Had a bit of a weird couple of weeks... People leaving for university was really difficult, and made me feel pretty rough. Just realised how much I would rather be starting at university, alongside missing people who've left. It was not the most fun! However, I had a lovely weekend away on a training course (more to come!), and my outlook is currently a lot more positive. I'm never going to be thrilled to be staying for this extra year, but now I'm more determined than before to make the most of it. Focusing on the positive exciting plans- of which there are lots!- and finding ways to broaden my horizons, however possible. The world is beautiful!
Showing posts with label mentalhealth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mentalhealth. Show all posts
Wednesday, 30 September 2015
Monday, 7 September 2015
The Nice Things List
Recently, I've been feeling very trapped- watching everyone prepare for and go off to university has been difficult, as I would love to be doing that, but instead have another year in the same place. I'm absolutely determined to make the most of it, however, and am doing that in a number of ways. But, aside from making the most of it, I thought I would create a list- entitled, rather unimaginatively but very fittingly, 'The Nice List'. It's a list of nice things (or new things, or fun things) to do- one for each week of the year. I'm going to make sure to do one every week, so that I remember to take time to do interesting things, and as an act of self-love. The things on the list are varied (and some crossover with my list of 25 Things), and I think I've got a real mix of things to look forwards to- which is exactly what I wanted, so already this list is working! I've decided that some weeks I'll start the week with an intention of doing one of the things; some weeks, maybe an opportunity will present itself to me; and other weeks, I'm going to put all of the remaining things into a hat and draw one out at random! Here's to a year full of Nice Things! (Also; whilst I've already done a couple of the things on this list, I've decided that anything from before starting back at sixth form doesn't count. Which is just an excuse to do them again, really!).
1) Make a gratitude jar
2) Learn a new skill
3) Go to a nice restaurant
4) Hand out compliment cards
5) Contact someone I haven't spoken to in a while
6) Bake cookies/cakes & take them into school
7) Go roller skating
8) Go to (and take part in!) an open mic night
9) Do karaoke
10) Visit somewhere I've never been before
11) Go skinny dipping
12) Treat a friend
13) Go away (at least overnight)
14) Buy a new dress (probably from Apricot)
15) Create an accomplishments book
16) Get a new piercing
17) Hug a stranger
18) Hand out lemons wearing a top saying life
19) Buy a stranger a drink
20) Go out for cocktails
21) Make someone's day
22) Put together a care package for someone
23) Go to Clifton Rockslide
24) Finish watching OITNB
25) Have a bath with a Lush bath bomb
26) Find somewhere to see the stars (properly)
27) Do a week of (my style) really healthy eating
28) Do a clear out of clothes
29) Buy nice lingerie
30) Sort out the Den
31) Base a week's clothing on the rainbow
32) Spend an afternoon in a bookshop
33) Thank the people who mean a lot to me
34) Read a new, random book
35) Give someone a copy of my favourite book
36) Spread the love!
37) Organise a nice event
38) Fold 100 origami cranes (in rainbow colours!)
39) Write an important blog post
40) Write a poem
41) Complete three pages of writing every day for a week
42) Host a story telling night
43) Fancy dress with friends
44) Have a pamper evening
45) Show someone one of my favourite places
46) Carpe diem
47) Play a whole game of Monopoly with my sister
48) Create a comprehensive happiness list
49) Make something creative & beautiful
50) Find a way to meet new people
51) Make sure to smile at everyone I see
52) Do something nice for someone without being asked
Friday, 17 July 2015
Last Day (Or Not)
doing sixth form over three years- do it, definitely do it, if you think it'll be right for you. But it isn't easy, it really isn't easy.
Sunday, 14 June 2015
Dear the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
I've lost track of the number of times I've tried writing this letter. I just can't get my words to come out the way they appear inside my head. I'm kind of really tired, but I want to finish this before I go to bed. I've been trying to write this letter for as long as I can remember, and today seems like the day to get it done. Today I am 18, Harry Potter- or the wizarding world, or whatever it is I'm really writing to- and that's kind of important. I didn't really think I'd get to be here. If you hadn't be around, I guess I might not be.
I know I'm sounding melodramatic, wizarding world- there, that's almost short and snappy, we'll stick with that. I know I'm sounding melodramatic, wizarding world, and like I'm fishing for attention, but I'm not. I believe in being honest, and I believe in giving credit where credit's due. I may not know how to write this letter, but I know that I need it to be honest.
You were my Room of Requirement (get ready for the Potter metaphors, because I'm sure there will be an abundance coming right up). That is to say, you appeared right when I needed you; less like a space for the DA, and more like Dumbledore's bathroom, because I didn't know I needed you. I was- four, maybe? Little. Young enough not to really remember it. The Philosopher's Stone came out in cinemas, and we went to see it. Then we went to the library to start reading the books, or at least, for my dad to start reading them to me. I already said I was little. However, it seemed like everyone else had the same idea. The only book they had was the Prisoner of Azkaban- so we started with that one, and read the first three in reverse order.
That was one part of my life, wizarding world. There was another part of it, that wasn't so great. I'm a young carer (or I was; now I am a young adult carer). For as long as I can remember, I've been caring for someone with a mental illness. Mental illnesses are pretty damn scary when you're an adult and kind of sort of get what's going on. When you're a kid, they're a million times worse. It's all crying and being lonely and scared. It's confusing, and you have to grow up pretty quickly, and you just want to make everything better. Of course you can't, but you can try. I've been trying every day of my life, wizarding world.
Whilst I am on my soapbox, talking to the world that is most important to me, I would like to make it known that I do not bemoan being a carer. It is difficult, but I am not angry, nor is there any blame or judgement. It is rewarding. It is full of lessons, and unexpected blessings, and most of all love. If I could grant good mental health to the people I love (and to the world!), I would do it within a second. However, if I could not make the world happy, then I would not, instead, choose not to care.
Anyway, so there was that. A whole lot of stuff that I couldn't really understand, but couldn't avoid. And then- and then there was you. A magical world full of adventure. My Room of Requirement- exactly what I needed. Lesson one: you taught me how good books are for escaping from the world, when things get too much. I used you for that purpose a lot, extending your influence on my life far further than the pages. Things weren't always too fab at school, and it got a bit lonely. But it was okay, because, I wasn't Becky-the-weird-girl-on-her-own-in-the-playground anymore, I was Hermione Granger, brightest witch of her year and best friend to the Boy Who Lived. The concrete of the playground became moving staircases, and playtime after playtime was spent in magical lessons- not by myself anymore, but surrounded by hundreds of students, just like me. Magic.
No matter how scary and dark things seemed to get, you were the light switch I could always turn on (Dumbledore would be proud of that one, right?); always waiting for me with open arms. When I was sad, you held me; and when things were good- I don't want to make it sound all doom and gloom, there were far more good moments than there were bad- you were there to rejoice with me, too.
My mum and dad- ever supportive and nurturing, ever fantastic and fabulous, ever every superlative ever- cottoned on to the fact that this was a love affair, and not some two-second fad, so helped me to explore. We went on trips to places used in the films; I played in cloisters, pretended to ride a broomstick. I had robes, games, figurines. For me, your world was as real as humanly possible.
Somewhere along the line, anxiety made me it's nest, and it hasn't given me up since. An anxiety disorder, they call it. It's something that a lot of people don't really understand- I'm sick of people telling me to get over it, or be positive, that they understand and that it'll be fine. You never told me any of those things, wizarding world. You were just there. You didn't need to ask questions about why the thought of death made me panic, or why I was suddenly certain my family would be involved in a car crash, or why I thought everyone hated me. You were the complete opposite to CAMHS and therapy, where they tried to make me talk and work through things; and yet, in your own way, you were just as helpful, if not more so. It wasn't just comfort I found in your pages, it was lessons, too. I learnt some of the best things
from you- about hope, and friendship, and love. Anxiety will always be my personal Dementor, but because of you I know exactly how to cast my Patronus.
Individual members of your world had lessons for me, too. Ginny was my first feminist icon, refusing to be put down because she was a girl. As someone who enjoyed school, did well and suffered teasing for it, Hermione was my perfect heroine. Luna helped me to see that weird was not a label, but a valuable trait. From Ron, I learnt the power of friendship, and from Harry I took strength and courage. There was a lesson in every one of them.
When the Order of the Pheonix came out, it took me two seconds to fall completely in love with Nymphadora Tonks, and not very much longer to learn the section of the book in which she appears. I can't recall it word for word anymore; but I have a picture of Natalia-Tena-as-Tonks right next to my bed, and my dream magical power would still be to change my hair at will (though I do a good job of that without being magic). Tonks was partly the key to discovering my sexuality (cos let's face it, in a parallel world, we are SO married)- but, more importantly, she was the key to discovering me. And who gave me that world? You did, wizarding world.
