22nd July: Tattoos/Scars/Birthmarks/Piercings

Tattoos

None- yet!! Less than a year till I'm old enough, and I cannot wait. I have many plans!

Scars

I am very bad at shaving my legs- so I have several scars on the backs of my shins from accidentally catching my skin. I also have one on each knee- the left is from a razor that took all the skin off and very little hair; the one on my right is from my sister deciding to scare me whilst I was shaving my legs.
On my fourth finger of my left hand, I've got a scar from when I was little and a fire grate fell on my finger; the nail on that finger also grows differently. Small scar on my left elbow from messing around on poolside one time and ending up falling into the pool and hitting the steps.
Finally, there are three small burn scars near my left thumb, and my left arm/shoulder has too many to count, because in the past I have self-harmed. They're really obvious, and I often sense people looking at them, and sometimes I can practically hear them making assumptions and generalisations. Though I'm definitely not proud of them, I refuse to be ashamed of them, either- they're just scars, and they're in the past. I've got to learn with them whether I like it or not, and I'm doing just that. The scars I have do not affect my self-worth, or define me in any way. In addition, there are people who feel I shouldn't blog about things; but at the end of the day, anyone who knows me in person sees them, and anyone who sees pictures of me can often make them out. They're there, end of.

Birthmarks

One on my head, in the shape of a heart- honest!

Piercings

Haha! This is where it gets complicated... There's many, and they all have literary-themed names...
Nose: piercing in the right side, which I wanted for years and years and got done the second I could, last summer. I read My Sister's Keeper just after, and fell in love with Julia, so the name was an easy choice. I used to wear a stud in it, but I prefer my silver ring.
Right ear:

-Lobe. I had it done as a pair with my left when I was six. My best friend at the time, with whom I was in constant competition, had just had hers done, and I begged and begged to be allowed mine too. As mentioned below, I have vague plans to stretch this piercing a little, just enough to allow me to put a funky spiral in. It's called Ariana, one of my favourite names and a character from Harry Potter- I couldn't not have a Potter name here somewhere!
-Rook. I had this one done after seeing someone else with it at a university fair, and I blogged about it at the time. I expected it to hurt a lot as it's pretty thick cartilage; however, in the weeks before I had it done I'd had pretty severe toothache, as well as two dentist trips, so I think I'd got to the point of being pretty numb! I named this piercing Cassandra, because rooks make me think of castles (I'm not sure why, chess perhaps?!), and Cassandra is one of my favourite characters, from I Capture The Castle (funnily enough, one of my favourite books!). Also, it is currently slightly infected, so I apologise for that in the picture!
Left ear:

-First lobe. Done at the same time as the right lobe piercing, so see that one for details! I guess you could say this is where the piercing craze began... Over the past six months, I've been experimenting with a stretcher in this one. I don't want to go huge with it, just big enough to put a pretty spiral in it. Unfortunately, progress was stopped when it got infected, and I had to put a normal stud back in to let it heal :( I was planning on putting the stretcher back in; however, I think my left ear's already got a lot going on, so I'm going to put the stretcher in my right ear instead! This one's called Sophie, after a character in Howl's Moving Castle, one of my all-time favourite books (and series)!
-Second lobe. I did this one myself, a few years ago. My mum pierced her ears herself when she was my age, and I knew that, so I knew she couldn't be angry about it. I hinted pretty heavily that I was planning on it, but didn't actually tell her exactly when I was going to do it till after. I've called this one Arrietty, after the character from The Borrowers, which I loved when I was younger- I even had imaginary 'borrower' friends!
-Third lobe. This is another one I did myself, and I've actually done it three times. The first time, I was told to take it out for school, so it ended up growing over. I waited till I left, and did it again- however, I didn't like the position, and when I did my fourth (which was a tricksy beast) it made most sense to let it grow over and try again another time. I redid it a few weeks ago, and it's been a lot better since! When choosing my names, I decided that I had to honour Ballet Shoes in some way (I was such a huge Noel Streatfield fan for ages and ages, and Ballet Shoes is still up there on my list of favourite books!)- however, I didn't want to single out any of the three main characters, and I didn't want to 'use up' three spaces on one book either. Therefore, this one, currently on it's third piercing, seemed to suit the name of Pauline-Petrova-Posy!
-Fourth lobe. As mentioned above, this one was hard work! I did it last October (myself...), and it wouldn't settle for ages and ages, and I kept saying 'if it's not healed by (insert date) then I'll take it out and let it grow over', but each time I couldn't let myself give in. Funnily enough, the day after exams it stopped hurting and was absolutely fine! Since then it's still been irritating at times, but it's mostly okay.It's called Tink (after Tinker Bell, in Peter Pan)- in the book, she's really feisty and sweary, which I love. I really don't like how Disney have made her into a cute kids character!
-First helix. I had this done just under two weeks ago, at the same time as my second cartilage piercing. I've wanted a helix piercing for ages and ages, and was planning on getting it much earlier, but had my rook done first instead. In the end, I waited until I had birthday money! I knew I wanted a ring in it at some point, and as cartilage piercings can't be changed for quite a while, I got it done with the ring in the first place. This one's a bit of a reward as well- a 'well done' to myself for getting through my first year of sixth form! Though I was reluctant to use the same book twice, I called this one Wendy- I have a huge, huge love for J.M.Barrie, and Peter Pan is one of my absolute favourite books just for the beauty and magic it captures.
-Second helix. My original plan was to get one piercing in my helix, and get another when I get back from Gambia next year. However, I decided that as I had the money I might as well get it done at the same time as the other! This one serves as a 'well done' for my recovery journey this year (the date I had it done was the same date that I got to 150 days clean) and a reminder to keep going. When I was younger, I absolutely loved the Wizard of Oz, so it seemed fitting to name this one Dorothy.
Plans:
Due to my mum's fears about infections etc., I'm not getting any more piercings until I get back from Gambia. Then, I'm getting my tragus done in my left (at the same time as my friend), one in the auricle of my right ear and possibly another in the helix of my left!

