chilled. At the same time, that was thought provoking in it's own way, because I realised that the me I was two years ago would not be in the same place I am now. I am so so much happier now, and I actually feel like things are coming together. The me from two years ago would not have been in the same sort of situation (just gonna allude to this one, if you know you know) that made this evening important. Now, however, I'm intensely grateful for evenings such as the one I had- and that made me so so glad that the last two years have happened and that I've changed.
Basically, it was a really thought-provoking day, and just made me feel really really glad that I live the life I live. Which is a pretty important positive thought actually.
Friday, 5 September 2014
An Anxious Return
Yesterday I returned to sixth form. Much excitement- or something like that. I can't say that I wasn't excited in some ways, as there were things I was really looking forward to. However, I was also hugely anxious and stressed about it all. Last term, I made the decision to drop Music, leaving me with two A2 subjects (Psychology and English Language). To make up for this, I had to pick up two new AS levels- Sociology and Law. This wasn't the easiest of decisions, but it was one I put a lot of thought into it, and I can now say that it's something I'm happy with overall. It's just going to take some getting used to, and I've had to accept that there will be parts of it that could be difficult. Long term, that will be taking an extra year when many of my friends have left, and giving up on my gap year dreams. Short term, there's a whole host of other things to deal with...
I knew when I got my timetable that yesterday had the potential to be difficult- on Thursdays, I have both my AS subjects. That meant that yesterday was similar to starting sixth form all over again- except that I wasn't, and the combination of the two made things quite difficult to deal with. Though I didn't have to worry about finding rooms (thank goodness), I did have to go in by myself (which I put off, both times, until the very last minute) and try to find a friendly face to sit by. There was no one I really knew in either class, which made me feel a lot more anxious; in both cases I kind of just went for whichever seat I could find! For Law I also don't really know the teacher (though I do kind of know her, which is better than nothing!), which was nerve-wracking. As a consequence of everything, I was really really quiet, which is nothing like I am normally, but then again the rest of the class was pretty quiet, so it wasn't out of place. I felt like I was giving a bad impression though- made even worse when I was late back from break (got waylaid talking to my old head of year). Thankfully I've known the Sociology teacher for quite a while, and we get on really well, so that was a little less nerve-wracking, and I spoke a bit more. Unfortunately, I did have the problem of doing group-work with people who I didn't know but who all knew each other... Bit awkward.
Even without the stress of starting new subjects, going back to school was hard- I really really don't cope with change at all, and there's often a lot of change to process at the beginning of a new school year. There are loads of new faces around the place, and occasionally the school changes around a bit. There were two even bigger changes this year: firstly, we have a completely different leadership team, which means that it's all change in general, which will take a while to get used to and means that I no longer know anyone in the leadership. Pretty scary, especially when last year I got on really well with both my head of year and the Year 13 head, so was happy talking to either of them if I needed to. Also, most of the Cat Family have left, which makes me sad. It's weird not seeing them around the place, and even weirder knowing that they won't be in Music, or at Music after-school club. Heck, I won't be in Music much, or at Music after-school club. Yet another thing to get used to.
As a result of all of that, I felt pretty exhausted and stressed out by the end of yesterday. I then went to Mentality, and then to meet up with CF, who was at a social thing for a group she works with. That meant being around new people, which in retrospect probably wasn't the best idea as it was another stressful occurrence- think I overdid it on the stressful situation front yesterday!
Today was no better; to accommodate my other choices, I've had to move my English Language not just to another class, but to another school. That meant getting the bus from somewhere I've never caught it before, getting to the school, getting to my class, settling in where everyone has their groups/friendships already, two teachers I'd never even heard of before, catching up on the work they did last term... Incredibly full on!! Made easier because I know someone in the class quite well, and other friends are doing lessons at the school at the same time- thank goodness!!
Following all of this, we had an assembly at school which didn't go down too well. The less said about this the better really, it just left everyone with mixed feelings and morale wasn't so great.
After all of that, got home to find out that my sister had to write about her family today. What did she say about me? 'I love playing with my sister when she has time'. The first bit was adorable; the second bit made me sad, and even more stressed. I wish I had more time to play with my sister :(
All in all, it's been a pretty tough couple of days, and I'm feeling very much worse for wear now. Very very much in need of some serious sleep, hugs and a relaxing weekend!!