As I got older, things got more difficult. I was just fifteen when I first started to hurt myself, out of anger and self-hatred and loneliness and sadness. By the time I was sixteen, I didn't really want to be here at all. Those are hard things to admit to, wizarding world. As I tried to save each and every person I loved, they were the Grindylows, trying to drag me back down. I don't really know where they came from either; Grindylows are complex creatures, and there's no point in wondering whether there was any cause or effect. What matters is that, with friendship, and love, and support, I managed to kick them off. I have scars from their tentacles, but I am stronger now. The Grindylows are always going to be there, in the depths of the water, and some days I can feel them tickling my feet- but I know the incantations I need to use now. If mental health is a Triwizard Tournament, then I am determined to reach the cup. You helped me with that, too; even if I didn't reach for you in those times, the words and lessons that you gave me were there. I am on the road called recovery, and I am taking a Fred and George approach of finding something to laugh about every single day. Oh, I am so indebted to you, my love. For those battling such Grindylows, I would like to take this moment to remind you that you are stronger than them; that there is always light to be found, even in the darkest of times, and that I am always around to share with you a little of what the wizarding world gave to me, if you should want it.
On a much lighter note, in there somewhere, my younger sister was born. She does not need you like I did, wizarding world, and that makes me more glad than anything else. However, even she is not immune to you. Having watched the Goblet of Fire years and years ago, she has decided she wants to be a dragon tamer (or possibly a ballerina) (or possibly both). I hope you save Charlie Weasley's job
for her, because if there is anyone in the non-wizarding world who will
achieve such a dream, it is my sister. She has more determination even than the characters you could offer, and she makes me proud every single day.
More recently, I have begun to see the importance in fighting. Like Harry fought Voldemort for killing his parents, I am fighting stigma and hatred, for hurting those I love- my beloved sister, my beyond-amazing parents, every single one of my family and friends. I want to see a world where there are no words we cannot name; where we can talk freely about what pains us, love freely who we want, and live freely. I want to get a tattoo of the word 'fight'. According to the dictionary, that word is to do with violence. You and I both know, wizarding world, that to fight is to live; to fight is to overcome the things that try to pull us down, whether that be Grindylows, or Dementors, or Voldemort. I will fight for love and equality; and when I place my flag down, it will be in your name.
I am Tonks, with my ever-changing hair and refusal to be called by my full name; I am Hermione, both clever and a friend; I am Ginny, fierce and loyal, and Luna, forever unique. I am a fragment of everything that ever made me, and you have more claim in that than most. I am not just Harry, but the wizarding world in it's entirety*.
I feel like I've reached a natural coda; to conclude, I want to tell you about the castle. A couple of years ago, we went to your museum- or to your experience, whatever you are calling it. For three hours, I lived the dream entirely. However, one of the best moments of my life will always be when I walked around the corner, and saw the castle. My mum, walking in front, said the look on my face was what made the entire trip worth it. For me, it was like coming home.
Yours, most faithfully, most thankfully, most entirely,
Becky
*But mostly I am Tonks, let's face it
Saturday, 11 April 2015
Survival Tips: Checklist Living
When the going gets tough, the tough get... Checklisting, apparently. Or at least, that's what this tough one does. Let's get some history here. When things were very bad, I couldn't stand when people seemed to run through a checklist. By that, I mean that, when I was feeling rough, people would often say 'Are you sleeping? Have you had breakfast? How much water have you drunk today? Could you get some exercise?'. If one of those wasn't complete, that was what my feelings were attributed to. It sounded so easy- as if, so long as I completed all of those things, I would be the picture of happiness. Eventually, it got to the point where just the mere mention of those things made me feel angry and like my problems were being minimised.
Flash forwards a bit. As I started to recover, I became more self-aware. I began to realise that, actually, though basic things, like eating and sleeping, weren't going to cure everything, not having done them did tend to make things feel worse. They were by no means a cure- but they could help. Plus, I realised that I needed the little things in place, as the foundations, to enable myself to do the bigger things. For example, if I hadn't slept and hadn't eaten properly, revision was pretty much a no-go until I'd got that on place.
That was the beginning of my checklist- my way of making sure that I'd got the basics in place. Some days, it would be fully written out, so I could tick the things I'd done; other days, I just needed it in my head; and, little by little- the more I made sure I was using it- some days I didn't need it at all.
Flash forward a bit more, to now. A lot of the time, the things on the checklist just get woven into the fabric of everyday life- I don't need to think about it. Other days I do, and that's okay. I think it's always going to be that way, and I'm fine with that. Sometimes I need to strip things right back to the basics. That's not giving in. That's accepting my limits and taking care of myself.
As I've had to use the checklist a bit recently, I thought I'd share it with you. Maybe it'll inspire someone to create a 'basic need checklist' of their own; maybe you've got things to add? The main thing is that it's something personal, something to fall back on when things get rough. Here ya go :)
**************************************************
So, I'm feeling rough. Have I...?
- Had enough sleep?
- Eaten three proper meals?
- Drunk 1-2L of water?
- Had some fresh air?
- Done some exercise?
- Had a chat with friends/family?
- Spent time with people?
- Walked the dog?
- Showered & got dressed?
- Had a hug?
- Spoken to someone if I need to?
- Made sure I got some downtime?
Sunday, 1 March 2015
Mirror Mirror: Hair Dye
This is the first post of a series called Mirror Mirror. I'm hoping to use this series to share with you some posts about my appearance and body image, and the decisions I'm taking (or have taken) surrounding this. Seeing as this very blog is named 'Adventures with Technicolour Hair' and my ever-changing hair has become a pretty important and identifiable feature of me, it felt like the best place to start!! I've posted about my hair before- for example, one off posts such as this one and this one. In summer 2013, I even tried to put together a brief history of my hair- one that was out of date almost instantly! However, I've never spoken at length about how the hair dye really started, or why I do it. So uh- here you go!!
Then, a little later in the year, I went to see one of the Harry Potter films with my friend. We dressed up: I went as Ginny Weasley, which meant dyeing my normally-blonde hair. Again, I marvelled, but it still wasn't anything big. I was dipping my toes in the sea of hair dye- but I wasn't ready to take the plunge.
Flash forwards a year, to when I was 13. For whatever reason, I decided I wanted more black streaks, so my mum and aunt attempted to lowlight my hair... Long story short, it resulted in a whole head of black, with grey roots. I convinced my mum to let me touch up the roots, but that was meant to be it. No more hair dye. At all. End of. Umm, until the next Harry Potter film, when I lightened my black hair with lemon and tried to make it red. I think that's when the hair dye bug started to take hold- when I realised the endless opportunities, to change my hair according to occasion and as the mood took me. There was just one more step to go...
At my secondary school, hair dye was okay- but unnatural colours were a definite no-no. So, when I decided I wanted to dye my hair pink, I couldn't just go ahead and buy the dye. I had to wait until school broke up for the summer- when I instantly dyed my hair (and body!) pink.
I was completely and utterly smitten, and couldn't wait for October, so I could dye it blue in the half-term. After that came brown, then highlights, then pink again in the summer.
After that, I kept it black for quite a while. However, I was desperate to be able to experiment further. In summer 2013, two things happened. Firstly, I shaved my hair off- making it easier and cheaper to dye my hair. Secondly, I was free of secondary school and uniform rules. Heck, that was basically permission to dye my hair as absurdly as possible!!
For months, I experimented far and wide, going every colour under the sun- including a festive red/green in the run up to Christmas. In the New Year, the dyes became less frequent, but change still occurred. I found favourite dyes (Live XXL is good; I detest anything L'Oreal), swapped hair tips with strangers (my favourite moment was bumping into two other people with the same hair colour as me; we swapped to discuss products) and discovered hair colour likes and dislikes (I like purple but my hair doesn't; I absolutely loved red at the time but it now has bad memories; pink is forever my favourite and go-to). Hair dye is a world far more complex than you would think, and not one I plan on leaving anytime soon.
