Easter Sunday

It's Easter Sunday, and I am sat in my favourite place. It's deserted aside from me, and the weather is gorgeous- warm and sunny, but with a bit of a breeze. It's the perfect Spring day, and I am in the perfect Spring mood.

Last year I hated Easter. I dislike celebrating things blindly, and that's what I was doing. Easter had nothing in it for me- but I still had to pretend like it did. This year is different. I'm not an Easter fanatic, I would still somewhat rather it wasn't happening, bur there has been some reconciliation too. 

My faith has changed a little over the last year. Not completely, and I still don't feel comfortable talking about it, but there has been some shift, I think, and that's helped how I feel today.

However, the biggest 'factor' is that I have found something to link Easter to. Christmas, for me, is about love, hope, gratitude... Well, right now I am searching for a new beginning. I want chicks and rabbits, because I want to find yet more evidence of lift going on. I want to start again, to start afresh, not the person I was, but with her still firmly at my core. That's what Easter is, to me, today. It's about forgiveness, second chances and being able to begin again.

Happy Easter :)

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Christmas Thoughts

I am writing this sat in one of my favourite places- a hill, near enough where I live to walk to, from which you get a good view of the city. Or at least, the city lights. I decided that, no matter what, I wanted to spend some time here this Christmas Eve- partly as it's a good place to reflect and gather my thoughts, and partly just to revel in the sheer beauty.

Whilst I'm here, I want to write my Christmas post. In previous years, this has been written quite late at night, if not very early on Christmas morning. But now I am here, and it is the perfect time to reflect.

It's Christmas. One of my absolute favourite times of the year. Why? Because it's full of love, and goodwill, and humanity. In short, because it's beautiful. At Christmas, people come together in ways they don't at any other time. People are more charitable, and think more of others. The air feels a little more full of love and happiness.

However, to talk just about the good would be to forget that there is a less pretty side. In many countries, there are wars going on, with thousands of needless deaths. There are people living in poverty, both in our country and further away. There are people with physical or mental health difficulties that make enjoying this season both difficult, and downright impossible. This is not an exhaustive list, and to dismiss any of these people would be to dismiss the idea of Christmas. I am thinking of you.

I want to use this post to talk, just like in previous years, about Christmas 1914: when the soldiers laid down their weapons, and celebrated together, no more English and German than human and human. To me, this is what Christmas is: a time not to take sides, but to remember that we are all equal, all human, all worthy. I wish this feeling could last for longer than Christmas- but to have it once a year is far better than nothing.

Part of me wants to write more, to go on and on about the beauty of this time, to try and inspire others. However, I'm not sure there's much more I can say, and from where I'm sat it feels like I have the whole world to gaze upon. So I will do that instead, revelling in this beautiful beautiful moment, the lights clear in the crisp dark air. A chance to catch my breath.

To everyone, I wish the happiest Christmas possible. More than presents, I am sending you hope, goodwill, and- most of all- love.

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Stuck.

At the moment, most of the people in my year are finishing their personal statements, applying to universities and eagerly awaiting their offers. It seems like a day doesn't go by without someone mentioning 'UCAS' or 'application' or 'offer' or 'university'. It's an exciting process, working out what you're doing to be doing for the next three years. On top of that, Facebook is full of friends already at uni, posting pictures of their new friends and the events they've been to, talking eagerly about their new lives. Everyone seems to be moving somewhere at the moment. Maybe that's why I feel so stuck and caged in.
It's not that I'm regretting my decision to stay at sixth form for another year. Given the circumstances, I still feel that I made the right choice, and that it'll pay off at the end. It's just really really difficult to think that, in a years time, everyone else will have moved on, and I'll still be here. Still going to the same school I've been attending for the past six years (seven by then), living in the same area, doing the same things. I really do love my life, bu I want to stretch my wings. I want to start afresh, somewhere where no-one knows who I am. I want to find a city and make it mine, all mine, with no-one else able to take that from me. I want to make my own memories, with different people and different places, my head full of new sights and sounds. I want to grow up, and to fully become my own person.
All of this just makes me feel even more volatile and unpredictable than usual. I'm always in need of making changes- that's part of the reason I dye my hair so much, and has been the reason for several of my piercings. But right now all the body modification in the world couldn't make the world move in the way I want it to. I want to run away and join the circus, or learn how to fly a hot air balloon and make it all the way to America. Obviously, neither of those are possible, but I'm still racking my brains for something I can do, some change I can make to make this stillness more bearable. Throwing myself into Christmas is my plan for now, I guess. Focusing on my schoolwork, too, so that when the time comes I'll be able to go wherever I want.
Sigh.