However. I don't want to leave this on a negative note, because there have actually been some really good moments in the last few days- I spent my last day of the summer holidays in the best way possible, with tea and fabulous company. I then received a couple of really really lovely, motivating texts on Wednesday/Thursday that made me smile a lot and made things a lot easier to deal with. On Thursday I got to see people again, there was lots of catching up, and there were hugs all round several times, which was lovely. Although the leadership in sixth form has changed, my tutor's the same, which is really positive. Mentality was fab, and it was really good to see CF on Thursday, as stressed as I was. Finally, today some of the Cat Family came into school in the afternoon, which made me absolutely thrilled beyond words, and I played Monopoly with my sister this evening!! Also just the fact that I did get through it all, and I've coped pretty well considering, and I know it could all have gone a lot lot worse. So- stressed, tired, anxious and realising I've overdone it, yes. But I still can't say it's been a *bad* couple of days, I know it'll get better once I've settled in more, and it has made me appreciate the good moments a lot more!
Definitely time to hit the hay now. Over and out x
I knew when I got my timetable that yesterday had the potential to be difficult- on Thursdays, I have both my AS subjects. That meant that yesterday was similar to starting sixth form all over again- except that I wasn't, and the combination of the two made things quite difficult to deal with. Though I didn't have to worry about finding rooms (thank goodness), I did have to go in by myself (which I put off, both times, until the very last minute) and try to find a friendly face to sit by. There was no one I really knew in either class, which made me feel a lot more anxious; in both cases I kind of just went for whichever seat I could find! For Law I also don't really know the teacher (though I do kind of know her, which is better than nothing!), which was nerve-wracking. As a consequence of everything, I was really really quiet, which is nothing like I am normally, but then again the rest of the class was pretty quiet, so it wasn't out of place. I felt like I was giving a bad impression though- made even worse when I was late back from break (got waylaid talking to my old head of year). Thankfully I've known the Sociology teacher for quite a while, and we get on really well, so that was a little less nerve-wracking, and I spoke a bit more. Unfortunately, I did have the problem of doing group-work with people who I didn't know but who all knew each other... Bit awkward.
Even without the stress of starting new subjects, going back to school was hard- I really really don't cope with change at all, and there's often a lot of change to process at the beginning of a new school year. There are loads of new faces around the place, and occasionally the school changes around a bit. There were two even bigger changes this year: firstly, we have a completely different leadership team, which means that it's all change in general, which will take a while to get used to and means that I no longer know anyone in the leadership. Pretty scary, especially when last year I got on really well with both my head of year and the Year 13 head, so was happy talking to either of them if I needed to. Also, most of the Cat Family have left, which makes me sad. It's weird not seeing them around the place, and even weirder knowing that they won't be in Music, or at Music after-school club. Heck, I won't be in Music much, or at Music after-school club. Yet another thing to get used to.
As a result of all of that, I felt pretty exhausted and stressed out by the end of yesterday. I then went to Mentality, and then to meet up with CF, who was at a social thing for a group she works with. That meant being around new people, which in retrospect probably wasn't the best idea as it was another stressful occurrence- think I overdid it on the stressful situation front yesterday!
Today was no better; to accommodate my other choices, I've had to move my English Language not just to another class, but to another school. That meant getting the bus from somewhere I've never caught it before, getting to the school, getting to my class, settling in where everyone has their groups/friendships already, two teachers I'd never even heard of before, catching up on the work they did last term... Incredibly full on!! Made easier because I know someone in the class quite well, and other friends are doing lessons at the school at the same time- thank goodness!!
Following all of this, we had an assembly at school which didn't go down too well. The less said about this the better really, it just left everyone with mixed feelings and morale wasn't so great.
After all of that, got home to find out that my sister had to write about her family today. What did she say about me? 'I love playing with my sister when she has time'. The first bit was adorable; the second bit made me sad, and even more stressed. I wish I had more time to play with my sister :(
All in all, it's been a pretty tough couple of days, and I'm feeling very much worse for wear now. Very very much in need of some serious sleep, hugs and a relaxing weekend!!