But- but why? Why do I do it? Well, for one, I love the anticipation- choosing the colour I think will work best, rinsing it off and trying to gauge colour, then seeing the end result. Linked to that is that it's a good distraction- when I'm feeling crap, dyeing my hair gives me something else to occupy myself and it's a nice change. I get quite bored quite easily- and changing my hair is one way to avoid that. In addition, I see hair dye as a bit part of my expression. I am colourful and loud; my hair is no exception! I am on a journey to body positivity, but I am not there yet, so looking into a mirror and being able to at least like the colour of my hair is a big thing. What's more, it's sociable- if you have unnaturally coloured hair, you become part of a group. You get told by strangers that they like your hair. You stop others to ask what dye they use. It's great
In short, hair dye, to me, is change, positivity, freedom and expression. Bright, unnatural colours- and the dye that brings them- are as much a part of me as my nose or my legs: I would not be me without them.
***
When I was 11 or 12, my cousin decided to dye his hair blue-black. I was at his house at the time, and so my aunt decided to give me a blue-black streak, too. At first, it wasn't anything much; but, after it was done, I remember marvelling at it. I loved the 'magic' the dye had done; I loved how I could make myself look different. And that was just with one streak!! However, the streak soon faded, and I wasn't tempted to dye it again.Then, a little later in the year, I went to see one of the Harry Potter films with my friend. We dressed up: I went as Ginny Weasley, which meant dyeing my normally-blonde hair. Again, I marvelled, but it still wasn't anything big. I was dipping my toes in the sea of hair dye- but I wasn't ready to take the plunge.
Flash forwards a year, to when I was 13. For whatever reason, I decided I wanted more black streaks, so my mum and aunt attempted to lowlight my hair... Long story short, it resulted in a whole head of black, with grey roots. I convinced my mum to let me touch up the roots, but that was meant to be it. No more hair dye. At all. End of. Umm, until the next Harry Potter film, when I lightened my black hair with lemon and tried to make it red. I think that's when the hair dye bug started to take hold- when I realised the endless opportunities, to change my hair according to occasion and as the mood took me. There was just one more step to go...
At my secondary school, hair dye was okay- but unnatural colours were a definite no-no. So, when I decided I wanted to dye my hair pink, I couldn't just go ahead and buy the dye. I had to wait until school broke up for the summer- when I instantly dyed my hair (and body!) pink.
After that, I kept it black for quite a while. However, I was desperate to be able to experiment further. In summer 2013, two things happened. Firstly, I shaved my hair off- making it easier and cheaper to dye my hair. Secondly, I was free of secondary school and uniform rules. Heck, that was basically permission to dye my hair as absurdly as possible!!
For months, I experimented far and wide, going every colour under the sun- including a festive red/green in the run up to Christmas. In the New Year, the dyes became less frequent, but change still occurred. I found favourite dyes (Live XXL is good; I detest anything L'Oreal), swapped hair tips with strangers (my favourite moment was bumping into two other people with the same hair colour as me; we swapped to discuss products) and discovered hair colour likes and dislikes (I like purple but my hair doesn't; I absolutely loved red at the time but it now has bad memories; pink is forever my favourite and go-to). Hair dye is a world far more complex than you would think, and not one I plan on leaving anytime soon.
But- but why? Why do I do it? Well, for one, I love the anticipation- choosing the colour I think will work best, rinsing it off and trying to gauge colour, then seeing the end result. Linked to that is that it's a good distraction- when I'm feeling crap, dyeing my hair gives me something else to occupy myself and it's a nice change. I get quite bored quite easily- and changing my hair is one way to avoid that. In addition, I see hair dye as a bit part of my expression. I am colourful and loud; my hair is no exception! I am on a journey to body positivity, but I am not there yet, so looking into a mirror and being able to at least like the colour of my hair is a big thing. What's more, it's sociable- if you have unnaturally coloured hair, you become part of a group. You get told by strangers that they like your hair. You stop others to ask what dye they use. It's great
In short, hair dye, to me, is change, positivity, freedom and expression. Bright, unnatural colours- and the dye that brings them- are as much a part of me as my nose or my legs: I would not be me without them.
Thursday, 1 January 2015
Thought for the Day
'no, no, it's not all random, if it really was all random, the universe
would abandon us completely. and the universe doesn't. it takes care of
its most fragile creations in ways we can't see' (R J Palacio)
Tuesday, 30 December 2014
17) Really really work on recovery
****This is a scheduled post***
Monday, 29 December 2014
15) Improve mental health awareness/education in school
***This is a scheduled post***
This one is going well!! I'm doing a set of assemblies next year based around mental health and awareness, and I'm working on getting some more mental health education in place too. Woo!!
Sunday, 28 December 2014
12) Get better at trusting people & 38) Be more open about my mental health/recovery/etc.
***This is a scheduled post***
I've coupled these together because I think they go kind of hand in hand, and my answer is the same for both: I'm working on it. It's not going to happen all at once, but I'm working on it, and therefore, for me, that completes them.
Thursday, 27 November 2014
Closure
Take all the memories. Untack the photographs, one by one by one. Trace your fingers over each smiling face; remember the moment when the flash went off. Cheese: frozen in time. Flick through your old journals. Re-read your scribbled notes, your additions and highlightings, all those times you thought you'd never want to forget. Close your eyes- picture yourself back in each moment. Collect up your keepsakes, all the things you've scattered around the place- that hat, those postcards. Hold them to your chest, memorising the shape of each one.
Now. Gather the items together. Lay out a piece of fabric, place your bundle in the centre and bring the edges up, shrouding the items until no more of the past can be seen. Take a length of ribbon and wrap it around, making sure the contents are secure. Fix it in a bow at the top.
Pack up your collection of memories and begin to walk. Go as far as you can, as if by walking you'll leave all of it behind. Travers until night, then make your way to the top of a hill, somewhere you can see everything, but at a distance. Look out at the lights, a million lives going on that you have no part of. think of everyone you miss, everyone you're losing. Assign them each a light. Look for the furthest set of car tail-lights you can see. Stand there, focusing on it as it gets further and further. Breathe. Take it all in, inhaling the view like oxygen to your heart.
Kneel down. Remove your bundle from wherever it's stored, and place it on the floor- carefully, like a baby. Pull the covering tighter- mother fixing child's blanket. Then, do what no mother should. Cover it in lighter fluid, or alcohol- whatever it'll take to destroy it. Strike a match, and hold it close. Stand back, quickly.
Watch your past light up the world.
Once you've made ashes of your past life, gather them up. Hold the dusty powder in cupped hands, waiting as the remnants of warmth escape. Imagine it as your memories taking their last breaths, the lifeblood slowly slipping away.
Almost there. Take your lantern, and fill the small basket with the ashes. Dust your hands off, leaving no trace upon yourself. Once it's full, light the small flame. Hold the lantern as the hot air inflates the surface above. Observe the flickering of the candle- something so beautiful, yet so dangerous and untamed. Symbolism.
When it's ready- not a second before, not a second after- let go. Let go. Let it fly, over the faraway lights, over the head of each and every person you've loved, carried by the carbon present in your veins. Watch it until it's gone: everything you can no longer hold. That's your life. Fix your eyes on it, unwavering.
Once it's out of sight, disappeared like the headlights from minutes ago, turn away. Do not hesitate. Do not hold on a moment longer than needs be. Put the lights, the people, away from your mind. They are not there anymore. Start moving. Move on. Do not stop. You are done, now. Go on.
Now. Gather the items together. Lay out a piece of fabric, place your bundle in the centre and bring the edges up, shrouding the items until no more of the past can be seen. Take a length of ribbon and wrap it around, making sure the contents are secure. Fix it in a bow at the top.
Pack up your collection of memories and begin to walk. Go as far as you can, as if by walking you'll leave all of it behind. Travers until night, then make your way to the top of a hill, somewhere you can see everything, but at a distance. Look out at the lights, a million lives going on that you have no part of. think of everyone you miss, everyone you're losing. Assign them each a light. Look for the furthest set of car tail-lights you can see. Stand there, focusing on it as it gets further and further. Breathe. Take it all in, inhaling the view like oxygen to your heart.
Kneel down. Remove your bundle from wherever it's stored, and place it on the floor- carefully, like a baby. Pull the covering tighter- mother fixing child's blanket. Then, do what no mother should. Cover it in lighter fluid, or alcohol- whatever it'll take to destroy it. Strike a match, and hold it close. Stand back, quickly.
Watch your past light up the world.
Once you've made ashes of your past life, gather them up. Hold the dusty powder in cupped hands, waiting as the remnants of warmth escape. Imagine it as your memories taking their last breaths, the lifeblood slowly slipping away.
Almost there. Take your lantern, and fill the small basket with the ashes. Dust your hands off, leaving no trace upon yourself. Once it's full, light the small flame. Hold the lantern as the hot air inflates the surface above. Observe the flickering of the candle- something so beautiful, yet so dangerous and untamed. Symbolism.