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A Month of Conflict

Dear November,
You've been an interesting month, haven't you dear. You brought me the best night of my life, as well as some other truly great times. However, you've also been a month of trouble and illness, and I'm afraid it's all I can do not to hold that against you. I don't really want to dwell here, November. It wasn't your fault, we've just never got on, and old feuds are hard to lose. Thank you for the good times, though, November, for they were far beyond words.
My first goal was to put some exciting plans into action. I am so pleased to say that all systems are go on this front November (though I realise that nothing has been released to the blog at large). Lots and lots of work still to do, but I am hugely excited, November.
Secondly, I wanted to look at universities. This hasn't happened as of yet, due to being incredibly busy. However, I have no worries that I will do this at some stage; thinking about university has been a good thing recently.
My third goal is another where I haven't made as much progress as I could- to get back into my musicianship. My goals were to practice three or four sessions a week, and to hand a theory paper in weekly. I'm sad to say that I haven't done this, November. However, I have changed my lesson time (for the first time since I began lessons, all those years ago!), and I am more committed to my music than I have been, so I'm taking that as a success.
Penultimately, I set myself the goal of getting all my schoolwork on track. Due to the trials we've faced, this one hasn't been possible. Instead of beating myself up about this, I'm accepting that it's been a difficult month, and that I have time yet to achieve this before it really matters!
Lastly, my self-care hasn't been as good as it could have been. I know that, and I've faced the consequences of that. There's not much more to say on this front, November, aside from that I have been trying, and that I will continue to try.
That's it for 2014, November. I hope to see you next year, and that we will part then on better terms. Farewell x

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November.

Dear November,

I'm slightly late in writing to you, and I apologise for that. However, you have already been extremely busy- even now, I am fighting the want and need to go to sleep after an overwhelming day.

Anyway. Five days together, November, and you have already given me the best evening of my life. What an evening that was, November. Far, far beyond words. Since then, you have not been so great- partly because nothing could be, and partly because it is hard to come back to earth after such a high. However, I am doing my best, even in difficult situations, and that is all I can do. I know you are unlikely to be easy, November, if just because you are already set to be so busy. However, not being easy does not mean you cannot be good, and I have much to look forward to. In addition, I have the golden memory of Saturday and yesterday's new beginning to hold on to.

Onwards to some goals, November. Firstly, I would like to end this month having put some exciting plans into action- both getting things sorted, organising a lot of things and then being in a position to get the ball rolling.

My second goal is to have made further progress with looking at universities. Hopefully, this will involve looking more closely at courses and booking some open days.

Thirdly on my to do list, I want to continue with last month's goal of getting back into my musicianship. I wish to make determining my success in this easier, so am setting myself the goal of handing in a theory paper every week and managing at least three or four practice sessions per week. This may not sound like much, but it's a big jump!

Fourthly, I am going to set myself an umbrella bracket of concentrating on school work. Underneath this, my more specific goals are to revise all the content we've covered until I'm fairly confident, and to be happy with my English coursework.

Lastly, I am going to throw a self care goal in. Being busy is great, but it is also tiring, and to be the person I want I must make sure to look after myself. So, in terms of self care, I am aiming to take time for myself every day, and to do my best to get my eating and sleeping on track. In addition, I want to make a point of having 'proper' social interaction at least three times a week- making an effort to see and be with people.

So there we have it, November. Doesn't that look good?! My eyes are closing slowly and I really must sleep, so it is time to go. But here's to us November!

