Dear the Wizarding World of Harry Potter

I've lost track of the number of times I've tried writing this letter. I just can't get my words to come out the way they appear inside my head. I'm kind of really tired, but I want to finish this before I go to bed. I've been trying to write this letter for as long as I can remember, and today seems like the day to get it done. Today I am 18, Harry Potter- or the wizarding world, or whatever it is I'm really writing to- and that's kind of important. I didn't really think I'd get to be here. If you hadn't be around, I guess I might not be.

I know I'm sounding melodramatic, wizarding world- there, that's almost short and snappy, we'll stick with that. I know I'm sounding melodramatic, wizarding world, and like I'm fishing for attention, but I'm not. I believe in being honest, and I believe in giving credit where credit's due. I may not know how to write this letter, but I know that I need it to be honest.

You were my Room of Requirement (get ready for the Potter metaphors, because I'm sure there will be an abundance coming right up). That is to say, you appeared right when I needed you; less like a space for the DA, and more like Dumbledore's bathroom, because I didn't know I needed you. I was- four, maybe? Little. Young enough not to really remember it. The Philosopher's Stone came out in cinemas, and we went to see it. Then we went to the library to start reading the books, or at least, for my dad to start reading them to me. I already said I was little. However, it seemed like everyone else had the same idea. The only book they had was the Prisoner of Azkaban- so we started with that one, and read the first three in reverse order.

That was one part of my life, wizarding world. There was another part of it, that wasn't so great. I'm a young carer (or I was; now I am a young adult carer). For as long as I can remember, I've been caring for someone with a mental illness. Mental illnesses are pretty damn scary when you're an adult and kind of sort of get what's going on. When you're a kid, they're a million times worse. It's all crying and being lonely and scared. It's confusing, and you have to grow up pretty quickly, and you just want to make everything better. Of course you can't, but you can try. I've been trying every day of my life, wizarding world.

Whilst I am on my soapbox, talking to the world that is most important to me, I would like to make it known that I do not bemoan being a carer. It is difficult, but I am not angry, nor is there any blame or judgement. It is rewarding. It is full of lessons, and unexpected blessings, and most of all love. If I could grant good mental health to the people I love (and to the world!), I would do it within a second. However, if I could not make the world happy, then I would not, instead, choose not to care.

Anyway, so there was that. A whole lot of stuff that I couldn't really understand, but couldn't avoid. And then- and then there was you. A magical world full of adventure. My Room of Requirement- exactly what I needed. Lesson one: you taught me how good books are for escaping from the world, when things get too much. I used you for that purpose a lot, extending your influence on my life far further than the pages. Things weren't always too fab at school, and it got a bit lonely. But it was okay, because, I wasn't Becky-the-weird-girl-on-her-own-in-the-playground anymore, I was Hermione Granger, brightest witch of her year and best friend to the Boy Who Lived. The concrete of the playground became moving staircases, and playtime after playtime was spent in magical lessons- not by myself anymore, but surrounded by hundreds of students, just like me. Magic.

No matter how scary and dark things seemed to get, you were the light switch I could always turn on (Dumbledore would be proud of that one, right?); always waiting for me with open arms. When I was sad, you held me; and when things were good- I don't want to make it sound all doom and gloom, there were far more good moments than there were bad- you were there to rejoice with me, too. 

My mum and dad- ever supportive and nurturing, ever fantastic and fabulous, ever every superlative ever- cottoned on to the fact that this was a love affair, and not some two-second fad, so helped me to explore. We went on trips to places used in the films; I played in cloisters, pretended to ride a broomstick. I had robes, games, figurines. For me, your world was as real as humanly possible.

Somewhere along the line, anxiety made me it's nest, and it hasn't given me up since. An anxiety disorder, they call it. It's something that a lot of people don't really understand- I'm sick of people telling me to get over it, or be positive, that they understand and that it'll be fine. You never told me any of those things, wizarding world. You were just there. You didn't need to ask questions about why the thought of death made me panic, or why I was suddenly certain my family would be involved in a car crash, or why I thought everyone hated me. You were the complete opposite to CAMHS and therapy, where they tried to make me talk and work through things; and yet, in your own way, you were just as helpful, if not more so. It wasn't just comfort I found in your pages, it was lessons, too. I learnt some of the best things from you- about hope, and friendship, and love. Anxiety will always be my personal Dementor, but because of you I know exactly how to cast my Patronus.

Individual members of your world had lessons for me, too. Ginny was my first feminist icon, refusing to be put down because she was a girl. As someone who enjoyed school, did well and suffered teasing for it, Hermione was my perfect heroine. Luna helped me to see that weird was not a label, but a valuable trait. From Ron, I learnt the power of friendship, and from Harry I took strength and courage. There was a lesson in every one of them.

When the Order of the Pheonix came out, it took me two seconds to fall completely in love with Nymphadora Tonks, and not very much longer to learn the section of the book in which she appears. I can't recall it word for word anymore; but I have a picture of Natalia-Tena-as-Tonks right next to my bed, and my dream magical power would still be to change my hair at will (though I do a good job of that without being magic). Tonks was partly the key to discovering my sexuality (cos let's face it, in a parallel world, we are SO married)- but, more importantly, she was the key to discovering me. And who gave me that world? You did, wizarding world.