When it's ready- not a second before, not a second after- let go. Let go. Let it fly, over the faraway lights, over the head of each and every person you've loved, carried by the carbon present in your veins. Watch it until it's gone: everything you can no longer hold. That's your life. Fix your eyes on it, unwavering.
Once it's out of sight, disappeared like the headlights from minutes ago, turn away. Do not hesitate. Do not hold on a moment longer than needs be. Put the lights, the people, away from your mind. They are not there anymore. Start moving. Move on. Do not stop. You are done, now. Go on.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
Takeover Day!!
On Tuesday, myself and four other members of Mentality (along with
L, our head youth worker) headed up to London, to take part in a youth
takeover day. The train journey up was pretty uneventful; we filled in
worksheets to get us thinking about the aim of the takeover (for us,
getting our voices heard on GP services) and sorted out the parts to our
presentation.
Once we got to London, we had a chance to see
the Paddington statue and look around the Paddington shop. If you know
me, you can imagine my reaction to being surrounded by bears!
After
that, we met up with the sixth member of our group (who'd travelled
separately from Cornwall), then caught the Tube to Oxford Street.
Once
we got to Oxford Street, we had a brief chance to see the Christmas
lights before finding Pizza Express- we were all super hungry! A pizza
and (weird) chips later, we were refuelled and ready to find the hotel.
We
found the hotel quite quickly, and got checked in. Then we all had some
time to get settled (and get into onesies, in my case!) before we
regrouped and filmed some 'video diary' stuff. This took quite a while,
particularly as some people (er, possibly me) kept laughing, and we had
rerecord everything after forgetting to turn the microphone on! The
filming we did is for some university students who are making a
documentary about mental health, Mentality and Off the Record- very
exciting!!
After we finished filming it was pretty late, and with an early start ahead we all felt it was time to go to bed.
On
Wednesday morning, we got up and dressed really quickly, then went to
breakfast. There was a bit of confusion as it turned out we weren't
booked in for breakfast after all, but we got that sorted easily enough.
Breakfast was a standard hotel breakfast- the highlight being Nutella
sachets, which I dipped croissants in. Delicious!
After we had
eaten and packed up, we met Frances, one of the Department of Health
people. She accompanied us to the Department of Health itself, which
made things easier and quicker. Once we got to the (slightly imposing)
building, we had to get our name badges and security passes- it all felt
very official!!
The takeover day was held in a conference
room in the Department of Health; to get there, we had to go in a glass
elevator- very cool!! There were already commissioners and young people
sat in the conference room, so L told us to split up and mingle (or
'network'!). N and I (my room-mate for the night) sat on a table with a
couple of commissioners, and we were soon joined by a few more. It was a
good chance to get to know people in an informal way.
The
conference started quite promptly with an introduction and an ice
breaker, where we had to find things in common between us and the people
on our tables. Though we didn't find anything we *all* had in common,
my partner and I found we had a shared interest in singing, and that we
both dislike it when there's too much reverb on a microphone! After the
ice breaker everyone seemed really at ease with each other; it clearly
fulfilled it's intention.
Out of three groups of young people
and one other group, Mentality were first up with our presentation. We
had a thirty minute slot to speak about our views and experiences
surrounding GPs; one of the members of our group produced a report on
GPs, young people and mental health, so that formed a large part of our
presentation. We also got everyone to do an activity during which they
got into pairs, with one person talking about their job and the other
acting out a GP 'trait'- for example, making too many notes and not
listening properly. However, there were also some positive things, such
as listening well and being empathetic. Following the activity, we got
some feedback to tie everything up, then had five minutes for questions.
Overall
I feel that our presentation went really well. Everyone listening got
involved in the activity, and the feedback we got proved that it worked
really well. On top of that, all the members of our group had a chance
to have their say, and I'm so so proud of everyone for how amazing they
were! We also received lots of fab feedback, which shows that it did
come across well.
After our session, another group did a
session on mental health, which involved a quiz- the table I was sat on
won, so we got chocolate coins!! We also made pledges about mental
health. I really like getting pledges from commissioners as it's a good
way of recording what they're aiming to do, and makes them think not
just about what's being said but also about actions they can take. I
especially liked that it wasn't just the decision-makers who made
pledges, but all of us: reducing mental health stigma &
discrimination is a job belonging to all of us!!
There was a
short break after that, which was a good chance to chat to people and do
some 'networking'.
Following the break, there were two more sessions:
one on school nursing and one on co-ordinated care. They were both super
good, and there was plenty of great discussion and feedback. I was
especially interested in the co-ordinated care as it's something I
hadn't heard of before. It's basically where everyone involved in your
healthcare knows what's going on- for example, a GP knows the outcome of
a physiotherapy visit, and the physiotherapist knows about a recent
hospital admission or whatever. Co-ordinated care is really important as
it prevents people from having to tell things over and over, it means
that everyone's on the same page, and, in case of emergency, it makes
things a lot quicker and a lot safer. However, at the moment,
co-ordinated care is sadly lacking, both in mental health, physical
health and cases where the two combine. Therefore, it was good to find
out about it, and to give some feedback to those with the power to *do*
something.
At the end of the day, we stayed for a while to
chat a bit, and we filmed some more 'video diary' stuff. Soon, however,
it was time to wave goodbye to the Department of Health, and to head
back onto the tube. As we had some time left, we decided to go to
Southbank, and walked from there to Parliament- a great opportunity to
take tourist-y pictures haha!
Once we got to the Houses of Parliament,
we bought food and sat on the steps to eat it. Afterwards, it was time
to rush to get the tube, and then to get on the train- back to Bristol,
tired but happy!!
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
Exciting, Busy and also Tired!
Aloha. This blog post is being written in a hotel room in London, which feels and sounds quite posh! I'm here as part of the Mentality team- tomorrow, we're going to the NHS Takeover Day to speak to decision-makers in the GP sector about what works, what doesn't and what needs to improve when it comes to young people and GPs, in particular mental health. All very important and exciting!
However, that's not the only cool thing I'm involved in at the moment... On Mondays, I'm helping with Brook's latest project, a video about body image with a social media twist. Then, on Friday, I'm being filmed as part of a documentary on Mentality, and straight after that I'm going to a last minute choir rehearsal for a performance on Sunday. Friday is also my mum's birthday- very much looking forward to a meal out to celebrate that :) Finally, finally, finally, Saturday brings a trip to town, catching up with lots of work and a party in the evening, and Sunday heralds the choir performance before 'the usual' of swim teaching and youth group.
So, as you can see, life's getting pretty damn hectic at the moment. I'm going to be blogging as much as possible, but it's quite hard to find time at the moment. My mood's also been a bit unstable, which is frustrating- however, things are good right now, so I'm hopeful that all will be okay in the end.
I really really need to check emails and sleep now; hasta la vista and I hope you have a good week x
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
Turning Off
I'm the first to tell you that I really do love my life. I get to do the things I'm passionate about, I laugh multiple times every day, I have a thousand things to look forwards to, I start and end each day with a smile, and I get to share it all with some of the most amazing people on this planet. I really do love the life I live each day.
However, that's not to say that it doesn't get stressful, nor to say that there aren't bad times or problems. There are. At the moment, one of the things I'm struggling with is being constantly busy, and constantly 'switched on'. As a lot of what I do is based online, both in 'work' and personal, it can be quite hard to get away from everything. If I'm not at school, or at Brook, or Mentality, then I'm probably writing a blog for here or PBG, or finding an article to post to PBG, or responding to a notification, or participating in a late night discussion with my friends.
I'm not complaining about any of that, because I'm choosing to do all of it, but, as I said before, it does mean that I am constantly 'on', and even breaks can be quite busy. This is really tiring; it also means that, being busy, I don't always have time to give to people and things that are even more deserving of my attention. My sister, for example. I think I blogged about the time she wrote, in a school lesson, 'I love playing with my sister when she isn't busy'. Cue the sound of my heart breaking a little bit. My sister truly is the apple of my eye, and I hate to think that she might not see herself as being first in my life. I feel guilty about that quite a lot, though recently I have been tackling that by making sure I make time for her, with my phone off.
I also have to make sure I look after my mental health. If that slips, then I won't be able to keep doing what I do, and I really really don't want that to happen. One of the strategies I've come up for this is to turn my phone off as a form of self-care. Normally, this happens overnight (I'm a light sleeper, so if my phone is on I am easily woken up by any text, notification or other), when I have a bath (because baths are great for relaxation, and keeping my phone on is just counter-productive) and when I go for long dog walks (this has been a coping mechanism I've used for a while; it's just great to get out by myself, with just the dog and my music for company, and not have to worry about checking my phone). These times have really really worked for helping me to destress a bit.