However. I don't want to leave this on a negative note, because there have actually been some really good moments in the last few days- I spent my last day of the summer holidays in the best way possible, with tea and fabulous company. I then received a couple of really really lovely, motivating texts on Wednesday/Thursday that made me smile a lot and made things a lot easier to deal with. On Thursday I got to see people again, there was lots of catching up, and there were hugs all round several times, which was lovely. Although the leadership in sixth form has changed, my tutor's the same, which is really positive. Mentality was fab, and it was really good to see CF on Thursday, as stressed as I was. Finally, today some of the Cat Family came into school in the afternoon, which made me absolutely thrilled beyond words, and I played Monopoly with my sister this evening!! Also just the fact that I did get through it all, and I've coped pretty well considering, and I know it could all have gone a lot lot worse. So- stressed, tired, anxious and realising I've overdone it, yes. But I still can't say it's been a *bad* couple of days, I know it'll get better once I've settled in more, and it has made me appreciate the good moments a lot more!
Definitely time to hit the hay now. Over and out x
Thursday, 4 September 2014
Farewell to Summer
Tomorrow I start Year 13. Therefore, today is the last day of the summer. Not just any summer. The biggest and best summer I have ever had. The sort of time period that becomes a landmark- it feels so weird to be going back to sixth form tomorrow, because I have grown and changed so much in the past few weeks.
For me, the summer always begins with my birthday, this year celebrated in three parts- with my family on the day, with my friends for a picnic, and with the WombBuds. Soon after this, there was YCF2014, which was a really fantastic weekend. At the beginning of July I started my Level Two swim teaching course, which was nerve-wracking but which actually went really well! I also went up to London to watch the amazing drama group perform (and to take pictures of beautiful beautiful London). I also went to see CAITLIN MORAN, and blogged about this for PBG. Though I was incredibly busy with the swim teaching, I got to go to PRIDE for a bit, which was really fab- so going again next year!! The following week was my work experience, which was very positive (and also involved lots of vegetables and the Playground Cafe). The video I helped make with Rife Magazine premiered, and I felt pretty accomplished (finished the swim course and got my piano results back), PCH turned 18 and I went to the Harbour Festival on my lemon!
The week after I got to see some of the swimming friends, including someone I only see once a year or so, and I saw the WombBuds. At the weekend I went to a party at the place I did my work experience, and also failed at baking, much to CF's disgust. The next week, I went away on a residential with NCS (albeit after missing a day due to being ill). I missed the second week of the residential, but did manage to go for a day, which was fab. The rest of the week was amazingly magical as I frolicked with the elves in Efteling!!
When I returned from Efteling my friend and I dyed our hair and went to the Balloon Fiesta. There was more NCS the next week as we volunteered with Wild Goose and planned our project; I blogged about everything we did here. The same week, I got my A level results and (some of) Cat Family had a sleepover.
The next week there was a lot more NCS; I also went on the radio, which was a huge personal goal.
Finally, I had possibly the biggest week of my life- we did the sponsored sleep-out, I went on an exciting trip to London (for tourism and Parliament and general feminist chilling) and, finally, Team Lucky Cat had a sleepover and did Color Me Rad!!
Wow!! I'm exhausted just thinking about it to be honest. It's been such an amazing summer. I've met and got to know some truly fantastic people; I've also spent more time with people I knew anyway who fit into the category of truly fantastic. Thank you to all of them.
It's also been a big summer in terms of development and growth. I've had some experiences that have really made me think, some to the point of changing me and helping me grow as a person. I'm looking at the world a little differently now, and I think that's for the better. I've made decisions that not everyone will agree with, I've done things that I- don't regret, exactly, but wish I'd done differently. I've really really learnt a great deal, and I am taking so much away from this.
It's just been- well, beyond words. And I know I harp on about mental health a lot, but- this time last year I was really ill, and I couldn't see things getting any better. I've come so so far, to the point of being able to say that I'm the happiest I've ever been. That is so so huge, I really can't emphasise how much that means to me.
Summer 2014, you have been freaking amazing. You have been such a landmark in my life. Thank you for being rad, and thank you so much to everyone I've shared it with. All the love. So much love.
Year 13? Get ready. Here I come.