As I got older, things got more difficult. I was just fifteen when I first started to hurt myself, out of anger and self-hatred and loneliness and sadness. By the time I was sixteen, I didn't really want to be here at all. Those are hard things to admit to, wizarding world. As I tried to save each and every person I loved, they were the Grindylows, trying to drag me back down. I don't really know where they came from either; Grindylows are complex creatures, and there's no point in wondering whether there was any cause or effect. What matters is that, with friendship, and love, and support, I managed to kick them off. I have scars from their tentacles, but I am stronger now. The Grindylows are always going to be there, in the depths of the water, and some days I can feel them tickling my feet- but I know the incantations I need to use now. If mental health is a Triwizard Tournament, then I am determined to reach the cup. You helped me with that, too; even if I didn't reach for you in those times, the words and lessons that you gave me were there. I am on the road called recovery, and I am taking a Fred and George approach of finding something to laugh about every single day. Oh, I am so indebted to you, my love. For those battling such Grindylows, I would like to take this moment to remind you that you are stronger than them; that there is always light to be found, even in the darkest of times, and that I am always around to share with you a little of what the wizarding world gave to me, if you should want it.

On a much lighter note, in there somewhere, my younger sister was born. She does not need you like I did, wizarding world, and that makes me more glad than anything else. However, even she is not immune to you. Having watched the Goblet of Fire years and years ago, she has decided she wants to be a dragon tamer (or possibly a ballerina) (or possibly both). I hope you save Charlie Weasley's job for her, because if there is anyone in the non-wizarding world who will achieve such a dream, it is my sister. She has more determination even than the characters you could offer, and she makes me proud every single day.

More recently, I have begun to see the importance in fighting. Like Harry fought Voldemort for killing his parents, I am fighting stigma and hatred, for hurting those I love- my beloved sister, my beyond-amazing parents, every single one of my family and friends. I want to see a world where there are no words we cannot name; where we can talk freely about what pains us, love freely who we want, and live freely. I want to get a tattoo of the word 'fight'. According to the dictionary, that word is to do with violence. You and I both know, wizarding world, that to fight is to live; to fight is to overcome the things that try to pull us down, whether that be Grindylows, or Dementors, or Voldemort. I will fight for love and equality; and when I place my flag down, it will be in your name.

I am Tonks, with my ever-changing hair and refusal to be called by my full name; I am Hermione, both clever and a friend; I am Ginny, fierce and loyal, and Luna, forever unique. I am a fragment of everything that ever made me, and you have more claim in that than most. I am not just Harry, but the wizarding world in it's entirety*.

I feel like I've reached a natural coda; to conclude, I want to tell you about the castle. A couple of years ago, we went to your museum- or to your experience, whatever you are calling it. For three hours, I lived the dream entirely. However, one of the best moments of my life will always be when I walked around the corner, and saw the castle. My mum, walking in front, said the look on my face was what made the entire trip worth it. For me, it was like coming home.

Yours, most faithfully, most thankfully, most entirely,

Becky

*But mostly I am Tonks, let's face it

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Letters

I haven't done one of these in a long long time...

Dear QK,

Bristol was always enough, until I met you- but now too many parts of my heart are in London, and it couldn't feel any further away. I love you, and I miss you, and I promise that I will do everything I can to make sure we can all dance and be really truly happy one day <3

Dear TL,

You save me, time & time again. I love you all, so so much, and I am beyond grateful for you.

Dear H & B,

Oh, I so wish things would sort themselves out... At the moment there seems to be no end to it

Dear CF,

I've only written to you once before- on here, anyway. Goodness. I barely know where to start now. Just to say thank you, I guess. I've been so angry, but only because I was hurt. Now I've decided that I'm not going to let myself do that. What's the point of anger? There are still parts of me that I need to patch up, but I will do that and then I will be well on my way. I'll never regret all that happened; instead I'll hold dear what I still can, and make the most of what I can't. Two lyrics spring to mind- firstly, 'tell everybody I'm on my way, and I'm loving every step I take' and 'you can try but you'll never bring me down'. I'm going to change the world for the better. Watch this space.

Dear T,

It hurts to see someone with so much ambition in such a different place... I really do wish you well, and hope you succeed

Dear K,

Well, you're kind of the reason I've ended up writing this evening... Someone with whom I have history, more than I would like now, but not as much as I once wanted. You just confuse me, and I'm not sure where in my life you slot in anymore. You make me feel like I need to prove myself...

Dear S,

I miss you. Still. I really hope you're shining, wherever you are. I hope our paths cross again sometime. My first and greatest love.

Dear R,

I'm sorry. Genuinely sorry. I will sort things out, I promise.

Dear WR,

I need to listen to you more. You were right all along, but I was determined to make things okay. Thank you, for always looking out for me.

Dear Anxiety,

Stop trying to stop me being happy. I'm going to be happy, I'm going to succeed. I'm going to change the world. There's nothing you can do about it.

Dear All,

I love you. You know that, right?

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Dear Leelah

Dear Leelah,

Can you hear me, wherever you are? Even if you can, I doubt my voice is loud enough- there are so many of us speaking to you now, Leelah. So many people loving you, and supporting you, and remembering you, and trying to ensure that you didn't die in vain. Can you feel it? It's a bit too late now, isn't it. The world can support you now, but we can no longer save you. What kind of world is it, that makes someone so young so unable to be herself that she cannot be at all? Not a world I'm happy to live in, Leelah.

Did you know that you were going to become so well-known? That your name- your name, not a name assigned to you on the basis of your genitalia- was going to surge across the world? That's what it's done. There are petitions, groups, vigils- everything. For you, and for all those who followed the same path as you- and for all those who may feel that they, too, have no option but to kill the self they have to be, in hopes that we can stop them. If we can save just one person, Leelah- I cannot say that that will make your suffering worth it, for it will not. Nothing will compensate for the hell you must have gone through. But we can stop others going through the same, and that is something. We need to work together.