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21st July: Biggest Accomplishments

My biggest accomplishments... Well, doing well in my GCSEs is a pretty big one. Going through with shaving my hair off for charity is another big one, particularly as I raised £608.13 for Mind! Umm...  Getting my piano grades (my latest is a merit in Grade 6), and completing both Level One and Level Two in swim teaching. Also being awarded General Excellence in Year 9, and a CLF award in Year 11. Lastly, being accepted as a blogger for PBG, and the guest post I wrote for Mental Health Awareness Week. I guess those are my main accomplishments, so to speak.
However, I have some other accomplishments that I'm proud of, that maybe don't fit into the stereotypical answer for this one. Firstly- for completing my GCSEs in the first place. I was quite ill, and that made them pretty damn hard; getting good grades was just a bonus, really. Another thing I'm really proud of is dropping Biology halfway through my AS year. It might not sound like much, but for me it was a huge step in accepting that something was going wrong and doing something to change that. I also think I've made some accomplishments with my recovery; I've got to 160 days clean (today, in fact) and I am in a much much better place than I was last year- in fact, a much much better place than ever before. It's hard work, and I'm forever terrified of going backwards, but I'm here.
Finally, there are the tiny ones that actually mean a great deal. Anyone ever tells me I've done well, or says that they're proud of me, or even just say that they like me- those are all huge accomplishments for me, because they're reminders that maybe, just maybe, I am accomplishing whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish!
I think that's all...

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Post-Birthday Post

Dear P,

This year I have gone through a full cycle of emotions towards you. I have felt angry to the point of not wanting to even talk to you; then complacent, where I would talk to you but uneasily. Eventually, I realised that my only choice was to forgive you, and to accept that maybe you were trying your best. Though I won't make the same mistakes again, I'm glad that I have got over how I used to feel. I feel pleased when I make you proud, and that's good enough for me.

Dear C,

Oh, there's so much I could say here! Though things have changed greatly, I'm always going to owe you more than I can ever, ever repay. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Dear HH,
Yeah, you were a brief thing, kinda, and yeah I still notice you. Ah well.

Dear BB,

One of the greatest people I know, and could ever hope to know. I love you so so much, and I want the best for you, because that is completely and totally what you deserve.

Dear WombBuds,

Meeting you this year was the best. We've become so close so quickly, and I'm really pleased that we've stayed in contact and kept close. I love my Sunday froyo with you, and our explorations of Bristol are fab. Looking forward to more Kinder Eggs, more bubble tea, more Piaget, more mahogany and more froyo. Wombies rule!

Dear TM,

Dt.

Dear Sixth Form,
I actually really agree with the people who say that I was 'born for sixth form'. I feel like I have become my own person this year, and this makes me happy!!