For me, the summer always begins with my birthday, this year celebrated in three parts- with my family on the day, with my friends for a picnic, and with the WombBuds. Soon after this, there was YCF2014, which was a really fantastic weekend. At the beginning of July I started my Level Two swim teaching course, which was nerve-wracking but which actually went really well! I also went up to London to watch the amazing drama group perform (and to take pictures of beautiful beautiful London). I also went to see CAITLIN MORAN, and blogged about this for PBG. Though I was incredibly busy with the swim teaching, I got to go to PRIDE for a bit, which was really fab- so going again next year!! The following week was my work experience, which was very positive (and also involved lots of vegetables and the Playground Cafe). The video I helped make with Rife Magazine premiered, and I felt pretty accomplished (finished the swim course and got my piano results back), PCH turned 18 and I went to the Harbour Festival on my lemon!
The week after I got to see some of the swimming friends, including someone I only see once a year or so, and I saw the WombBuds. At the weekend I went to a party at the place I did my work experience, and also failed at baking, much to CF's disgust. The next week, I went away on a residential with NCS (albeit after missing a day due to being ill). I missed the second week of the residential, but did manage to go for a day, which was fab. The rest of the week was amazingly magical as I frolicked with the elves in Efteling!!
When I returned from Efteling my friend and I dyed our hair and went to the Balloon Fiesta. There was more NCS the next week as we volunteered with Wild Goose and planned our project; I blogged about everything we did here. The same week, I got my A level results and (some of) Cat Family had a sleepover.
The next week there was a lot more NCS; I also went on the radio, which was a huge personal goal.
Finally, I had possibly the biggest week of my life- we did the sponsored sleep-out, I went on an exciting trip to London (for tourism and Parliament and general feminist chilling) and, finally, Team Lucky Cat had a sleepover and did Color Me Rad!!
Wow!! I'm exhausted just thinking about it to be honest. It's been such an amazing summer. I've met and got to know some truly fantastic people; I've also spent more time with people I knew anyway who fit into the category of truly fantastic. Thank you to all of them.
It's also been a big summer in terms of development and growth. I've had some experiences that have really made me think, some to the point of changing me and helping me grow as a person. I'm looking at the world a little differently now, and I think that's for the better. I've made decisions that not everyone will agree with, I've done things that I- don't regret, exactly, but wish I'd done differently. I've really really learnt a great deal, and I am taking so much away from this.
It's just been- well, beyond words. And I know I harp on about mental health a lot, but- this time last year I was really ill, and I couldn't see things getting any better. I've come so so far, to the point of being able to say that I'm the happiest I've ever been. That is so so huge, I really can't emphasise how much that means to me.
Summer 2014, you have been freaking amazing. You have been such a landmark in my life. Thank you for being rad, and thank you so much to everyone I've shared it with. All the love. So much love.
Year 13? Get ready. Here I come.
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
Radioooo!
So uh this morning I was featured on BBC Radio Bristol, talking about my mental health and youth mental health services. Very very exciting, and I am so so pleased to have been involved!! If you want to have a listen, follow this link- my segment is at around 7:35ish!
Headspace!!
As you may have gathered from various blogging things, I have been really really busy recently. This is fab- I'm doing lots, and enjoying it all, and everything is pretty fabby. However, I blog a lot about the big stuff I do that makes me busy. This isn't a post about that. This is a post about the times I'm not busy.
Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am very much a people person. I love meeting people, I love chatting- I just love people really! However, in order to be that people person, I very much need my own space too- time when I can recover from being busy and being surrounded by people- which are two things I am a lot of the time.
I call the time I have to myself 'headspace'- time and space that allows me to get my head together, and allows me to be me. Headspace can take various forms, depending on where I am and what's going on. If I have the time, I absolutely love long walks with the dog- yesterday evening I went to one of my favourite spots just at the right time to make the most of the beautiful views, which was really lovely and very calming.
However, with being busy and rushing around a lot, I've had to find ways of getting headspace in other ways too. For example, today I had an hour between NCS and Brook, so I sat by the Harbour with my notebook and headphones. The Harbour is one of my absolute favourite places, probably ever, and it's great when I need a break because I'm surrounded by people, and I get to people watch, but I don't have to interact.
This coping mechanism has been hugely important recently, as so much of my time has been spent with people, many of whom I don't know that well. I love all of that, of course, but it means I value my time alone more, even if it's a ten minute walk with my headphones in.