Your Tumblr's been deleted, Leelah. Did you know that? It made me sad, when I found out. I guess your parents did it, not content with silencing you enough. They've been posting tributes to a boy called Josh. They're missing the point- what they've lost is a beautiful daughter called Leelah, who they were too scared to love. That's what it boils down to, darling. The fear of being different. The fear of being wrong. I wish I could have held you, Leelah, when they put you through that silent hell. I wish I could have told you that it was they who were- and are- wrong. Not you. Never you. But Leelah, they haven't won this time. They can delete your Tumblr, they can call you whatever ignorant name they want- but they're too late. Your final speech to the world- in which you, so bravely, spoke only the truth- is everywhere. It's out of their control. We are working as hard as we can to make sure that the world knows, about a girl called Leelah.

You will not die in vain. We will rally, and we will do whatever we can to change the awfulness of the situation so many are in. All the while, we will remember what we are fighting for- not ourselves, but for the voices of those who are shouted down, told they are wrong, banned from being themselves. We will fight for each and every single person who has to look at themselves, and see someone they do not recognise. We will make sure that we reach a day in the future where it is not what we are that counts, but who we are.

I love you, Leelah Alcorn. I hope you're safe and free now.

Becky x

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A Month of Conflict

Dear November,
You've been an interesting month, haven't you dear. You brought me the best night of my life, as well as some other truly great times. However, you've also been a month of trouble and illness, and I'm afraid it's all I can do not to hold that against you. I don't really want to dwell here, November. It wasn't your fault, we've just never got on, and old feuds are hard to lose. Thank you for the good times, though, November, for they were far beyond words.
My first goal was to put some exciting plans into action. I am so pleased to say that all systems are go on this front November (though I realise that nothing has been released to the blog at large). Lots and lots of work still to do, but I am hugely excited, November.
Secondly, I wanted to look at universities. This hasn't happened as of yet, due to being incredibly busy. However, I have no worries that I will do this at some stage; thinking about university has been a good thing recently.
My third goal is another where I haven't made as much progress as I could- to get back into my musicianship. My goals were to practice three or four sessions a week, and to hand a theory paper in weekly. I'm sad to say that I haven't done this, November. However, I have changed my lesson time (for the first time since I began lessons, all those years ago!), and I am more committed to my music than I have been, so I'm taking that as a success.
Penultimately, I set myself the goal of getting all my schoolwork on track. Due to the trials we've faced, this one hasn't been possible. Instead of beating myself up about this, I'm accepting that it's been a difficult month, and that I have time yet to achieve this before it really matters!
Lastly, my self-care hasn't been as good as it could have been. I know that, and I've faced the consequences of that. There's not much more to say on this front, November, aside from that I have been trying, and that I will continue to try.
That's it for 2014, November. I hope to see you next year, and that we will part then on better terms. Farewell x

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November.

Dear November,

I'm slightly late in writing to you, and I apologise for that. However, you have already been extremely busy- even now, I am fighting the want and need to go to sleep after an overwhelming day.

Anyway. Five days together, November, and you have already given me the best evening of my life. What an evening that was, November. Far, far beyond words. Since then, you have not been so great- partly because nothing could be, and partly because it is hard to come back to earth after such a high. However, I am doing my best, even in difficult situations, and that is all I can do. I know you are unlikely to be easy, November, if just because you are already set to be so busy. However, not being easy does not mean you cannot be good, and I have much to look forward to. In addition, I have the golden memory of Saturday and yesterday's new beginning to hold on to.

Onwards to some goals, November. Firstly, I would like to end this month having put some exciting plans into action- both getting things sorted, organising a lot of things and then being in a position to get the ball rolling.

My second goal is to have made further progress with looking at universities. Hopefully, this will involve looking more closely at courses and booking some open days.

Thirdly on my to do list, I want to continue with last month's goal of getting back into my musicianship. I wish to make determining my success in this easier, so am setting myself the goal of handing in a theory paper every week and managing at least three or four practice sessions per week. This may not sound like much, but it's a big jump!

Fourthly, I am going to set myself an umbrella bracket of concentrating on school work. Underneath this, my more specific goals are to revise all the content we've covered until I'm fairly confident, and to be happy with my English coursework.

Lastly, I am going to throw a self care goal in. Being busy is great, but it is also tiring, and to be the person I want I must make sure to look after myself. So, in terms of self care, I am aiming to take time for myself every day, and to do my best to get my eating and sleeping on track. In addition, I want to make a point of having 'proper' social interaction at least three times a week- making an effort to see and be with people.

So there we have it, November. Doesn't that look good?! My eyes are closing slowly and I really must sleep, so it is time to go. But here's to us November!