Dear *

Over this year I've gone from being sure that there would never be anyone else like you to knowing that though there won't be, that isn't a bad thing. You were  a huge part of my life, and that was and will be important to me. However, I have moved on, and I'm happy about that. You may have been my star, but I'm aiming for the sun and the moon.

Dear Mental Health,

We've been on a roller coaster ride this year, from the very lows to the very highs. Though I'll never be able to say for sure that I'm 100% recovered, I truly believe that I am on my way, and I like to think that I'm a stronger person for what I've experienced, no matter how impossible it felt at the time.

Dear B,

I haven't written to you in a while because you're no longer here. However, that doesn't mean you haven't been in my thoughts. I've missed you, and hope to be in contact with you again one day.

Dear Room,
It's been a big year, hasn't it?! There's more work to do, but you are so my favourite place :3 I've made you exactly the way I want, and that makes me happy- even happier that I've done almost all of the work! My escape, my safe haven :)

Dear SS,
You're a far more recent entry into my life. I believe that we meet people for a reason; I'm still trying to figure out what your reason is. Until then, you're lovely.

Dear H&M,
I'm not going to lie, I am still really angry with you. You made things worse at a time when that was the last thing I needed, and you threatened to hurt the people I spend my life protecting. It's really not what should have happened, and I hope that no-one ever has to experience what I experienced.

Dear R,
You never fail to make me smile, or to make me proud. I know I annoy you and call you small, but you'll never be small- there's far too much spirit in you. You complete me princess, and I am lucky to be able to call myself your sister. You'll go far, and I'll be with you every step of the way <3 xox

Dear T,
Thank you so much for your support over the last year, it really has been invaluable! I hope all is well with you, and wish you the best of luck.

Dear Future,
You are really really scary, but also exciting. I am taking each day as it comes, and that's the best way to be, I think. I'll get to things when I get to them, there's no need to hurry.

Dear Lucky Cats,
Goodness, where do I begin?! Possibly with a very high D, played at 24 f's on a clarinet (remember to go up three semis), tongued lightly and with the lyric 'cat'. You rock guys- you are fabulously amazingly fantastic, and getting closer to you all has been one of the best parts of my year (and also my life!). I love you beyond infinity- so many memories, and here's to more!!

Dear G,
We used to be so close, and it makes me sad that that's changed so much. It's made me angry and sad at times, and I wish I could make things right, but I guess that things change, and at least I had the memories. I'll always love you, and I'll always be here for you.

Dear all of H,
Thank you, for being lovely and for smiling. Though nothing to you, it's actually been really helpful and important to me.

Dear Self-Harm,
We've grown more distant over this year, and that's nothing but good. Sure, we've still had encounters, and I think you're always going to be that thought at the back of my mind, but I don't want to fall into you again. My arms are for bracelets and for henna, not for scars. Anyway, I've got better support than you now.

Dear M&D,
This year you have gone beyond all comprehension in terms of how much support and love you have given me. I know I am messy and forgetful and lazy and grumpy and I spend too much time on my phone/the laptop, but I am still eternally eternally overwhelmingly thankful for everything!!

Dear E,
I only knew you for a while, and we parted on bad terms, but you were very important. I would like to meet you again, to tell you that I am better, and to assure you that part of this is down to you. Thank you x

Dear WR,
You've been such a support over the past however many months, and you're another person who I'll never be able to thank- even by just putting up with me you're amazing! I know you sometimes stress out if I'm upset, but I'm going to get upset regardless, it's better that I 'let it out'. In addition, if you weren't helping, I wouldn't come straight to you when I need to. You're fab!

Dear Self,
It's been a tough year. However, it's not been a bad year- after all, so many amazing things have happened! I've got through it, and I truly do believe that I am a better person for it. Finally, I am beginning to feel like this is where I belong, and that this is where I'm meant to be. Being 16 has been eventful, and I can't wait to see what the future brings.

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10) Get published somehow

I have done this one, and I am still dancing on air.
Last week, I posted about it being Mental Health Awareness Week. Shortly after I wrote that post (which, admittedly, was also used on Facebook), I saw a request from a blogger (Twitter: @JessicaRdctd) for guest posts for her blog, based around MHAW. I thought there would probably already be too many, but I took a chance and emailed her, and was delighted when she said that there was still room. By Friday, I had emailed off my post (albeit at the expense of my Psychology revision!).
The post was published today- cue lots and lots of jumping and giggling and smiling and being very very incoherent (and completely ruining the afternoon calm in the Humanities office, whoops)! I am so so pleased that I was published somewhere other than this blog, which is mainly read by friends- as I said, it was a real blog read by real people (not that you aren't real, people reading this, but you know what I mean!). The people who have read it have been incredibly, breath-takingly supportive beyond words (totally not been emotional at any point of today...), and I'm really pleased that I took a chance in submitting it. It's also been a reminder of how amazing and supportive the people around me are- had some of the sweetest comments today!! It wasn't easy- but so far, so good!!
For anyone who's interested, here's the post I wrote!