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Of Pumpkins and Ghouls

Dear October,
We have parted company now, you going your way and I going mine. I have much to look forward to, much to think about. For now, however, I wanted to take the time to write to you, to recognise the work we have done.
At the beginning of the month I set myself- the two of us, really- five goals to complete. I'll begin my reflections on our time together by looking at these, to see how I am doing with them.
Number one was to have sorted out my driving lessons. I am in the same place as I was when I last checked in on this, that I need to send off both a letter and an email. I will try to do that as soon as possible, so that though we did not complete this together, it won't be far off.
Secondly, I resolved to spend more time with the world's greatest dragon, my adorable little sister. Having spent three days away without social media, just focusing on her, I feel that this is one I've achieved. I want to continue with this, October, to ensure that she always knows that I have time for her and care about her, no matter what.
Thirdly? I wanted to get back into the habit of piano practice. This has not happened as it should have, October, and now we are here I am wishing I had made more of an effort. However, it is too late now. All I can do is strive to complete this goal in the future.
Moving on, the fourth goal was to start planning for 2015. I've been doing this both subconsciously and proactively. There's work yet to be done, but I should have an exciting announcement and details around this in the near future.
Lastly, to enter into the world of work. Without wanting to jinx things or preempt anything, this is a possible, and I have quite definitely completed my goal of at least getting the ball rolling on this one. Keep your fingers crossed for me, won't you, October?
Overall, I feel that we have made progress. There is a great amount of work yet to be done in each of these areas and more, but we are getting there, October. I am on my way, and I am grateful for our time and work. You have not always been an easy month to deal with; there have been some real challenges. However, as ever I cannot complain, for there were some beautifully sweet times too. In addition, memories mean that you will always be a month of unease I'm afraid, and I feel that I have done well in surviving our friendship, littered as it is with potential bad tastes.
Thank you, October. I hope to see you well next year. Until then, goodbye x

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Mid-October Reflections

Hey there October,

I had planned to get an early night; however, I've ended up staying late, working on the goals I have set us. Therefore, it seemed to be a perfect conclusion to the evening to write to you, letting you know how things are going.

The first goal is to have sorted out my driving lessons. Due to being so busy, this has been harder than it should have been. However, I am finally on my way- I need to send off both a letter and an email, and wait for the results. Driving lessons won't be something I've started by the end of our time together, but so long as I get things in action they will hopefully begin in the not too distant future.

Our second goal, if you remember, revolves around my ray of sunshine- my little sister. We have conflicting timetables, and it often feels like I am only home when she isn't, and vice versa. However, this week it should be easier, with us both being on half term. Next week we are also going away, and I am hugely looking forward to some quality time with her then.

Thirdly, I had aims to get back into the habit of practising the piano. As I said at the time, it is hard to practise a piano residing at home when I am so rarely home. Again, half term should make this one easier. I have also changed my piano lesson time and day, which should also make practise easier. Lastly in regards to this one, I am determined to finish as many theory papers as I can get my hands on before my next lesson!

Onwards to point number four, some planning for 2015. I've been doing quite well with this- I've made the most important decision, and I've started to sit down and look at a calendar, something I've been doing this evening. There's a way yet to go, but I have time, and I think this aim is accomplishable.

Lastly, in September I started thinking seriously about entering the world of work. I decided that when we part, October, I want to have 'gotten the ball rolling'. This is the one I've been focusing on this evening- I've sent contact details to one company, and spent a considerable time working on my CV. I'm currently getting feedback on a first draft, and will then re-draft somewhat. Hopefully, come Monday, I will have a CV I can send off to apply for other jobs. That would be a very big, positive step in the right direction.

To finish, I want to make some general comments about our time together, October. You haven't been an easy ride, and you know that, I'm sure. However, I do not regret anything that has happened, both with you and in previous encounters with other months. The future is uncertain, and may well be rough, but I am sure in the decisions I am making. I am happy, October.
I must admit that, over the past few days, I've spent a lot of time in thought of our previous times together. There's been a lot of nostalgia there. At times I've wanted to fly away, to the past and to the future and to somewhere entirely different. I'm trying to take that in a positive way.
In addition, I can hardly say you've been bad. We shared the World Mental Health Day event, and that was a true highlight of my life. Recently we have encountered dark nights and bright lights- one of my utmost favourite combinations. There has been plenty of beauty, and hope, and love.
It's been good so far, October, and I truly will be sorry to leave you. I'm glad that we have another week together; especially glad as I have so much to look forward to this week. Let's make it rock October x

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Half Term Pictures

I've almost reached the end of the first week of October half term, and it's been a nice one. Remarkably quiet compared to life usually, which has been weird, but it's been good to take a step back. With life being quieter than normal, I've had a chance to be really grateful for the little things that sometimes get overlooked in my hectic life. I thought I'd share them with you.