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Of Pumpkins and Ghouls

Dear October,
We have parted company now, you going your way and I going mine. I have much to look forward to, much to think about. For now, however, I wanted to take the time to write to you, to recognise the work we have done.
At the beginning of the month I set myself- the two of us, really- five goals to complete. I'll begin my reflections on our time together by looking at these, to see how I am doing with them.
Number one was to have sorted out my driving lessons. I am in the same place as I was when I last checked in on this, that I need to send off both a letter and an email. I will try to do that as soon as possible, so that though we did not complete this together, it won't be far off.
Secondly, I resolved to spend more time with the world's greatest dragon, my adorable little sister. Having spent three days away without social media, just focusing on her, I feel that this is one I've achieved. I want to continue with this, October, to ensure that she always knows that I have time for her and care about her, no matter what.
Thirdly? I wanted to get back into the habit of piano practice. This has not happened as it should have, October, and now we are here I am wishing I had made more of an effort. However, it is too late now. All I can do is strive to complete this goal in the future.
Moving on, the fourth goal was to start planning for 2015. I've been doing this both subconsciously and proactively. There's work yet to be done, but I should have an exciting announcement and details around this in the near future.
Lastly, to enter into the world of work. Without wanting to jinx things or preempt anything, this is a possible, and I have quite definitely completed my goal of at least getting the ball rolling on this one. Keep your fingers crossed for me, won't you, October?
Overall, I feel that we have made progress. There is a great amount of work yet to be done in each of these areas and more, but we are getting there, October. I am on my way, and I am grateful for our time and work. You have not always been an easy month to deal with; there have been some real challenges. However, as ever I cannot complain, for there were some beautifully sweet times too. In addition, memories mean that you will always be a month of unease I'm afraid, and I feel that I have done well in surviving our friendship, littered as it is with potential bad tastes.
Thank you, October. I hope to see you well next year. Until then, goodbye x

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Mid-October Reflections

Hey there October,

I had planned to get an early night; however, I've ended up staying late, working on the goals I have set us. Therefore, it seemed to be a perfect conclusion to the evening to write to you, letting you know how things are going.

The first goal is to have sorted out my driving lessons. Due to being so busy, this has been harder than it should have been. However, I am finally on my way- I need to send off both a letter and an email, and wait for the results. Driving lessons won't be something I've started by the end of our time together, but so long as I get things in action they will hopefully begin in the not too distant future.

Our second goal, if you remember, revolves around my ray of sunshine- my little sister. We have conflicting timetables, and it often feels like I am only home when she isn't, and vice versa. However, this week it should be easier, with us both being on half term. Next week we are also going away, and I am hugely looking forward to some quality time with her then.

Thirdly, I had aims to get back into the habit of practising the piano. As I said at the time, it is hard to practise a piano residing at home when I am so rarely home. Again, half term should make this one easier. I have also changed my piano lesson time and day, which should also make practise easier. Lastly in regards to this one, I am determined to finish as many theory papers as I can get my hands on before my next lesson!

Onwards to point number four, some planning for 2015. I've been doing quite well with this- I've made the most important decision, and I've started to sit down and look at a calendar, something I've been doing this evening. There's a way yet to go, but I have time, and I think this aim is accomplishable.

Lastly, in September I started thinking seriously about entering the world of work. I decided that when we part, October, I want to have 'gotten the ball rolling'. This is the one I've been focusing on this evening- I've sent contact details to one company, and spent a considerable time working on my CV. I'm currently getting feedback on a first draft, and will then re-draft somewhat. Hopefully, come Monday, I will have a CV I can send off to apply for other jobs. That would be a very big, positive step in the right direction.

To finish, I want to make some general comments about our time together, October. You haven't been an easy ride, and you know that, I'm sure. However, I do not regret anything that has happened, both with you and in previous encounters with other months. The future is uncertain, and may well be rough, but I am sure in the decisions I am making. I am happy, October.
I must admit that, over the past few days, I've spent a lot of time in thought of our previous times together. There's been a lot of nostalgia there. At times I've wanted to fly away, to the past and to the future and to somewhere entirely different. I'm trying to take that in a positive way.
In addition, I can hardly say you've been bad. We shared the World Mental Health Day event, and that was a true highlight of my life. Recently we have encountered dark nights and bright lights- one of my utmost favourite combinations. There has been plenty of beauty, and hope, and love.
It's been good so far, October, and I truly will be sorry to leave you. I'm glad that we have another week together; especially glad as I have so much to look forward to this week. Let's make it rock October x

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October Goals

I am sat at the bus stop as I write this, though doubtless it won't get posted for a while. In five minutes the bus will arrive, and life will go on. For now, there is a lull: a perfect time to gather some thoughts on October.

There are leaves in front of me, mostly crushed into the pavement beneath, but still beautiful. The weather can't quite make it's mind up, and I have spent the day taking my jacket off, then putting it on again. Even now, I can feel a breeze, yet I am still quite warm. Beneath the smell of exhaust fumes I can detect autumn in the air; totally indescribable, but a scent wholly unique to this time of year.

October. You are a month of nights drawing in and life getting ever more busy. You have a lot to remember this year; the last time we were together the month was lit up by fancy dress and wonderful music. Times have changed, October, and our time together will be nothing like the last. I like to believe it will be better.

So, as with September, where would I like to be by the time we have parted company? Well...

1- Firstly, I would like to have sorted out my driving lessons. This will require some work just to get started; after that they will be a mixture of terrifying and exciting, I feel. Something to look forward to.

2- My second goal revolves entirely around my sister- the centre of my universe. I feel like I've barely seen her recently, and I'm missing out. This month, I am making it a priority to put aside time just for her every single week.

3- Another, lesser important, thing that has been pushed to one side of late is my piano practice and theory. As I often say, it is extremely hard to practise a piano that resides in your home when you're rarely at home. Nevertheless, I would really like to get back into the habit of practising- and I'm sure my teacher would appreciate this one too.

4- A look to the future with this one, October. 2015 has the potential to be very exciting in all sorts of ways- but I need to sit down and sort out what is happening and when. Getting a calendar together and making some important decisions is goal number four.