Turning my phone off is great. It means I can give my full attention to the rest of the world, and it's giving my mind permission not to be constantly alert for the buzz that means I've got to attend to something. We live in a world where social media is taking over, more and more, every day. Whilst I can definitely see the positives in it- this blog being an example!- there's got to be a limit too. I need to stop being on the go. Over the past couple of weeks or so, I've been ill twice. I'm not sleeping so well. I'm feeling ratty and caged in quite a bit. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I really do need a break. So, with a trip away planned for the next few days, I've decided that I'm going to switch off. I'm not checking my Facebook, my Twitter, my email or even this blog. Aside from when it's absolutely necessary, I'm turning my phone off, and leaving it behind. I'm giving myself permission to relax, and to focus completely on me and my family. I'm really looking forward to it.
However, that's not to say that it doesn't get stressful, nor to say that there aren't bad times or problems. There are. At the moment, one of the things I'm struggling with is being constantly busy, and constantly 'switched on'. As a lot of what I do is based online, both in 'work' and personal, it can be quite hard to get away from everything. If I'm not at school, or at Brook, or Mentality, then I'm probably writing a blog for here or PBG, or finding an article to post to PBG, or responding to a notification, or participating in a late night discussion with my friends.
I'm not complaining about any of that, because I'm choosing to do all of it, but, as I said before, it does mean that I am constantly 'on', and even breaks can be quite busy. This is really tiring; it also means that, being busy, I don't always have time to give to people and things that are even more deserving of my attention. My sister, for example. I think I blogged about the time she wrote, in a school lesson, 'I love playing with my sister when she isn't busy'. Cue the sound of my heart breaking a little bit. My sister truly is the apple of my eye, and I hate to think that she might not see herself as being first in my life. I feel guilty about that quite a lot, though recently I have been tackling that by making sure I make time for her, with my phone off.
I also have to make sure I look after my mental health. If that slips, then I won't be able to keep doing what I do, and I really really don't want that to happen. One of the strategies I've come up for this is to turn my phone off as a form of self-care. Normally, this happens overnight (I'm a light sleeper, so if my phone is on I am easily woken up by any text, notification or other), when I have a bath (because baths are great for relaxation, and keeping my phone on is just counter-productive) and when I go for long dog walks (this has been a coping mechanism I've used for a while; it's just great to get out by myself, with just the dog and my music for company, and not have to worry about checking my phone). These times have really really worked for helping me to destress a bit.
Turning my phone off is great. It means I can give my full attention to the rest of the world, and it's giving my mind permission not to be constantly alert for the buzz that means I've got to attend to something. We live in a world where social media is taking over, more and more, every day. Whilst I can definitely see the positives in it- this blog being an example!- there's got to be a limit too. I need to stop being on the go. Over the past couple of weeks or so, I've been ill twice. I'm not sleeping so well. I'm feeling ratty and caged in quite a bit. It's becoming clearer and clearer that I really do need a break. So, with a trip away planned for the next few days, I've decided that I'm going to switch off. I'm not checking my Facebook, my Twitter, my email or even this blog. Aside from when it's absolutely necessary, I'm turning my phone off, and leaving it behind. I'm giving myself permission to relax, and to focus completely on me and my family. I'm really looking forward to it.
Saturday, 18 October 2014
Mentality- What's Yours?
I've been volunteering with The Mentality Project (part of Off the Record) for a while now- around 3 or 4 months I think. We're a group of young people who meet once a week, with an aim to campaign to break down the stigma surrounding mental health, and to raise awareness. I absolutely love the group, and I love what we're doing!
Last Saturday, we held an event to mark World Mental Health Day. We decided that we wanted to do something quite big, to really get the attention of the public- so we chose to run activities on the bottom floor of the Galleries (one of Bristol's central shopping centres). Each of the activities was related to positive mental health- for example, we had a 'washing line' on which we asked people to hang paper clothes with something positive about their friends written on, to represent the importance of the people around you. People collected a stamp from each activity to 'earn' themselves a Happiness Box. The Happiness Boxes originally came from the summer NCS programme, and contained various 'happy things'- for example, products from Lush, stress balls and sweets.
In addition, we handed out information on not just Off the Record and the Mentality Project, but a range of mental health issues and services. This table attracted quite a bit of attention, with loads of people taking leaflets- hopefully we've helped to get information to people who will really benefit from it!
To add to the Mentality hub, we had four other organisations- Bristol Drugs Project, who did a stall around the effects of alcohol, Brook (a sexual health group who I also volunteer for!) with an activity around self-esteem (see the 'self esteem' bracelet below, contributed by a small child!), Resilience Lab, a part of OTR who try to increase individuals resilience to life challenges, and Freedom Youth, Bristol's LGBTQ+ youth group. They had a stall making badges. In other news, I now have some of the coolest badges in existence!
As well as the main event, we had teams going out to do 'outreach' in the general Bristol city centre area. They were armed with chalkboards and cameras, and got people to write down things that made them happy before taking a picture of them with their contributions. These are going to be used to make a film about positive mental health.
Lastly, we had an amazing juggling duo, who did one of the activities- getting involved in hobbies for positive mental health- and did a fab show that got loads of people watching!
Overall, the day went really really well. It's one thing me saying that- but it's proven in the fact that we smashed both of our goals, which were to speak to 500 people and to properly engage 100. Using the numbers of Off the Record business cards we handed out, the number of pictures taken and the amount of Happiness Boxes claimed, we went far and beyond both of these targets, which is absolutely amazing. In less statistical terms, it means that we got a heck of a lot of people thinking and talking about mental health, which is really important. Mental health is often ignored- or, worse, stigmatised. The very fact that we were there, in the Galleries, refusing to go away and putting mental health right in the public eye was huge.
On a more personal note, the day was one of the highlights not just of my year, but of my life. I got a chance to help with all of the stalls, did some of the outreach photography, and also went around the Galleries publicising the event. It involved lots and lots of speaking to strangers, which was terrifying at first, but got a lot easier the more I did it, and was really rewarding. Mental health is something hugely important to me, so it was great to have such a focus on it. A real highlight was when I spoke to a few younger children, and explained- in kids terms- the importance of mental health- 'sowing the seeds' for later life, as I like to think!! All in all the day was amazing. If I could do something involving that level of campaigning as a permanent job, then I'd be pretty damn chuffed!
To sum up my thoughts- I am so lucky, for I love what I do and I do what I love. I'm honoured to be a part of campaigns such as this, and to really get out there, doing what I genuinely feel as if I was born to do. Even better, I get to share it with a group of amazing people. My fellow Mentality Project volunteers are awesome-sauce, and I love them to pieces. We rock!
Last Saturday, we held an event to mark World Mental Health Day. We decided that we wanted to do something quite big, to really get the attention of the public- so we chose to run activities on the bottom floor of the Galleries (one of Bristol's central shopping centres). Each of the activities was related to positive mental health- for example, we had a 'washing line' on which we asked people to hang paper clothes with something positive about their friends written on, to represent the importance of the people around you. People collected a stamp from each activity to 'earn' themselves a Happiness Box. The Happiness Boxes originally came from the summer NCS programme, and contained various 'happy things'- for example, products from Lush, stress balls and sweets.
Washing Line Game
Happiness Boxes (Some of!)
'Chill Out Area'
I Modelled the Dressing Up Activity
Info Table
'You Are Not A Lion'
Freedom Badges
Lastly, we had an amazing juggling duo, who did one of the activities- getting involved in hobbies for positive mental health- and did a fab show that got loads of people watching!
Onlookers!
Jugglers in Action
Birds Eye View
Even the Mayor Paid a Visit!
To sum up my thoughts- I am so lucky, for I love what I do and I do what I love. I'm honoured to be a part of campaigns such as this, and to really get out there, doing what I genuinely feel as if I was born to do. Even better, I get to share it with a group of amazing people. My fellow Mentality Project volunteers are awesome-sauce, and I love them to pieces. We rock!
(Lastly- How Cute is the Dog that Came to Get Involved?!)
Friday, 10 October 2014
World Mental Health Day
Yep, this is literally just the status I've posted on Facebook. But oh well.
It's World Mental Health Day today. It's a really really important day, and this is a status I feel incredibly passionate about. However, it's also one that has taken me a large part of the day to write. There is just too much to say. There are too many reasons why this day is important, why mental health in general is important. After thinking, and writing, and pressing backspace more times than I care to think about, I've decided to start this status with a statistic:
In any given year, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem.