'The End'

This week has been the first week I've been able to experience one of my favourite autumn/winter things- walking to 'The End', which is near where I live, and looking out at the lights of Bristol. It's incredibly beautiful and calming and makes me feel really free and happy. It's one of the few things that is guaranteed to make the world feel like a better place, no matter what.

Hot Bubble Baths

A chance to get warm, and clean, and to de-stress and to smell fab!

Curling up in Bed

This is where I have spent most of my week. To be fair, I have been ill. This one's particularly good when it involves a onesie and Netflix. My bed and I have a love affair that will never be broken.

Autumn in the City

The leaves have been changing colour and falling to the ground- I love stomping through them, so crunchy under my feet. Autumn brings a colder breeze that feels just right, not too cold, not too hot, and that seems to make the world feel different.

Dark Evenings, Bright Lights

Anyone who knows me knows that I can't get enough of city lights, or of walking through the city in the dark. I've had loads of opportunities to do this recently, and I've loved each and every moment.

Jumper Time!

 It's finally acceptable to wear a jumper- perfect for cuddling up in. Not just that, but I got this raccoon jumper yesterday (or badger? Not sure, I'm calling it a raccoon) and I absolutely love it.

Toffee Apples

 I had my first toffee apple of the year yesterday! Definitely my absolute favourite Halloween-related treat, and up there in my list of favourite things in general. I have a great memory of an extended family holiday to Disney at Halloween (I was around 9) when everyone else got candyfloss and my aunt and I went off in search of toffee apples!

Hot Chocolate, GS and the Playground Cafe

Today I met up with GS and we went to my favourite Playground Cafe (featured previously here and here). I had my first hot chocolate of autumn/winter 2014, and we played really intense Monopoly for ages. It was super good!!!

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Reunion

Today was thought-provoking. In the afternoon, I met up with some old school friends. I'm going to be really honest, and say that I was reluctant to go. This is nothing against them, they are all absolutely lovely; it was far more to do with me as a person. I'll explain that in a minute.

Anyway, I went. We spent a couple of hours in town, mooching around, then had lunch. That was pretty much it. I have to say, I'm really glad. Again, nothing against them whatsoever. Just me.

You see, being with them made me feel partly like nothing had changed. It could have been us two years ago, going into town on a Saturday near the start of Year 11. I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I've spent a lot of time being pretty nostalgic about the past. However, nostalgia doesn't mean I want to relive it. I am not the person I was two years ago. I can't remember who that person was, really. It's only recently that I've begun to be able to look at myself and think 'yes, that's me'. It's been a huge journey, and one that I will continue, hopefully and probably for as long as I live. Feeling like it was just another day in 2012 made me feel like I haven't got anywhere, like I was stuck in the same place. That's the total opposite of the truth and I know it, but it was still a weird and uncomfortable feeling. 

However, in another way, it was clear that everything had changed, and that it wasn't just like going back in time at all. School friends are weird; they're people you're friends with because you all spend so long in the same building, really. Through that you have mutual events and people to talk about. Once that's gone, you have enough conversation for a quick catch-up, and that's kind of it. There's a bit of reminiscing too, but again, not much and it's soon over. You just don't have enough in common. The four of us have all changed considerably over the past few years, and now we no longer spend so much time in the same building, we don't really have much in common. It was very different.

Added to that was my feeling of being on the outskirts. I guess that was made worse today because we were in town, and town can often make me feel a bit weird and disassociated- it's like seeing the world through a panel of glass, or a little like being in a dream. That probably contributed to my feeling like an outsider. I think it also linked back to the fact that, in the friendship group I used to be in, I often was an outsider, for all sorts of reasons. Skip forward a bit and nothing's really changed.