So there you go: headspace!
Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am very much a people person. I love meeting people, I love chatting- I just love people really! However, in order to be that people person, I very much need my own space too- time when I can recover from being busy and being surrounded by people- which are two things I am a lot of the time.
I call the time I have to myself 'headspace'- time and space that allows me to get my head together, and allows me to be me. Headspace can take various forms, depending on where I am and what's going on. If I have the time, I absolutely love long walks with the dog- yesterday evening I went to one of my favourite spots just at the right time to make the most of the beautiful views, which was really lovely and very calming.
So there you go: headspace!
Monday, 21 July 2014
21st July: Biggest Accomplishments
My biggest accomplishments... Well, doing well in my GCSEs is a pretty big one. Going through with shaving my hair off for charity is another big one, particularly as I raised £608.13 for Mind! Umm... Getting my piano grades (my latest is a merit in Grade 6), and completing both Level One and Level Two in swim teaching. Also being awarded General Excellence in Year 9, and a CLF award in Year 11. Lastly, being accepted as a blogger for PBG, and the guest post I wrote for Mental Health Awareness Week. I guess those are my main accomplishments, so to speak.
However, I have some other accomplishments that I'm proud of, that maybe don't fit into the stereotypical answer for this one. Firstly- for completing my GCSEs in the first place. I was quite ill, and that made them pretty damn hard; getting good grades was just a bonus, really. Another thing I'm really proud of is dropping Biology halfway through my AS year. It might not sound like much, but for me it was a huge step in accepting that something was going wrong and doing something to change that. I also think I've made some accomplishments with my recovery; I've got to 160 days clean (today, in fact) and I am in a much much better place than I was last year- in fact, a much much better place than ever before. It's hard work, and I'm forever terrified of going backwards, but I'm here.
Finally, there are the tiny ones that actually mean a great deal. Anyone ever tells me I've done well, or says that they're proud of me, or even just say that they like me- those are all huge accomplishments for me, because they're reminders that maybe, just maybe, I am accomplishing whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish!
I think that's all...
However, I have some other accomplishments that I'm proud of, that maybe don't fit into the stereotypical answer for this one. Firstly- for completing my GCSEs in the first place. I was quite ill, and that made them pretty damn hard; getting good grades was just a bonus, really. Another thing I'm really proud of is dropping Biology halfway through my AS year. It might not sound like much, but for me it was a huge step in accepting that something was going wrong and doing something to change that. I also think I've made some accomplishments with my recovery; I've got to 160 days clean (today, in fact) and I am in a much much better place than I was last year- in fact, a much much better place than ever before. It's hard work, and I'm forever terrified of going backwards, but I'm here.
Finally, there are the tiny ones that actually mean a great deal. Anyone ever tells me I've done well, or says that they're proud of me, or even just say that they like me- those are all huge accomplishments for me, because they're reminders that maybe, just maybe, I am accomplishing whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish!
I think that's all...
Be Thankful
Today I saw a display about keeping a gratitude journal- basically, keeping a record of things that you're thankful for. It's an idea that's been quite popular on social media recently, and I think it's a good idea. The statistic on the display was that a gratitude journal can improve happiness by 25%; whether or not that's true, my counsellor at OTR did point out that there seemed to be a link between my mood improving and my own version of a gratitude journal. At the time, I thought what I was doing was too small to have a real significance on my mood. Now, however, I am more self-aware and I do think it was a big help.
As regular readers of this blog will know, I am all for promising to do blog series and never following up on them. Therefore, I'm not going to promise a regular series or anything- I'm just going to post things I'm grateful for every now and again, and I would be thrilled if people want to join in as comment theirs.
So, things I am thankful for from this week...
- Shadowing a really fab guy for work experience
- The group I worked with at the Watershed (more to come on this one!)