That's a big number. That's between 6 and 7 pupils in an average class. That's around 107,025 people in Bristol alone.That's a quarter of the people you come into contact with every day. If there was a 1 in 4 chance of winning £1000, no strings attached, you'd probably go for it. 1 in 4 is a bloody big number.
And yet, recently, 1 in 4 is a statistic that's been bugging me a little. It's one of the most common statistics given whenever the subject of mental health comes up. It's really good at demonstrating the sheer number of people who are affected by mental health problems, and it's really good at showing that mental health isn't really something we can ignore. However, 1 in 4 is also just a number. There is far more to mental health than that number. 1 in 4 does not describe, for example, what anxiety feels like- that awful force that attempts to govern lives, every single day. It does nothing for conveying what it is like to genuinely feel as though the world would be better off without you, or for how it feels completely alone, to look for any escape- no matter how damaging- from the feelings trying to engulf you. There is no way 1 in 4 could ever sum up how hopeless mental health problems can feel. Though many, many people who experience mental health problems can and will get better, there are others who may not. From that number, you cannot tell how awful it feels when you love someone who is struggling, how you read into every single thing they say and do, how you try and try to be there for them, knowing at the same time that you are powerless against the tidal wave that is their own mind. 1 in 4 doesn't come close to describing how many desperate hugs I have given people when there are no words left. 1 in 4 says absolutely nothing about the quarter of the population for whom every day is a fight.
Mental health problems are terrifying. I say that not only because I've had first hand experience, but because I've had second hand experience too. I spent last year struggling, trying desperately to survive the world. I've spent far longer than that loving people who are engaged in their own battles- and it's for every single one of them, and not for myself, that I am writing this. It's for every single one of them that I vow, whole-heartedly, to speak out about mental health, wherever and whenever possible. Why speak out? Because mental health is something that, so often, we just aren't meant to talk about. It's the elephant in the corner. That genuinely sickens me- as I say over and over, mental health is just as important as physical health. If someone breaks their arm, we talk about it. We fund research finding cures to all sorts of physical problems. We hold huge fundraising events and barely a week goes by when there's not a news headline about physical ailments. Yesterday, there was a mental health headline. It was, sadly, an anomaly. Even worse is all the negativity surrounding mental health- accusations such as false, selfish, attention-seeking. Mental health problems are real problems, ones that need the appropriate care and respect. I cannot impress that upon you enough.
I want to see a world where World Mental Health Day is almost superfluous, because every day there are conversations about what is currently a hugely stigmatised and discriminated topic. I want to see a world where it is completely accepted that it's okay not to be okay- where mental health problems are seen in the same way as physical problems. I know that that world will not cure mental health problems, any more than talking about a broken leg stitches the bone back together again. What it will do, however, is send a clearer message to people that they are not alone. That they are loved. That the world is here for them. That struggling is part of the human condition. I want that world. Don't you?
I'm going to assume that you do. More than that- I'm going to assume that you are more than ready to make that world happen, and that you want to know how we're going to get there. That's simple. We're going to love, and we're going to talk. There will be no assumptions, no extending the myths of mental health. Don't shy away from the subject, don't make jokes or pretend you know how they feel. Tell people you're there for them, and that you love them. Speak up about mental health; have positive conversations about it. Please. For me, and for every single other person in the world. 1 in 4 people may experience a mental health problem in any given year, but we are all affected by mental health.
Lastly, I want to use this day to make an announcement. It's one that I'm pretty excited about. As most people know, last year, in 2013, I shaved off my hair for Mind- a mental health charity- and raised £608. I was really pleased with this, and really really grateful to everyone who supported me. Doing that empowered and inspired me- and I want to make 2015 a year to remember. In 2015, I want to raise £2015 for a mental health charity. It's a big task. Some might say impossible. Yet it's one I'm passionate about, and one I'm determined to accomplish. I feel I owe it to the world- to every single person who deserves so much better than their mental health has given them, and to every other person, because, as I said, mental health is something we all have. More details will come as and when I'm ready; I just felt that today was the right day to get the basic plan out there!
I want to finish this by telling you- yes, you, the person reading this- that I am here for you, and that I will never judge you. That I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. I promise.
Here's to World Mental Health Day, and to talking and loving. Here's to hugs and friends and sunshine on dark days. Here's to love and hugs. I'm giving them out by the dozen. I hope you will, too.
It's World Mental Health Day today. It's a really really important day, and this is a status I feel incredibly passionate about. However, it's also one that has taken me a large part of the day to write. There is just too much to say. There are too many reasons why this day is important, why mental health in general is important. After thinking, and writing, and pressing backspace more times than I care to think about, I've decided to start this status with a statistic:
In any given year, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem.
That's a big number. That's between 6 and 7 pupils in an average class. That's around 107,025 people in Bristol alone.That's a quarter of the people you come into contact with every day. If there was a 1 in 4 chance of winning £1000, no strings attached, you'd probably go for it. 1 in 4 is a bloody big number.
And yet, recently, 1 in 4 is a statistic that's been bugging me a little. It's one of the most common statistics given whenever the subject of mental health comes up. It's really good at demonstrating the sheer number of people who are affected by mental health problems, and it's really good at showing that mental health isn't really something we can ignore. However, 1 in 4 is also just a number. There is far more to mental health than that number. 1 in 4 does not describe, for example, what anxiety feels like- that awful force that attempts to govern lives, every single day. It does nothing for conveying what it is like to genuinely feel as though the world would be better off without you, or for how it feels completely alone, to look for any escape- no matter how damaging- from the feelings trying to engulf you. There is no way 1 in 4 could ever sum up how hopeless mental health problems can feel. Though many, many people who experience mental health problems can and will get better, there are others who may not. From that number, you cannot tell how awful it feels when you love someone who is struggling, how you read into every single thing they say and do, how you try and try to be there for them, knowing at the same time that you are powerless against the tidal wave that is their own mind. 1 in 4 doesn't come close to describing how many desperate hugs I have given people when there are no words left. 1 in 4 says absolutely nothing about the quarter of the population for whom every day is a fight.
Mental health problems are terrifying. I say that not only because I've had first hand experience, but because I've had second hand experience too. I spent last year struggling, trying desperately to survive the world. I've spent far longer than that loving people who are engaged in their own battles- and it's for every single one of them, and not for myself, that I am writing this. It's for every single one of them that I vow, whole-heartedly, to speak out about mental health, wherever and whenever possible. Why speak out? Because mental health is something that, so often, we just aren't meant to talk about. It's the elephant in the corner. That genuinely sickens me- as I say over and over, mental health is just as important as physical health. If someone breaks their arm, we talk about it. We fund research finding cures to all sorts of physical problems. We hold huge fundraising events and barely a week goes by when there's not a news headline about physical ailments. Yesterday, there was a mental health headline. It was, sadly, an anomaly. Even worse is all the negativity surrounding mental health- accusations such as false, selfish, attention-seeking. Mental health problems are real problems, ones that need the appropriate care and respect. I cannot impress that upon you enough.
I want to see a world where World Mental Health Day is almost superfluous, because every day there are conversations about what is currently a hugely stigmatised and discriminated topic. I want to see a world where it is completely accepted that it's okay not to be okay- where mental health problems are seen in the same way as physical problems. I know that that world will not cure mental health problems, any more than talking about a broken leg stitches the bone back together again. What it will do, however, is send a clearer message to people that they are not alone. That they are loved. That the world is here for them. That struggling is part of the human condition. I want that world. Don't you?
I'm going to assume that you do. More than that- I'm going to assume that you are more than ready to make that world happen, and that you want to know how we're going to get there. That's simple. We're going to love, and we're going to talk. There will be no assumptions, no extending the myths of mental health. Don't shy away from the subject, don't make jokes or pretend you know how they feel. Tell people you're there for them, and that you love them. Speak up about mental health; have positive conversations about it. Please. For me, and for every single other person in the world. 1 in 4 people may experience a mental health problem in any given year, but we are all affected by mental health.
Lastly, I want to use this day to make an announcement. It's one that I'm pretty excited about. As most people know, last year, in 2013, I shaved off my hair for Mind- a mental health charity- and raised £608. I was really pleased with this, and really really grateful to everyone who supported me. Doing that empowered and inspired me- and I want to make 2015 a year to remember. In 2015, I want to raise £2015 for a mental health charity. It's a big task. Some might say impossible. Yet it's one I'm passionate about, and one I'm determined to accomplish. I feel I owe it to the world- to every single person who deserves so much better than their mental health has given them, and to every other person, because, as I said, mental health is something we all have. More details will come as and when I'm ready; I just felt that today was the right day to get the basic plan out there!