5- Lastly, a continuation of the work September and I did together. By the end of this month, I want to have made a considerable effort towards getting work, whether that be having a complete CV, having advertised a potential venture or having reached the stage of actually having a job. It doesn't matter how far I get, I just need to get the ball rolling, so to speak.

There we go, October: doesn't that look good! I'm excited already, actually, especially when I realise all the other goals I have to complete this month. October, the main thing this month will be remaining on an even keel- but I have faith that even that will be possible. Onwards :)

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(Wake Me Up) When September Ends

Dear September,

We've parted ways now. It seems like one moment you were just arriving; the next you had gone. It was nice to catch up, though. With the advent of the new school year and the beginning of autumn, you are all but synonymous with change, and at times that can make you a hard contact to have. That was no different this year, and we had our rocky moments. However, you left happily, quietly, and I am almost sad to see you go.

When I set my five goals, I wasn't sure what I was really setting myself up for. The last time we met, they would have been near impossible. Though I cannot say I return victorious in all, I can say that I have tried, and that is plenty.

My first goal was to extend my writing outside of this blog, through guest blogging. This month, I was published on PBG, as expected. I was also published on Paragraph Planet; it's not a guest blog, but it is a chance to have my writing out there, so to speak. Aside from that? I have plans for a guest blog very soon, another at some point, and I contributed to a PBG collaboration. All is well with my first goal.

My second goal is another in which I have wholly succeeded. My aim was to survive the initial 'assessment period' in my two new subject. It is the first of October now, and I am still a student in Law and Sociology. Victory.

Time played it's part against my third goal, which was to get a move on with applying for swim teaching jobs. I haven't had a chance to get my CV together yet. However, it has been at the front of my mind, and I have begun making steps to achieve this. It's not a goal I will drop, merely one in progress.

The fourth goal I placed in you, September, was to sort out my month bus pass, something that required a series of steps. Well, I now have an NUS card, and I should have both student bus pass and month bus pass by the end of this week. I am happy with that.

Lastly, but by no means least in importance, I wanted to get a difficult conversation over and done with. I might not have completed this one well, but I have completed it, so I can take comfort in the fact that at least it's done, if nothing else.

So you see, September? We have got along very nicely indeed, and I thank you for the pleasure of your company. It is time to move on now, away from the chatter of summer catch-ups and the smell of fresh pencils. Just around the corner I can see candles in pumpkins, and dark, beautiful nights. What a beautiful transition.

It's been a pleasure, September. Until we meet again x

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September

Dear September,
I'm well aware that I'm late in writing to you. We're six days together now, after all. However, belated is always better than never, and it just so happens that I want to talk.
I will begin with an ode to the past. August was, quite simply, beyond words. It was full of amazing people, fantastic happenings... I'm quite sorry to have left it. At the same time, however, I'm excited. I believe, like Augustus Waters, that I'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up. If that's what August brought, then I'm excited to see what you, September, will offer.
Currently, my diary looks strangely empty. I have quite a bit planned for next week, but after that it goes blank. However, I know from experience that this happens, and that come this time next week the following week will be pretty full, and so on and so forth. I am not really worried about having nothing to fill my time with. What I am more worried about is getting nowhere. Although I do a lot, I often forget to sit down, to look at where I've come from and where I'm going. It's far too easy to get caught up, and to leave no time to evaluate. This is the main reason I'm writing to you, September. I want to set some goals, to decide where I want to be by the time we part.
To do this, I'm utilising the 'SMART' framework. Each of my goals is going to be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound. This should make it easier to look back at the end of the month, and to decide whether I've completed my goals or not. Here goes, September!:

 1- By the end of this month, I want to have increased my 'Branching Out' page to have five posts. One of these will come from PBG; the other two will require looking for other blogs that accept guest posts. This is important (and relevant) because it will increase my experience as a blogger, and will mean that my blogging presence expands slightly. I really want to make this blog into more of something, and guest blogging is one way to do that.
2- Come the beginning of October, I want to have survived the initial 'assessment period' of A levels. The first few weeks are used to decide whether all students are competent to take the course- if not, then transfers and dropping becomes relevant. I'm not seeing this as an option, and I'm determined to take all four of my subjects onwards. This is important for my future studies as it affects what I do for the rest of this year, and, ultimately, how many A levels I end up with.
3- Having literally just received my Level Two swimming certificate, I can now plan using this! I've found a website that will allow me to look for swim teaching jobs quite easily. However, this does require some work on my part as I'll need to have my CV up to date. Therefore, by the end of this month I want to have a working account on this website. I also want to have specifically applied for two jobs, though they needn't necessarily be swimming related. This will mean that I am on track to getting a job, which will hopefully eventually give me more independence, mean that I have a small bit of income and be my entry into the world of work.
4- As I'm catching the bus A LOT at the moment, I really need to sort out getting a monthly bus pass. This will be cheaper if I have a student bus pass, which requires a student card. Therefore, by the beginning of October, I am going to have definitely applied for my student card and, if that's come through, then also have applied for my student bus pass. It would be amazing if I could also get my monthly bus pass by then, but that's really dependent on how long things take to come through really. This will save money, and make my parents that little bit happier.
5- Sometime this month I'm going to have to have a bit of a difficult conversation with someone. I both want to have this conversation, and really don't want to have this conversation. Therefore, I'm putting it as one of my goals, so that I can be proud of myself for getting it done, even if I don't feel great about the rest of it. This is important for lots of reasons that I'm not going to go into, and it will be a weight off of my shoulders when it's done!