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Mental Health Awareness Week

This week marks Mental Health Awareness Week. It is such a hugely important week: in the course of one year, one in four people will experience some kind of mental health problem. And yet, so much of mental health remains unspoken. We are so quick to sympathise with someone who has broken a bone, or has a headache, or suffers from some other physical ailment. So why, when it comes to mental health, do attitudes change so wildly? It is no different.
The stigma surrounding mental health surrounds us constantly. It is in the way we ask each other 'how are you?', yet never expect anyone to give a truthful answer. It is in the way that those who are struggling are mocked, are seen to be less worthy because of something out of their control. It is in the way we find it acceptable to use phrases such as 'you're so bipolar' and 'I just want to kill myself'. It's not acceptable to say 'you're so cancer' or 'I just want to have a heart attack'. Again, it is no different.
This year's Mental Health Awareness Week has a focus on anxiety. This is something I really relate to. My struggle with anxiety is ongoing. It is not an easy battle: my anxiety has evolved, and grown, just as I have. There have been times when I have felt like it was taking me, when whatever was going on in my mind made me question everything. Everything. One of the hardest things about mental health problems is that it feels as though your fight is with yourself. I cannot express how impossible that is to deal with- I can only hope that, if you don't understand, then you'll never have to.
My anxiety means that there are things other people take for granted that for me are huge. Things that 'normal teenagers' can do, like going to parties or talking on the phone, are things that, for me, are really difficult.
This thing, this anxiety- it is something that a lot of people cannot understand. They will tell us to 'snap out of it', they will tell us 'not to stress'. Do not listen to them, for they do not know what it's like. You are entitled to feel exactly how you feel, and to react accordingly.
Personally, a large part of my recovery has been through challenging those thoughts that try to shake me down. I live by the motto that I should overcome a challenge every day. Sometimes that is big, like going to a party or similar. Other days, that means talking to someone unfamiliar, or getting through a two-minute exchange and feeling it went well. Even this is part of that- putting something out there that could attract criticism, because I'm determined to show the world that it's absolutely okay not to be okay. Life is a series of challenges, but I am getting there.
There are some people for whom the visual of what I have experienced will forever limit their view of me. The thing is, that's not going to stop me. Every day I am slightly stronger, and I am going to prove every one of those narrow-minded people wrong. I am so much more than my past and my experiences and my mental health.
What's more, I am going to succeed for those who haven't been narrow-minded: this is for those who care, those who have stuck with me, those who love me when I cannot love myself. This is for those who actually ask me if I'm okay, who continually smile and say hello, reminding me that I matter. Watch this space, for I am going to make you proud. I'm going to fly.
For anyone struggling with their mental health- I consider myself to be proof that it does get better. It is not easy. Far from it. But it is possible. I promise you, keep going, for one day you will see the sun, and you will smile and smile until you want to burst. For those who are supporting someone with mental health struggles- again, it is not easy. But whenever you wonder why you're doing it, whenever you want to give in to sheer frustration, remember that they are still the person you love. Their struggles do not define them, and better days are coming. Finally, for the people I'd consider the minority, who have no experience of mental health issues. Be kind. Do not be scared of what you cannot understand.
And to all- mental health is terrifying, and consuming, and shrouded in a stigma that is fuel to the fire. But together we can hope for a day where, if mental health issues must still exist, then the stigma that surrounds them is gone. We can hope for a day where we can be empathetic to everyone, not just those we choose. We can hope for a day where awareness weeks such as this are merely relics of days when we were less aware, and not a call for openness taken by only the select few. Help us all get to that day: refuse to use language that could hurt others; keep an eye on those around you; don't be scared to offer someone a hand. All you need to do is care.
It can and will get better.

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3) Do something completely out of my comfort zone

I have just done one of the scariest things I have ever, ever done. Possibly the scariest thing. As far as I am concerned, it more than completes this number. It was terrifying, yet I did it, and I am so so proud of myself.

