I never intended for this blog to become such a huge deal to me. My aim was to keep it light, easy, jokey. I don't want it to be a catalog of the things I wish I hadn't done.
Then again, I never wanted to become who I am, either.
I lasted two days; before that, around five. My driving force for keeping 'clean' is the disco I'm going to tomorrow; I want to look nice for once. I want to be just like every other person, letting their hair down and having a good time. Not the girl who knows that, despite her claims, isn't believed; not the person who can feel eyes lingering on their wrists.
However, I gave in. Thankfully, not much, but I'm still annoyed with myself. I've been doing better than I have been for ages; what happened?
The awful answer to that question is that I don't quite know. I had a great day out and a lovely evening with some brilliant people. Where did it go wrong?
Well, I went to an open evening... The thought of having to decide my next two years- which will affect everything thereafter- terrifies me. How can I know what I want to do when I take ages just to decide what clothes to wear each morning?! Everyone says I've got it all worked out, and I guess I have- I know pretty much what I want to do. I just can't cope with details, and the feeling that whatever I'm doing is stopping other things from happening. My mind's filled with what-ifs and how-abouts.
Also, once again I'm stuck in the middle of how I feel about *unidentified person*. The best (the only?) thing to do is move on- hasn't everyone been saying that for the past year and a half? And even if they hadn't, haven't I told myself about a trillion times? But it's not that easy. I thought I'd see them today, and I haven't, and once again I wish I had, despite knowing it's for the best that I didn't. Basically, it's complicated.
There are a couple of other things stressing me out, but I don't want to tackle them in this mood. I want to be the positive influence, I don't want to make others feel bad or over-think.
Hoping for better feelings in the morning. After all, party in the evening, and only three days in my countdown. Three days. I'm not sure I want them to go, I've been lookibg forward to this for so long.
I'd find some other big thing to look forward to, but I can't live like that, pushing on just to get to the next big event. I need to remember to stop, and enjoy life for itself.
I want things to get better.
Then again, I never wanted to become who I am, either.
I lasted two days; before that, around five. My driving force for keeping 'clean' is the disco I'm going to tomorrow; I want to look nice for once. I want to be just like every other person, letting their hair down and having a good time. Not the girl who knows that, despite her claims, isn't believed; not the person who can feel eyes lingering on their wrists.
However, I gave in. Thankfully, not much, but I'm still annoyed with myself. I've been doing better than I have been for ages; what happened?
The awful answer to that question is that I don't quite know. I had a great day out and a lovely evening with some brilliant people. Where did it go wrong?
Well, I went to an open evening... The thought of having to decide my next two years- which will affect everything thereafter- terrifies me. How can I know what I want to do when I take ages just to decide what clothes to wear each morning?! Everyone says I've got it all worked out, and I guess I have- I know pretty much what I want to do. I just can't cope with details, and the feeling that whatever I'm doing is stopping other things from happening. My mind's filled with what-ifs and how-abouts.
Also, once again I'm stuck in the middle of how I feel about *unidentified person*. The best (the only?) thing to do is move on- hasn't everyone been saying that for the past year and a half? And even if they hadn't, haven't I told myself about a trillion times? But it's not that easy. I thought I'd see them today, and I haven't, and once again I wish I had, despite knowing it's for the best that I didn't. Basically, it's complicated.
There are a couple of other things stressing me out, but I don't want to tackle them in this mood. I want to be the positive influence, I don't want to make others feel bad or over-think.
Hoping for better feelings in the morning. After all, party in the evening, and only three days in my countdown. Three days. I'm not sure I want them to go, I've been lookibg forward to this for so long.
I'd find some other big thing to look forward to, but I can't live like that, pushing on just to get to the next big event. I need to remember to stop, and enjoy life for itself.
I want things to get better.