So there you go September. Be nice to me, won't you? x

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Letters

Dear 'Fate',
Didn't I always say that this would happen?

Dear Scoob,
I love you, little one x

Dear M,
I am SO CONFUSED. Of COURSE feminists can kiss...

Dear B,
I wish I could contact you, but who knows. I hope I do one day.

Dear TM,
You'll be okay, you can do better x

Dear Lucky Cats,
Can't believe that our little group won't all be around this year. It's going to be so so weird, and I really don't want it to happen. We better stay in contact, because I need you.

Dear G,
I've just realised that I can't use the letters I used to use for you. They've got far better connotations now. I'm trying to be grown up about this, but it's hard. So hard. I don't really know how I feel. Angry, mostly. You've hurt me so subtly and I've tried to make the most of it- now you're throwing even more into question.

Dear Life,
I'm happy. Not just happy. The happiest I've ever been, a happy I didn't know was possible.

Dear #ZuluCrew,
The past three and a bit weeks have been so so good, and I really don't want this to end!! Here's to the sleep-out, and to staying in contact!

Dear SG,
I wasn't sure whether to put a note here or not- but I wanted to, so here you go. Now I'm not sure what to say. Very fab, much fab ^.^

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12th July: Something I'd Like To Say To Someone

Ooh. This one's hard. There are lots of things I'd like to say to lots of people, and that's kind of why I do the letters thing! Hmm... Okay, so yesterday I met my baby cousin for the first time. She's a month old, and utterly perfect. So to her- I love you, and welcome to the family (and also to the world!). Though I'm unlikely to see you much, please know that I am always here, and I hope life is kind to you little one x

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Post-Birthday Post

Dear P,

This year I have gone through a full cycle of emotions towards you. I have felt angry to the point of not wanting to even talk to you; then complacent, where I would talk to you but uneasily. Eventually, I realised that my only choice was to forgive you, and to accept that maybe you were trying your best. Though I won't make the same mistakes again, I'm glad that I have got over how I used to feel. I feel pleased when I make you proud, and that's good enough for me.

Dear C,

Oh, there's so much I could say here! Though things have changed greatly, I'm always going to owe you more than I can ever, ever repay. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Dear HH,
Yeah, you were a brief thing, kinda, and yeah I still notice you. Ah well.

Dear BB,

One of the greatest people I know, and could ever hope to know. I love you so so much, and I want the best for you, because that is completely and totally what you deserve.

Dear WombBuds,

Meeting you this year was the best. We've become so close so quickly, and I'm really pleased that we've stayed in contact and kept close. I love my Sunday froyo with you, and our explorations of Bristol are fab. Looking forward to more Kinder Eggs, more bubble tea, more Piaget, more mahogany and more froyo. Wombies rule!

Dear TM,

Dt.

Dear Sixth Form,
I actually really agree with the people who say that I was 'born for sixth form'. I feel like I have become my own person this year, and this makes me happy!!

Dear *

Over this year I've gone from being sure that there would never be anyone else like you to knowing that though there won't be, that isn't a bad thing. You were  a huge part of my life, and that was and will be important to me. However, I have moved on, and I'm happy about that. You may have been my star, but I'm aiming for the sun and the moon.

Dear Mental Health,

We've been on a roller coaster ride this year, from the very lows to the very highs. Though I'll never be able to say for sure that I'm 100% recovered, I truly believe that I am on my way, and I like to think that I'm a stronger person for what I've experienced, no matter how impossible it felt at the time.

Dear B,

I haven't written to you in a while because you're no longer here. However, that doesn't mean you haven't been in my thoughts. I've missed you, and hope to be in contact with you again one day.

Dear Room,
It's been a big year, hasn't it?! There's more work to do, but you are so my favourite place :3 I've made you exactly the way I want, and that makes me happy- even happier that I've done almost all of the work! My escape, my safe haven :)

Dear SS,
You're a far more recent entry into my life. I believe that we meet people for a reason; I'm still trying to figure out what your reason is. Until then, you're lovely.

Dear H&M,
I'm not going to lie, I am still really angry with you. You made things worse at a time when that was the last thing I needed, and you threatened to hurt the people I spend my life protecting. It's really not what should have happened, and I hope that no-one ever has to experience what I experienced.

Dear R,
You never fail to make me smile, or to make me proud. I know I annoy you and call you small, but you'll never be small- there's far too much spirit in you. You complete me princess, and I am lucky to be able to call myself your sister. You'll go far, and I'll be with you every step of the way <3 xox

Dear T,
Thank you so much for your support over the last year, it really has been invaluable! I hope all is well with you, and wish you the best of luck.

Dear Future,
You are really really scary, but also exciting. I am taking each day as it comes, and that's the best way to be, I think. I'll get to things when I get to them, there's no need to hurry.

Dear Lucky Cats,
Goodness, where do I begin?! Possibly with a very high D, played at 24 f's on a clarinet (remember to go up three semis), tongued lightly and with the lyric 'cat'. You rock guys- you are fabulously amazingly fantastic, and getting closer to you all has been one of the best parts of my year (and also my life!). I love you beyond infinity- so many memories, and here's to more!!

Dear G,
We used to be so close, and it makes me sad that that's changed so much. It's made me angry and sad at times, and I wish I could make things right, but I guess that things change, and at least I had the memories. I'll always love you, and I'll always be here for you.