Some backstory. Off The Record (@otrbristol), who are a counselling group in Bristol, tweeted a link to an article about a guy called Sam Carvalho (@SamCarvalho). A year or so ago, he set up a website called Stand Up, Stay Strong, which aims to provide emotional support for teenagers. It's become really really popular, and he's been using the success not only to help people in a practical way, but also in other other ways- his latest project involves people taking selfies of themselves holding a piece of paper, on which they write the name of the mental illness they/someone they know suffers from. The pictures are going to be collated and made into a video that will hopefully help to reduce some of the stigma surrounding mental illness.
For those who are wondering about this stigma- society's view on mental illness is hugely negative, and very hurtful. People are routinely told to 'get over' things that others will never understand. If you have cancer, or multiple sclerosis, or even just a common cold, you are supported, and you are allowed to talk about it. If you have a mental illness? Nothing. You're expected to power through it, even when this feels impossible. You're expected to keep quiet and not talk about it- even when this is one of the biggest factors in making mental illness worse. The world needs to change this view, for we need to talk, and we need to support and love everyone who needs it, not just those we choose. The only way for this to happen is for people to be open, wherever and whenever they can.
I saw the tweet by Off The Record, and thought 'ooh, that's a really good idea, look forward to seeing those'. Then I thought- 'hang on, I could do that'. It took a lot of debating it with myself, and a lot of thinking about whether or not it was a good idea. Something about it felt like I shouldn't- but when I actually thought about it, I couldn't think of any reasons against it, and lots of reasons for it. Why? Well, what's there to be ashamed of? It's just illness, like any other illness. Mental illness has been something I've grown up with, through supporting others, and it became something I then had to face myself. It's something that keeps coming back, in various guises, through various ways. My battles with it are documented- physically, in fact, on my medical records, and on my arms. This is not something I'm proud of, let me settle that now. However, not being proud doesn't mean you should be ashamed, either. In addition, I've been through it, and I've helped others through it, and both of these continue- and I'm still here. I'm still fighting, and I'm proud of that. I want to use my experiences to help others, to inspire them not to give up, either. To do that, I need to be open. And that's exactly what submitting my selfie involved: being open. On a more personal note, I realised it would also be a huge step in my personal recovery. I'm finally at the stage where I can say that it's absolutely okay to ask me about my mental health, and about the past few years- there are questions that I can't answer due to the confidentiality of others, but it is always always okay to ask, I promise.
So. I sorted out a bit of paper and wrote something that felt appropriate, and tweeted it. It was absolutely absolutely terrifying- I hadn't realised how scary it would be!! It involved completely opening up to the world's views, and being open about myself!
How's it gone? Well, amazingly well. So many people have retweeted it, and people have tweeted me being really really lovely, and congratulating me on doing it- a panda bear tweeted me with a hug, and someone else told me that I'm 'truly courageous', 'sincerely humane' and 'an inspiration', which is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
It was so so scary, but I'm so proud I did it! I want to see a world where everyone can be open about what they're going through, without stigma and discrimination- it won't cure mental illness, but it will make life fairer for those who have to deal with it.
I am still here and I'm still fighting. I may not be there yet, but I am further than I've been. And I am not ashamed. I have no reason to be.

To anyone suffering from a mental illness, or simply just feeling rough in any way, or supporting someone else through it? I respect you, and I love you, and though I cannot offer proper support, I can be an ear if that's what you need. I know it is hard, but I promise, it can and will get better. Peace out.

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It's Been A Good Term

I was going to write this at the beginning of the Easter break, reflecting on the just-finished term (Term 4). However, I was really busy, and wanted to do it justice, so it got left- up until now!

Since I started writing this blog, I have experienced 10 school terms (one of those being study leave, but oh well), and none of those have merited their own individual blog post. So why now, for term 4 of sixth form? Well, because it's been, as Kait Rokowski might put it, a good term. For the first time in goodness knows how long- maybe since Year 9? Maybe even since the beginning of secondary school?! It's hardly been the smoothest experience- I have been mostly happy for a whole term. This is extraordinary, and I still can't quite believe it's happened. A year ago, I didn't think I'd get here- not just to having a good term, but here at all. This is such a huge contrast to last year, and I couldn't be happier with it.
That's not to say the last term has been perfect, or even easy. It hasn't been. I've had a couple of reasonably major freak-outs, I've not slept well, there have been ups and downs, and there have been times when I've felt triggered. But just the fact that I can count that up is pretty amazing- in Term 3, it would almost have been easier to total the times I felt happy! This is life, and it isn't perfect- in most cases, it's rare to have an extended period of time where everything goes completely 'right'. With the things going on in my life all the time, this is even more unlikely. But when things go wrong, that doesn't mean I can't be happy, or that I can't find ways to cope, or that nothing is ever going to go right ever again. It just means that something went wrong. I can- and have, and will- pick up the pieces, and find my way again.
It has been a good term. I know all too well the precariousness I am balanced on, and I know how easily things can change. But it has been a good term, and that is something to be so incredibly thankful for.
Bring on the next!