I want to finish this by telling you- yes, you, the person reading this- that I am here for you, and that I will never judge you. That I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. I promise.
Here's to World Mental Health Day, and to talking and loving. Here's to hugs and friends and sunshine on dark days. Here's to love and hugs. I'm giving them out by the dozen. I hope you will, too.
Friday, 5 September 2014
An Anxious Return
Yesterday I returned to sixth form. Much excitement- or something like that. I can't say that I wasn't excited in some ways, as there were things I was really looking forward to. However, I was also hugely anxious and stressed about it all. Last term, I made the decision to drop Music, leaving me with two A2 subjects (Psychology and English Language). To make up for this, I had to pick up two new AS levels- Sociology and Law. This wasn't the easiest of decisions, but it was one I put a lot of thought into it, and I can now say that it's something I'm happy with overall. It's just going to take some getting used to, and I've had to accept that there will be parts of it that could be difficult. Long term, that will be taking an extra year when many of my friends have left, and giving up on my gap year dreams. Short term, there's a whole host of other things to deal with...
I knew when I got my timetable that yesterday had the potential to be difficult- on Thursdays, I have both my AS subjects. That meant that yesterday was similar to starting sixth form all over again- except that I wasn't, and the combination of the two made things quite difficult to deal with. Though I didn't have to worry about finding rooms (thank goodness), I did have to go in by myself (which I put off, both times, until the very last minute) and try to find a friendly face to sit by. There was no one I really knew in either class, which made me feel a lot more anxious; in both cases I kind of just went for whichever seat I could find! For Law I also don't really know the teacher (though I do kind of know her, which is better than nothing!), which was nerve-wracking. As a consequence of everything, I was really really quiet, which is nothing like I am normally, but then again the rest of the class was pretty quiet, so it wasn't out of place. I felt like I was giving a bad impression though- made even worse when I was late back from break (got waylaid talking to my old head of year). Thankfully I've known the Sociology teacher for quite a while, and we get on really well, so that was a little less nerve-wracking, and I spoke a bit more. Unfortunately, I did have the problem of doing group-work with people who I didn't know but who all knew each other... Bit awkward.
Even without the stress of starting new subjects, going back to school was hard- I really really don't cope with change at all, and there's often a lot of change to process at the beginning of a new school year. There are loads of new faces around the place, and occasionally the school changes around a bit. There were two even bigger changes this year: firstly, we have a completely different leadership team, which means that it's all change in general, which will take a while to get used to and means that I no longer know anyone in the leadership. Pretty scary, especially when last year I got on really well with both my head of year and the Year 13 head, so was happy talking to either of them if I needed to. Also, most of the Cat Family have left, which makes me sad. It's weird not seeing them around the place, and even weirder knowing that they won't be in Music, or at Music after-school club. Heck, I won't be in Music much, or at Music after-school club. Yet another thing to get used to.
As a result of all of that, I felt pretty exhausted and stressed out by the end of yesterday. I then went to Mentality, and then to meet up with CF, who was at a social thing for a group she works with. That meant being around new people, which in retrospect probably wasn't the best idea as it was another stressful occurrence- think I overdid it on the stressful situation front yesterday!
Today was no better; to accommodate my other choices, I've had to move my English Language not just to another class, but to another school. That meant getting the bus from somewhere I've never caught it before, getting to the school, getting to my class, settling in where everyone has their groups/friendships already, two teachers I'd never even heard of before, catching up on the work they did last term... Incredibly full on!! Made easier because I know someone in the class quite well, and other friends are doing lessons at the school at the same time- thank goodness!!
Following all of this, we had an assembly at school which didn't go down too well. The less said about this the better really, it just left everyone with mixed feelings and morale wasn't so great.
After all of that, got home to find out that my sister had to write about her family today. What did she say about me? 'I love playing with my sister when she has time'. The first bit was adorable; the second bit made me sad, and even more stressed. I wish I had more time to play with my sister :(
All in all, it's been a pretty tough couple of days, and I'm feeling very much worse for wear now. Very very much in need of some serious sleep, hugs and a relaxing weekend!!
However. I don't want to leave this on a negative note, because there have actually been some really good moments in the last few days- I spent my last day of the summer holidays in the best way possible, with tea and fabulous company. I then received a couple of really really lovely, motivating texts on Wednesday/Thursday that made me smile a lot and made things a lot easier to deal with. On Thursday I got to see people again, there was lots of catching up, and there were hugs all round several times, which was lovely. Although the leadership in sixth form has changed, my tutor's the same, which is really positive. Mentality was fab, and it was really good to see CF on Thursday, as stressed as I was. Finally, today some of the Cat Family came into school in the afternoon, which made me absolutely thrilled beyond words, and I played Monopoly with my sister this evening!! Also just the fact that I did get through it all, and I've coped pretty well considering, and I know it could all have gone a lot lot worse. So- stressed, tired, anxious and realising I've overdone it, yes. But I still can't say it's been a *bad* couple of days, I know it'll get better once I've settled in more, and it has made me appreciate the good moments a lot more!
Definitely time to hit the hay now. Over and out x
I knew when I got my timetable that yesterday had the potential to be difficult- on Thursdays, I have both my AS subjects. That meant that yesterday was similar to starting sixth form all over again- except that I wasn't, and the combination of the two made things quite difficult to deal with. Though I didn't have to worry about finding rooms (thank goodness), I did have to go in by myself (which I put off, both times, until the very last minute) and try to find a friendly face to sit by. There was no one I really knew in either class, which made me feel a lot more anxious; in both cases I kind of just went for whichever seat I could find! For Law I also don't really know the teacher (though I do kind of know her, which is better than nothing!), which was nerve-wracking. As a consequence of everything, I was really really quiet, which is nothing like I am normally, but then again the rest of the class was pretty quiet, so it wasn't out of place. I felt like I was giving a bad impression though- made even worse when I was late back from break (got waylaid talking to my old head of year). Thankfully I've known the Sociology teacher for quite a while, and we get on really well, so that was a little less nerve-wracking, and I spoke a bit more. Unfortunately, I did have the problem of doing group-work with people who I didn't know but who all knew each other... Bit awkward.
Even without the stress of starting new subjects, going back to school was hard- I really really don't cope with change at all, and there's often a lot of change to process at the beginning of a new school year. There are loads of new faces around the place, and occasionally the school changes around a bit. There were two even bigger changes this year: firstly, we have a completely different leadership team, which means that it's all change in general, which will take a while to get used to and means that I no longer know anyone in the leadership. Pretty scary, especially when last year I got on really well with both my head of year and the Year 13 head, so was happy talking to either of them if I needed to. Also, most of the Cat Family have left, which makes me sad. It's weird not seeing them around the place, and even weirder knowing that they won't be in Music, or at Music after-school club. Heck, I won't be in Music much, or at Music after-school club. Yet another thing to get used to.
As a result of all of that, I felt pretty exhausted and stressed out by the end of yesterday. I then went to Mentality, and then to meet up with CF, who was at a social thing for a group she works with. That meant being around new people, which in retrospect probably wasn't the best idea as it was another stressful occurrence- think I overdid it on the stressful situation front yesterday!
Today was no better; to accommodate my other choices, I've had to move my English Language not just to another class, but to another school. That meant getting the bus from somewhere I've never caught it before, getting to the school, getting to my class, settling in where everyone has their groups/friendships already, two teachers I'd never even heard of before, catching up on the work they did last term... Incredibly full on!! Made easier because I know someone in the class quite well, and other friends are doing lessons at the school at the same time- thank goodness!!
Following all of this, we had an assembly at school which didn't go down too well. The less said about this the better really, it just left everyone with mixed feelings and morale wasn't so great.
After all of that, got home to find out that my sister had to write about her family today. What did she say about me? 'I love playing with my sister when she has time'. The first bit was adorable; the second bit made me sad, and even more stressed. I wish I had more time to play with my sister :(
All in all, it's been a pretty tough couple of days, and I'm feeling very much worse for wear now. Very very much in need of some serious sleep, hugs and a relaxing weekend!!