Dear all of H,
Thank you, for being lovely and for smiling. Though nothing to you, it's actually been really helpful and important to me.

Dear Self-Harm,
We've grown more distant over this year, and that's nothing but good. Sure, we've still had encounters, and I think you're always going to be that thought at the back of my mind, but I don't want to fall into you again. My arms are for bracelets and for henna, not for scars. Anyway, I've got better support than you now.

Dear M&D,
This year you have gone beyond all comprehension in terms of how much support and love you have given me. I know I am messy and forgetful and lazy and grumpy and I spend too much time on my phone/the laptop, but I am still eternally eternally overwhelmingly thankful for everything!!

Dear E,
I only knew you for a while, and we parted on bad terms, but you were very important. I would like to meet you again, to tell you that I am better, and to assure you that part of this is down to you. Thank you x

Dear WR,
You've been such a support over the past however many months, and you're another person who I'll never be able to thank- even by just putting up with me you're amazing! I know you sometimes stress out if I'm upset, but I'm going to get upset regardless, it's better that I 'let it out'. In addition, if you weren't helping, I wouldn't come straight to you when I need to. You're fab!

Dear Self,
It's been a tough year. However, it's not been a bad year- after all, so many amazing things have happened! I've got through it, and I truly do believe that I am a better person for it. Finally, I am beginning to feel like this is where I belong, and that this is where I'm meant to be. Being 16 has been eventful, and I can't wait to see what the future brings.

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Late Night (Early Morning?!)

Dear P,

I forgive you. It's hard, but the alternative- of holding on, of keeping this grudge- is harder. Recently I've come to understand more fully that we do what we think is best. There is no way of pleasing everyone, and there is no magic wand- so we must simply do as we see fit. That's what you did, and even if that threatened to destroy me at the time, I can see more clearly now. I forgive you.

Dear SS,

So many questions. Seriously. What even is going on here?

Dear Music Gang,

You never fail to make my day, and I have missed you so much! Can't wait to see you all again, and looking forward to all the things we have planned :)

Dear Sofa Gang,

*gulp*

Dear Stage 4,

Today, you did as I asked (mostly!), you gave it 110% and you improved. You all smiled and laughed and gave me high-gives. You asked me questions about my hair, and told me stories about what's going on in your lives. In short, you made me feel so very blessed, and that's the only word I can use to describe it. You rock!

Dear TM,

D t <3

Dear C,

One day, I'm not going to care. I may not be there yet, but I'm on my way, and I think we can both be proud when I get there.

Dear BL,

There is no right or wrong. There is just life- we do as we see fit. My hope is that you will understand that.

Dear R,

I love you so much, my small (!) monkey <3 You constantly make me smile, and I feel proud to be your sister. Please never forget any of those things.

Dear Ceiling,

So so tired. So so worth it.

Dear Mental Health,

Another problem with having faced mental health difficulties. When you're up at 1am redecorating your ceiling, your parents refuse to believe that you're okay. Hell, I'm better than okay. I am absolutely fab. I'm just also on a mission.

Dear Life,

I think I've grown 'wiser' recently. It's been a bit if a necessity really. And that's cool. I think- hope!- I'm better for it.

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Letters

Dear WR,

I don't know what I want. Please don't give up on me. Please let me work this out, and be there.

Dear Team Lucky Cat,

So excited. So so excited.

Dear A Level Music,

I get to be someone else when I'm with you, someone who reminds me far more of myself. The closer we've got the happier and more confident I've been, and this is the bestest. I am a soppy git, but I love you all, and we are GOING to get through exam period, somehow, no matter what.

Dear About A Boy,

Aww you are perfect <3

Dear Revision/Exams,

And you my dear can get lost.

Dear SS,

Well this is a first. You actually kind of annoy me, and this is a good thing, somehow. What even.

Dear TM,

Once again, so little I can say, but I can't not say anything. So yeah.

Dear Gambia2015,

So excited. So happy. Bring it on.

Dear Counselling,

Sad face :( I want this to work, I want this to work, I want this to work.

Dear Everyone Who's Struggling Right Now,

It's going to get better. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I know it is. You need to be around to see it, because you deserve nothing but the sunshine. I love you, and I am here.

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Letters

Dear A Level Music,

C'mon guys! We CAN do this <3 Though Thursday is terrifying, I'm looking forward to us being altogether :)

Dear A,
I can't remember why I used this initial for you, and I know I've used others. That's by the by. What I want to say, once again, is thank you, thank you, thank you. Good luck for the future!

Dear WR,
Another term gone, and this one's actually gone pretty well. Thank you for your continued support, and for putting up with me! Here's to better days.

Dear TM,
It feels wrong not to include you, even when there's little I can say. So loha x

Dear HH,
Foreshadowing, eh?! Anyway. Yeah. You.

Dear C,
One day, I'm going to make you proud. I promise.

Dear NC,
Another reminder that people are disappointing- and yet, I refuse to let you be the reason I stop believing.

Dear Rick Astley,
There are many people in my life who are not your greatest fans right now. Soz. (#rickrollingforlife)

Dear Friends,
You are fabulous, and I love you all to pieces <3

Dear WombBuds,
Bring on Cardiff!!

Dear The Search For Uni,
Terrifying. Utterly terrifying. Kind of exciting. But mostly terrifying.

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Letters

Dear IG,
I miss you, and I miss us. I miss being able to stand between two of the most amazing people in the world and know that they were in my life, and that maybe I actually meant something to them. I just want things to go back to how they were, once upon a time.