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Recital.

So so so the A level recital is on Thursday. In English: I have to play the piano. In front of people. This is... mega. And awful. I already feel like I'm going to throw up, so goodness knows how I'll be on Thursday. I'm trying to use positive coping strategies (clean for over a month, and I want to keep it this way), but I'm not going to lie, it is hard. I can't wait till after Thursday.

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Realisation

Today I had a CAMHS meeting where it was decided that I'm no longer doing a six week course of CBT-based counselling, which was set up for me to begin on Monday, and instead that I'm to have a year of weekly psychotherapy sessions. A year. That is a daunting thought. I'm also nervous as I'm not convinced that psychotherapy is going to work; it involves working out how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling this way- which, when I have absolutely no idea kind of implies that the meetings are going to be fairly silent. Plus, it's kind of tag-lined as 'helping me to get to know myself'. Which is what I was doing in the CAMHS sessions that I eventually quit, as they weren't helping.

However, there's another part of me that wants me to try it- I have no other options, so technically nothing to lose. Also, maybe the person I work with will be the person who manages to find answers to some of the questions. Who knows.

I think I've mainly convinced myself into going; I feel frustrated when I think about it, and I just want to get the sessions started already, but at the moment I'm happy to go, just about. I need to do this, for myself and others.

I also finally had a moment today of realising that I really don't want to harm myself. It might not seem like much, but that was a huge moment for me. It was the moment of realising that nothing I do to my body, in any way, is going to make things better. I don't think I've ever had that moment before- I've had times of forcing myself not to self-harm, but not like this, not like realising that it's not even really an option. Why hurt myself because I hurt? I don't need to do this to myself.

I also really really want to get to my current goals- I've written them all out in my diary to encourage myself. Obviously, the long-term aim is never ever again, and I would so so love the last time to really be the last time. However, at the moment I have my little goals- another day, get to ten days, etc.- and my bigger ones- 40 days, 80 days (which I've never before reached), 100 days and 200 days. If I keep this 'run' going, then Day 40 will be the same day as I'm going to a concert with IG and BB, which is a good goal.

I don't want to have to cover up my arms because I have cuts; I don't even want the scars, anymore. I don't want to feel rubbish all the time. I want to be able to feel happy, and enjoy things, and be good for my family, not bad for them. The only way to do that is through recovery.

I am going to work so so so hard on this. Okay, I will have bad days, and it will feel like I'm not getting anywhere. But I'm determine to do what I can- setting goals, acknowledging my successes, small and big. I want to try and use this blog more effectively in my recovery- I think I've said this before, but this time I'm even more determined. 

I can and will recover.

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New Outlook

There are some things that happen, or that have happened, that are better off staying away from this blog: partly because I don't want them where anyone could stumble across them, partly because I have to remember that they could trigger/influence others and partly because, useful as this blog is, there are some things I would rather not have a record of.
So, I want to gloss over some things and just say that, for as long as I can make it last, I'm going to keep this blog really positive. I feel hesitant about using the word 'recovery', as it sounds so serious and I'm not sure that that is really what this is, but at the same time I feel it is a vaguely appropriate word to use. I want to 'recover' from everything that's holding me back and holding me down; I want to get to a day when I can feel happy and relaxed for a sustained period of time, a day when the scars on my arms are just a thing of the past.
Of course, I will also post a lot of the type of stuff I normally post, like random trivia and videos/songs and weird links and my views and rants and all that jazz! I just want to use this as a base for optimism and 'recovery', rather than negativity, as well!
I hope that this blog will be really instrumental in helping me with this, and- maybe, hopefully- help others to also feel better, in their own lives or in their own version of 'recovery', whatever that may be linked to or from. I warn you now, that this is not going to be easy- I will still get stressed, and I am likely to still use blogging as an outlet for that. However, I can promise you that I will try. I want to be the best me I can be again.
Finally, introducing a new blog tag- smile- which I'll tag anything 'recovery'/happy related in the future, and might try and tag some old posts, just so that if you're here and you need cheering up, you can access stuff that might help you do that :)
Here's to thoughts of a brighter future x

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Weather

Today has been an iffy day. Lunchtime was hilarious; other parts, not so good.
Weather is still brilliant, thankfully. I'm slightly worried about the news that it's meant to change very soon. I need it to stay like this- the thought of exams etc. has been quite triggering, but I've managed not to act on that due to the weather meaning I can't wear long sleeves without arousing suspicion, as well as wanting to really enjoy it. If the weather gets worse, however, that reason will be gone. I don't want to go back to being out of recovery, but it feels inevitable :(

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Ugh.