Lastly, there are the 'me' bits. In general, I find it easiest to have a 'clean break' with people. By this I mean that once I'm through a particular stage or group or event or whatever, I would often rather cut my ties with people than stay in vague contact. I've not explained that very well, granted, but you get the gist. I'm not sure why, aside from that it makes processing emotions a bit easier, and I guess it gives me distance. Of course, there are exceptions to that- there are various people who I'm happy to stay in semi-contact with, and others who I really really hope will never ever leave my life.

As a result of all of these things, whilst it wasn't 'bad' as such to see my old friends again, and they are all totally lovely, it felt weird in ways I didn't like. Which resulted in a soppy post to the Cat Family as I realised how much better I fit in now, how easy it is to be with all of them, how much of myself I have become and how I never want to lose any of them.

After I left town, I went to my friend's house, and had a really lovely evening there. It was the perfect antidote to the afternoon's weirdness, and I am now feeling very blissful and chilled. At the same time, that was thought provoking in it's own way, because I realised that the me I was two years ago would not be in the same place I am now. I am so so much happier now, and I actually feel like things are coming together. The me from two years ago would not have been in the same sort of situation (just gonna allude to this one, if you know you know) that made this evening important. Now, however, I'm intensely grateful for evenings such as the one I had- and that made me so so glad that the last two years have happened and that I've changed.

Basically, it was a really thought-provoking day, and just made me feel really really glad that I live the life I live. Which is a pretty important positive thought actually.

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31st July: A Look Back On The Month

As promised, this post is a day late, because I've been away and wanted to do it justice. Looking through my posts, and thinking back over my month, it's going to be pretty hard to write about everything I want to write about. But here goes!
I'm going to start off with my checklist from the 1st of July. I've put the ones I completed in bold, and the ones I tried my absolute best at or sort of completed in italics. I've not completed them all; that's okay. I'm happy with what I've done!:

-Blog every day
-Enjoy (and do well in?!) the school summer concert
-Set up a plan for the summer
-Complete a week of work experience
-Get signed up to UCAS
-Go to Pride (for a bit)
-Complete a Level 2 course in swim teaching
-Produce a fab Psychology presentation
-Get sorted with what I want to do next year
-Start the NCS programme
-Spend as much time in the sun as possible
-Spend more time with my sister
-Use my phone less
-Finish redecorating my room
-Sleep a lot
-Finish reading Jane Eyre

I think I've done pretty well with getting things done- and as for those I haven't, that just means I have something to aim for. That's the more admin-y bit done. Now I want to look back on my month in general.
The month started off with quite a big event- the school music concert, which we took as an opportunity to say goodbye to four of the most amazing people I know. Though emotional, it was a great night, and I think- hope!- we did them all justice. Everyone who performed that evening was fantastic (as per usual), and I think it was one of the best concerts I've been involved with. I also felt- excuse me if this sounds like I'm blowing my own trumpet!- that the performance BB and I did was probably one of our best. He was a star guitarist, as ever. I got pretty angry through the medium of singing and apparently looked like I was about to eat the microphone. What's not to love?!
The first weekend of July was also the first weekend of my swim teaching course, which lasted three weekends in total. I've now passed Level Two, and am just waiting for my certificate- hoping to look for a swim teaching job as soon as possible, and very excited about it! On the Sunday of that weekend we had a wombbud celebration for my 17th, which was fab, of course!
For a bit of world news; it was around then that I posted about my feelings towards two of my childhood heroes, one of whom was in the news a lot over the course of the month. I could go on about this. I'm not going to.
Another massive event in early July was the school drama group's performance at the National Theatre. A really amazing night that showcased a truly fantastic cast. I applaud you, once again. This trip to London also meant some London fangirling from yours truly- hehe!
In mid-July, one of the highlights of my month (and my year... heck, one of the highlights from my whole LIFE) occurred, as I met (and cried over) the one and only Caitlin Moran, then blogged about it for PBG. I'm aware that I still haven't done a blog post on here about that. It is coming, don't you worry!! More good things happened as I had a fantastic, fabulous time at PRIDE and had a really great week on work experience- which included a large amount of vegetables and a trip to the Playground Cafe!
A lot happened in the week of my work experience-  there was PCH's 18th on the Friday night, and then the final weekend of the swim teaching course. I had lots to celebrate, as I completed my course and got my results for Grade 6 piano! Also that weekend, I headed down to the yearly Harbour Festival. Though I wasn't able to fully participate (due to the swim teaching course), I did manage to go for a bit, which was a different but positive experience- quite calming, and very inspiring. I'm also not forgetting a very important date- this blog's second birthday!! All that in one week!- summed up by my post on gratitude, and being thankful (warning- very long list).
The next week was pretty wombbud-heavy. We sorted out a list of things to do by the end of the year-then seized the day, met up and got some of them done! It was great to catch up with the wombies and to have a day to chill. Though I didn't blog about it, that week had a catch-up with the swimming lot- including BG, who mostly lives in Belgium!- and a picnic with school friends, both of which were really lovely days. Also, on the Tuesday, an LGBT-based video I helped create went live (post to come, promise!!), which was hugely exciting. Finally, the month ended with being ill and, finally, the amazing NCS residential!!
So yeah, that's my month in blog bits! However, there has been a lot more to it than that... I made a fairly big decision about my education; though I won't know until mid-August whether or not this decision is a necessity, I think it will be and I'm glad that I've taken time to consider things. I've also had some other changes and decisions, which have required a lot of thought. They haven't been easy, because decisions never are. However, I feel like I've done the right thing, and that's what counts. I feel like I've grown as a person a lot over this month, and I guess that can only be a good thing.
What else? I've accomplished a lot... Loads and loads of good things have happened... All pretty positive really! In addition, my mental health has mostly remained good, which is pretty amazing, especially considering how I was this time last year. I definitely call this recovery; in fact, I'd go further. I call this happiness.
Thank you July. You've been fab. And hello there August; be kind to me, won't you?