Dear WR,
Please help me. Please please please.

Dear AS Music,
You guys :3 I love you to pieces, and Music lessons are so easily the highlight of my week <3

Dear TM,
I'm really not quite sure what to say here. I guess I'll just leave it as this- you make me feel like the luckiest person ever, and I'm still not sure what I did to deserve this.

Dear A,
I've been trying to find the initial I used for you last (I've written you something before, surely?!) but alas I couldn't- so take this one. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you a million times over, not just for your support, but for your continuation of that- I always know I can count on you, and that means so much to me, as well you know.

Dear C,
I miss you.

Dear AIK,
Basically proven why I don't do what I did, and made it even harder for me now. Cheers.

Dear Life,
Things were going so well, why did everything get so impossible again? I was doing so damn well.

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Letters

Dear *

Even though you're technically back in my life, you're also not. I barely even noticed you the other night. I'm glad for the past, because I think I learnt a lot- however, now feels so much better than any of that could, and that fact in itself is fantastic. I'm always going to think of you fondly, but I have moved on now, to things I could previously never have imagined. I'm happy, Star, or at least I'm getting there. I hope you are, too.

Dear C,

I miss being able to talk as I once could; however, I know that that, too, is in the past. Maybe it's for the better.

Dear Life,

I so want to reach out and grab you, and trust me, I'm going to. I want to recover more than ever, because I am determined never to go back to where I once was. I want to live. I don't want to just survive.

Dear AtB,

Sending that application, and going even when I felt completely overwhelmed, was one of the best choices I have ever made! I had an amazing 7 weeks, and I met two amazing people (#wombbuddyshoutout!). So yay :)

Dear 'Friendly Tweeters',

You spent an evening 'discussing' me- at the time, I felt angry. Now? Now it's just kind of funny. If you're pathetic enough to need to get your kicks that way, then evidently you need to re-evaluate. Also, since when was I quiet?!

Dear WR,

Please please please help me; I'm trying, I honestly am.

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Postbox

Dear HH,

I swore to myself that I'd never do this again, but it seems like I had no choice. It just happened- I was powerless, but I had no inclination to prevent it. Now I'm back to living in a world that I can't enter, and though part of me is trying to stop this, I know I'm not going to. You are beautiful.

Dear IG and BB,

Thank you for one of the best nights ever <3

Dear LM,

Oh my gosh you were absolutely amaaaaazing and aaaaah!!!

Dear BR,

Woo you were also stupendous and I got your autograph and picture and this makes me happy!

Dear P,

Thank you so so much for what you said. It's something to hold onto.

Dear CC,

Here goes nothing, yet I hope it goes well.

Dear S,

Though I've not stopped noticing you, I've stopped seeking you out, and this feels positive.

Dear M,

Okay so I'm being challenging, but you're hardly helping. I just want this to help me and I don't know how to make it do that.

Dear M and D,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Dear M/M,

For goodness sake leave me alone :( I never asked for any of this; I'm slowly losing who I am :(

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A Twist, Called Star.

Dear *

I have tried writing this letter many times, and not yet got very far with it. I've realised now that I can't put how this feels into words. As someone wise once said, 'my thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations'. The irony is that I wrote a letter like this before. The difference then was that I didn't know you we're definitely gone. Now I do.

The other difference is slightly more important. This time, I am ready to move on. I know that. I could even say that I have moved on. However, I want to finish this letter, knowing that this is the end of another chapter in my life. An important chapter- but there's another one waiting to be told. I want to get to that chapter, Star. I love you, and believe I always will, in some way. But not like I did, once upon a time.

Having struggled with writing this already, I want to write a list: a collection of things, memories, emotions, thoughts, moments. Something I'll always have; something to bring closure. Here goes.

- When we first met, I loved you instantly, from the moment you walked past me.

- You are not typically beautiful. However, you are still one of the most beautiful people I know.

- I knew this moment was going to come, from the moment I fell. I knew there would be this sense of an undefined ending, and I knew I would always want more.

- You are extraordinary.

- You have the ability to do so well, to go so far in life. Nothing would make me happier than to know you're doing amazingly.

- I can still remember how it felt to be hugged by you, and to hug you back.

- I thought at the beginning that forever would never be long enough to spend with you. Though I still feel like that in some ways, I am mainly too busy being grateful for what I had.

- You inspired me, and I think that's a beautiful thing to be able to say about someone.

- Whenever I see any quotes relating to people never leaving us, or teaching us things, or leaving footprints, I think of you. I learnt a lot in the past two and a bit years. I hope they are lessons I will remember.

- I know I don't mean the same to you as you mean to me. I am fine with that. Honest.

- This hasn't hurt anywhere near as much as I thought it would. In a way it's been a relief. It was still painful, but I was ready.

- Once, you asked about the 'rash' on my arms. I don't think you believed my answer, but the hug you have me was like healing.

- Your smile is magical.

- I am so so grateful for having known you, and nothing can ever take that away. We shared moments, memories. They may be over, but they're not gone.

There's so much else I could say, Star, but I want to leave it there. I need to get on with life, with the next chapter.

Thank you, a million times over, for being a beautiful part of my life. I wish you all the best for the future, and I hope that maybe one day we'll meet again. Not yet, but one day.

I hope that in my letter I somehow held some of the beauty these last two years, and my experiences with you, have held. I love you, Star, but in a different way. I'm ready to turn over the page, and I'm excited to see what life throws at me.

Here's to you Star, and here's to me.

xox

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