Forgot to mention. I threw away 80 days of 'recovery' a couple of days ago. I don't really know why. I've been feeling better since then, but not now.

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Summer Plans: The Biggie

Soo, having been inspired by Gambia, and the amount my friends and I raised through our car washing, I wanted to do something more to raise money for something that's close to my heart. I wanted something big; something that would maybe scare me a little; something worthwhile.
Consequently, at the end of the summer, I'm shaving my hair off for charity. I've had the idea for a while, but I've just officially signed up. Wow. This is... I don't know. Terrifying. I'm shaking a lot, just from realising that this is actually going to happen. I'm excited though; I know I need to do it. I think I'm trying to prove something to myself. I'm not sure what, but something.
All the money I raise will go to Mind, which is a mental health charity that provides help, information and courses for those affected by mental health issues or those who want to work in related careers. It's something very close to my heart; mental illness has affected my life in a range of ways, both in seeing those I love go through illness, and with my own experiences with self-harm. There seemed to be little question that it was the right charity.
Deep breath. Wow. This is happening.

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Princess Diana

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/special/politics97/diana/panorama.html

Found a transcript of a BBC interview with Princess Diana in 1995, and realised it needs to be shared. The whole thing is very interesting, to be honest- I think I'd describe her as one of my inspirations. However, I've pasted the bit I found most comforting; she really 'hits the nail on the head' with her comments about self-harm and bulimia. It's a reminder that this isn't a small, exclusive problem: it can affect all sorts of people, for all sorts of reasons.
I've highlighted a few sections that struck me most, and though particularly about self-harm/bulimia, could be used to better understand all sorts of similar issues.

BASHIR: According to press reports, it was suggested that it was around this time things became so difficult that you actually tried to injure yourself.
DIANA: Mmm. When no one listens to you, or you feel no one's listening to you, all sorts of things start to happen.
For instance you have so much pain inside yourself that you try and hurt yourself on the outside because you want help, but it's the wrong help you're asking for. People see it as crying wolf or attention-seeking, and they think because you're in the media all the time you've got enough attention, inverted commas.
But I was actually crying out because I wanted to get better in order to go forward and continue my duty and my role as wife, mother, Princess of Wales.
So yes, I did inflict upon myself. I didn't like myself, I was ashamed because I couldn't cope with the pressures.
BASHIR: What did you actually do?
DIANA: Well, I just hurt my arms and my legs; and I work in environments now where I see women doing similar things and I'm able to understand completely where they're coming from.
BASHIR: What was your husband's reaction to this, when you began to injure yourself in this way?
DIANA: Well, I didn't actually always do it in front of him. But obviously anyone who loves someone would be very concerned about it.
BASHIR: Did he understand what was behind the physical act of hurting yourself, do you think?
DIANA: No, but then not many people would have taken the time to see that.
BASHIR: Were you able to admit that you were in fact unwell, or did you feel compelled simply to carry on performing as the Princess of Wales?
DIANA: I felt compelled to perform. Well, when I say perform, I was compelled to go out and do my engagements and not let people down and support them and love them.
And in a way by being out in public they supported me, although they weren't aware just how much healing they were giving me, and it carried me through.
BASHIR: But did you feel that you had to maintain the public image of a successful Princess of Wales?
DIANA: Yes I did, yes I did.
BASHIR: The depression was resolved, as you say, but it was subsequently reported that you suffered bulimia. Is that true?
DIANA: Yes, I did. I had bulimia for a number of years. And that's like a secret disease.
You inflict it upon yourself because your self-esteem is at a low ebb, and you don't think you're worthy or valuable. You fill your stomach up four or five times a day - some do it more - and it gives you a feeling of comfort.
It's like having a pair of arms around you, but it's temporarily, temporary. Then you're disgusted at the bloatedness of your stomach, and then you bring it all up again.
And it's a repetitive pattern which is very destructive to yourself.
BASHIR: How often would you do that on a daily basis?
DIANA: Depends on the pressures going on. If I'd been on what I call an awayday, or I'd been up part of the country all day, I'd come home feeling pretty empty, because my engagements at that time would be to do with people dying, people very sick, people's marriage problems, and I'd come home and it would be very difficult to know how to comfort myself having been comforting lots of other people, so it would be a regular pattern to jump into the fridge.
It was a symptom of what was going on in my marriage.
I was crying out for help, but giving the wrong signals, and people were using my bulimia as a coat on a hanger: they decided that was the problem - Diana was unstable.
BASHIR: Instead of looking behind the symptom at the cause.
DIANA: Uh,uh.
BASHIR: What was the cause?
DIANA: The cause was the situation where my husband and I had to keep everything together because we didn't want to disappoint the public, and yet obviously there was a lot of anxiety going on within our four walls.
BASHIR: Do you mean between the two of you?
DIANA: Uh,uh.
BASHIR: And so you subjected yourself to this phase of bingeing and vomiting?
DIANA: You could say the word subjected, but it was my escape mechanism, and it worked, for me, at that time.