However. I don't want to leave this on a negative note, because there have actually been some really good moments in the last few days- I spent my last day of the summer holidays in the best way possible, with tea and fabulous company. I then received a couple of really really lovely, motivating texts on Wednesday/Thursday that made me smile a lot and made things a lot easier to deal with. On Thursday I got to see people again, there was lots of catching up, and there were hugs all round several times, which was lovely. Although the leadership in sixth form has changed, my tutor's the same, which is really positive. Mentality was fab, and it was really good to see CF on Thursday, as stressed as I was. Finally, today some of the Cat Family came into school in the afternoon, which made me absolutely thrilled beyond words, and I played Monopoly with my sister this evening!! Also just the fact that I did get through it all, and I've coped pretty well considering, and I know it could all have gone a lot lot worse. So- stressed, tired, anxious and realising I've overdone it, yes. But I still can't say it's been a *bad* couple of days, I know it'll get better once I've settled in more, and it has made me appreciate the good moments a lot more!
Definitely time to hit the hay now. Over and out x
Thursday, 4 September 2014
Farewell to Summer
Tomorrow I start Year 13. Therefore, today is the last day of the summer. Not just any summer. The biggest and best summer I have ever had. The sort of time period that becomes a landmark- it feels so weird to be going back to sixth form tomorrow, because I have grown and changed so much in the past few weeks.
For me, the summer always begins with my birthday, this year celebrated in three parts- with my family on the day, with my friends for a picnic, and with the WombBuds. Soon after this, there was YCF2014, which was a really fantastic weekend. At the beginning of July I started my Level Two swim teaching course, which was nerve-wracking but which actually went really well! I also went up to London to watch the amazing drama group perform (and to take pictures of beautiful beautiful London). I also went to see CAITLIN MORAN, and blogged about this for PBG. Though I was incredibly busy with the swim teaching, I got to go to PRIDE for a bit, which was really fab- so going again next year!! The following week was my work experience, which was very positive (and also involved lots of vegetables and the Playground Cafe). The video I helped make with Rife Magazine premiered, and I felt pretty accomplished (finished the swim course and got my piano results back), PCH turned 18 and I went to the Harbour Festival on my lemon!
The week after I got to see some of the swimming friends, including someone I only see once a year or so, and I saw the WombBuds. At the weekend I went to a party at the place I did my work experience, and also failed at baking, much to CF's disgust. The next week, I went away on a residential with NCS (albeit after missing a day due to being ill). I missed the second week of the residential, but did manage to go for a day, which was fab. The rest of the week was amazingly magical as I frolicked with the elves in Efteling!!
When I returned from Efteling my friend and I dyed our hair and went to the Balloon Fiesta. There was more NCS the next week as we volunteered with Wild Goose and planned our project; I blogged about everything we did here. The same week, I got my A level results and (some of) Cat Family had a sleepover.
The next week there was a lot more NCS; I also went on the radio, which was a huge personal goal.
Finally, I had possibly the biggest week of my life- we did the sponsored sleep-out, I went on an exciting trip to London (for tourism and Parliament and general feminist chilling) and, finally, Team Lucky Cat had a sleepover and did Color Me Rad!!
Wow!! I'm exhausted just thinking about it to be honest. It's been such an amazing summer. I've met and got to know some truly fantastic people; I've also spent more time with people I knew anyway who fit into the category of truly fantastic. Thank you to all of them.
It's also been a big summer in terms of development and growth. I've had some experiences that have really made me think, some to the point of changing me and helping me grow as a person. I'm looking at the world a little differently now, and I think that's for the better. I've made decisions that not everyone will agree with, I've done things that I- don't regret, exactly, but wish I'd done differently. I've really really learnt a great deal, and I am taking so much away from this.
It's just been- well, beyond words. And I know I harp on about mental health a lot, but- this time last year I was really ill, and I couldn't see things getting any better. I've come so so far, to the point of being able to say that I'm the happiest I've ever been. That is so so huge, I really can't emphasise how much that means to me.
Summer 2014, you have been freaking amazing. You have been such a landmark in my life. Thank you for being rad, and thank you so much to everyone I've shared it with. All the love. So much love.
Year 13? Get ready. Here I come.
For me, the summer always begins with my birthday, this year celebrated in three parts- with my family on the day, with my friends for a picnic, and with the WombBuds. Soon after this, there was YCF2014, which was a really fantastic weekend. At the beginning of July I started my Level Two swim teaching course, which was nerve-wracking but which actually went really well! I also went up to London to watch the amazing drama group perform (and to take pictures of beautiful beautiful London). I also went to see CAITLIN MORAN, and blogged about this for PBG. Though I was incredibly busy with the swim teaching, I got to go to PRIDE for a bit, which was really fab- so going again next year!! The following week was my work experience, which was very positive (and also involved lots of vegetables and the Playground Cafe). The video I helped make with Rife Magazine premiered, and I felt pretty accomplished (finished the swim course and got my piano results back), PCH turned 18 and I went to the Harbour Festival on my lemon!
The week after I got to see some of the swimming friends, including someone I only see once a year or so, and I saw the WombBuds. At the weekend I went to a party at the place I did my work experience, and also failed at baking, much to CF's disgust. The next week, I went away on a residential with NCS (albeit after missing a day due to being ill). I missed the second week of the residential, but did manage to go for a day, which was fab. The rest of the week was amazingly magical as I frolicked with the elves in Efteling!!
When I returned from Efteling my friend and I dyed our hair and went to the Balloon Fiesta. There was more NCS the next week as we volunteered with Wild Goose and planned our project; I blogged about everything we did here. The same week, I got my A level results and (some of) Cat Family had a sleepover.
The next week there was a lot more NCS; I also went on the radio, which was a huge personal goal.
Finally, I had possibly the biggest week of my life- we did the sponsored sleep-out, I went on an exciting trip to London (for tourism and Parliament and general feminist chilling) and, finally, Team Lucky Cat had a sleepover and did Color Me Rad!!
Wow!! I'm exhausted just thinking about it to be honest. It's been such an amazing summer. I've met and got to know some truly fantastic people; I've also spent more time with people I knew anyway who fit into the category of truly fantastic. Thank you to all of them.
It's also been a big summer in terms of development and growth. I've had some experiences that have really made me think, some to the point of changing me and helping me grow as a person. I'm looking at the world a little differently now, and I think that's for the better. I've made decisions that not everyone will agree with, I've done things that I- don't regret, exactly, but wish I'd done differently. I've really really learnt a great deal, and I am taking so much away from this.
It's just been- well, beyond words. And I know I harp on about mental health a lot, but- this time last year I was really ill, and I couldn't see things getting any better. I've come so so far, to the point of being able to say that I'm the happiest I've ever been. That is so so huge, I really can't emphasise how much that means to me.
Summer 2014, you have been freaking amazing. You have been such a landmark in my life. Thank you for being rad, and thank you so much to everyone I've shared it with. All the love. So much love.
Year 13? Get ready. Here I come.
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
Radioooo!
So uh this morning I was featured on BBC Radio Bristol, talking about my mental health and youth mental health services. Very very exciting, and I am so so pleased to have been involved!! If you want to have a listen, follow this link- my segment is at around 7:35ish!
Headspace!!
As you may have gathered from various blogging things, I have been really really busy recently. This is fab- I'm doing lots, and enjoying it all, and everything is pretty fabby. However, I blog a lot about the big stuff I do that makes me busy. This isn't a post about that. This is a post about the times I'm not busy.
Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am very much a people person. I love meeting people, I love chatting- I just love people really! However, in order to be that people person, I very much need my own space too- time when I can recover from being busy and being surrounded by people- which are two things I am a lot of the time.
I call the time I have to myself 'headspace'- time and space that allows me to get my head together, and allows me to be me. Headspace can take various forms, depending on where I am and what's going on. If I have the time, I absolutely love long walks with the dog- yesterday evening I went to one of my favourite spots just at the right time to make the most of the beautiful views, which was really lovely and very calming.
However, with being busy and rushing around a lot, I've had to find ways of getting headspace in other ways too. For example, today I had an hour between NCS and Brook, so I sat by the Harbour with my notebook and headphones. The Harbour is one of my absolute favourite places, probably ever, and it's great when I need a break because I'm surrounded by people, and I get to people watch, but I don't have to interact.
This coping mechanism has been hugely important recently, as so much of my time has been spent with people, many of whom I don't know that well. I love all of that, of course, but it means I value my time alone more, even if it's a ten minute walk with my headphones in.
So there you go: headspace!
Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I am very much a people person. I love meeting people, I love chatting- I just love people really! However, in order to be that people person, I very much need my own space too- time when I can recover from being busy and being surrounded by people- which are two things I am a lot of the time.
I call the time I have to myself 'headspace'- time and space that allows me to get my head together, and allows me to be me. Headspace can take various forms, depending on where I am and what's going on. If I have the time, I absolutely love long walks with the dog- yesterday evening I went to one of my favourite spots just at the right time to make the most of the beautiful views, which was really lovely and very calming.
So there you go: headspace!
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