- What can be produced when we work together
- Instant best friends
- Hard work that makes you feel like you're actually doing something
- Cute pubs
- People who go out of their way to welcome you
- Those who refuse just to take, but give back as much as they can
- Having a voice
- The amazing increase in my confidence over the past year or so
- Cucumbers, melons and cauliflower
- Amazing quirky cafés
- Hot afternoons by the harbour
- Good conversation
- Thoughtfulness
- The amazing shows out on by the school drama group; always with a message and something to think about
- Lifts home from GS, and friends who are always there to catch me when I fall, never judging, just comforting
- Having enough food, enough of the necessities, enough money
- People who refuse to let their struggles affect their selves
- Amazing friends and good parties
- PCH, for *having* that good party, and also for being awesome all the time
- Enthusiastic young swimmers
- Being able to resolve disputes
- Versatility
- Grown up conversation
- Dancing with kids like a kid
- Jumping up and down and screaming lyrics, because why not
- Catch ups with old friends
- Change and growth
- Later starts on a Sunday morning
- The completion of my swim teaching course
- The amazing events Bristol has to offer
- Independence- being able to enjoy an event by myself
- People watching
- Central library
- Walks around Bristol
- Wombbuds
- Angelberry
- Compliments
- Conversations that really make me think
- This blog- two years on, and I am loving it even more
- My bed!
Sunday, 20 July 2014
19th July: Write About Something 'Deep'
At the beginning of July, I sat down and wrote out my list of blog prompts. I'm not going to claim all the credit- I used several others as inspiration. However, it was me who collated the list I'm using, and in the order I'm using them. I tried to make it as random and theme-less as possible, just to keep it interesting. Weird, then, that this prompt came up just when I needed it most.
There are so, so many choices in life. There are the tiny ones that we make every day- for example, what cereal to have for breakfast. There are the choices that will have an impact on other choices, like what cereal to buy in the first place. There are the bigger choices- what to do with your life, whether to stay, whether to go. So many choices.
There are lots of people who will talk about regret, and say that they wish they'd chosen differently. A while back, I thought about that and decided it was a waste of time. Firstly, the choices I've made in the past are, as the sentence suggests, in the past. There's nothing that can be done to change them, so there's no point spending time worrying or thinking about it. In addition to this- humans are complex creations. We do not make our choices lightly, even when we think we do. We are always looking for what feels right, and we act accordingly. Therefore, every choice has reason, and that reason is the deciding factor at the time.
Of course, that's not to say that, in not regretting, I am removing the past as quickly as it happens. I'm not. What I'm doing is looking at it in a different way, finding the lessons in everything I'm doing and using those lessons to become a wiser and stronger person. I have found this immensely useful. I would recommend letting go of regret to everyone and anyone.
Lastly- whenever you are angry or upset or whatever with someone, and the choices they have made, remember that they have done what they think is right. That does not make it right; but it's a reminder that they are trying, just as you are. There are choices we will never understand, made by both ourselves and others. All we can do is proceed.
Friday, 4 July 2014
Koala-fications
Remember last year when I did my Swim Teaching Level One course? Well, in less than two hours I'm starting Level Two. Essentially, this will qualify me to do what I'm doing, but also to get a paid job. That's quite cool to think about. I'll probably be the youngest on the course- the minimum age is seventeen, and I am not quite seventeen and three weeks. It's quite intense as well- 5 hours on a Friday and 8 on each Saturday and Sunday for three weeks. Plus of course there's the whole meeting new people, and teaching whilst being assessed, and all that jazz. However, I am really excited to learn more, and to get better- I really want to give the kids I teach the absolute best! Nervous, very nervous, but that's understandable, especially considering how busy and tiring this week has been!
Just for a general check-in- it's been a long and emotional week. There have been many tears. I've reached a point of being able to worry about and get upset about everything and anything. However, I know that this is because I'm tired, and because it has been a big week. Though there's part of my mind that thinks this is bad and that I'm getting ill again, I'm doing my best to reason with it. I'm human, and that means that there's going to be weeks when it feels like everything's going wrong. The best I can do is to cut myself some slack, talk to people and share my stress, and get more sleep.
Just for a general check-in- it's been a long and emotional week. There have been many tears. I've reached a point of being able to worry about and get upset about everything and anything. However, I know that this is because I'm tired, and because it has been a big week. Though there's part of my mind that thinks this is bad and that I'm getting ill again, I'm doing my best to reason with it. I'm human, and that means that there's going to be weeks when it feels like everything's going wrong. The best I can do is to cut myself some slack, talk to people and share my stress, and get more sleep.
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