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The Artist

My arms stretch out ahead of me
Blank canvasses, which, if I want, I can fill
With hurt, and sadness, and the pain of wanting everything to be okay
My arms can show those stories; they have done before, and more besides.
However, that's not all they could show
If I wanted, I could take a pen, and draw
Fill my arms with all that I love, with beautiful things
Until there's no room for anything else
It might make me cry, doing that
But it's okay to cry, and let it all out
Better to cry than to keep hurting, to direct the pain inside.
Once that's done, once my arms are filled to fit no more
I can wash it off, and start again- no marks, no scars
No reminders of how I felt, when everything was wrong.
Of course, it's no fix:
My problems will still be there, I will still be worried and scared and alone
But nothing else I can do would change that, either
And, you never know, maybe being my own graffitti artist
Will be enough to make me smile, even for a moment
My arms stretch out ahead of me- blank canvasses
I want my canvasses
To be happy

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SIAD Ribbon

I wore my ribbon today; did you?

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SIAD

Today's SIAD- Self Injury Awareness Day; a day aimed towards breaking down the discrimination surrounding self-injury, and enabling those affected to feel less alone.
Show your support for SIAD- either draw a butterfly on your wrist, write 'love' on your arm or wear an orange ribbon.
Self-injury is an issue that affects more people than you might think. It's not a positive thing, and in a perfect world it wouldn't exist at all. However, in this world the least we can do is show our support and make the rest of the world see that self-injury isn't something to discriminate against or be ashamed of; after all, it's okay not to be okay.

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Proud Moment ^.^

Today's five weeks since I last self-harmed- longest I've gone so far. Last Friday was the full month, when I managed to use some post-Gambia 'buzz' to finally throw away the stuff I used to use.
Hoping I can keep this up, been feeling a lot better lately, long may it last ^.^

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An Amazing Poem I Found

don't tell me I'm beautiful
until you've seen my scars
which carve my legs
like thin white veins

don't tell me I'm sweet
until I've shut you out of my heart
because I swore to myself
that you are just like the rest

don't tell me I'm perfect
until you've seen me break down
I'll show you all the darkness
consuming my mind

but if you
have seen my scars
bitterness
and breakdowns
then perhaps I'll believe you

- Amanda Katherine Ricketson

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December...

Well, it's (finally!) the first of December; the first day of Advent! Sooo, I have three important things to say:

1) Yes, I'm already getting Christmassy. And I'm not apologising. Last year, because everything else was rather stressful, I barely noticed it was Christmas until ju.st before. Christmas inspires me and makes me happy. Therefore, I will be Christmassy. Might as well. I downloaded Christmas songs onto my iPod yesterday. Not started Christmas shopping yet though...

2) Today is the first day of Advent. It's also the start of No-Cut December. Having kind of ruined my 19-day streak, I'm determined to last this month if at all possible. I know it'll be hard, especially as I'm very stressed at the moment- however, I've also got a lot of things to keep me going. Just need to keep fixed on those

3) Today is also the start of Depiction December! I've been looking through other blogs, which are all heavily picture based- something I don't do as much. The whole of this month, I'm going to try to upload at least one picture each day that summarises something that happened in that day. However, the catch is that I need to have taken it- it can't be from Google or anything.

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