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Be Thankful

Today I saw a display about keeping a gratitude journal- basically, keeping a record of things that you're thankful for. It's an idea that's been quite popular on social media recently, and I think it's a good idea. The statistic on the display was that a gratitude journal can improve happiness by 25%; whether or not that's true, my counsellor at OTR did point out that there seemed to be a link between my mood improving and my own version of a gratitude journal. At the time, I thought what I was doing was too small to have a real significance on my mood. Now, however, I am more self-aware and I do think it was a big help.

As regular readers of this blog will know, I am all for promising to do blog series and never following up on them. Therefore, I'm not going to promise a regular series or anything- I'm just going to post things I'm grateful for every now and again, and I would be thrilled if people want to join in as comment theirs.

So, things I am thankful for from this week...

- Shadowing a really fab guy for work experience

- The group I worked with at the Watershed (more to come on this one!)

- What can be produced when we work together

- Instant best friends

- Hard work that makes you feel like you're actually doing something

- Cute pubs

- People who go out of their way to welcome you

- Those who refuse just to take, but give back as much as they can

- Having a voice

- The amazing increase in my confidence over the past year or so

- Cucumbers, melons and cauliflower

- Amazing quirky cafés

- Hot afternoons by the harbour

- Good conversation

- Thoughtfulness

- The amazing shows out on by the school drama group; always with a message and something to think about

- Lifts home from GS, and friends who are always there to catch me when I fall, never judging, just comforting

- Having enough food, enough of the necessities, enough money

- People who refuse to let their struggles affect their selves

- Amazing friends and good parties

- PCH, for *having* that good party, and also for being awesome all the time

- Enthusiastic young swimmers

- Being able to resolve disputes

- Versatility

- Grown up conversation

- Dancing with kids like a kid

- Jumping up and down and screaming lyrics, because why not

- Catch ups with old friends

- Change and growth

- Later starts on a Sunday morning

- The completion of my swim teaching course

- The amazing events Bristol has to offer

- Independence- being able to enjoy an event by myself

- People watching

- Central library

- Walks around Bristol

- Wombbuds

- Angelberry

- Compliments

- Conversations that really make me think

- This blog- two years on, and I am loving it even more

- My bed!

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Happy Easter?

I didn't do an Easter post this year. That was partly because I was very busy, and partly because I had a lot to think about relating to Easter. A couple of days before Easter Sunday, as my mum and sister were leaving the house to go out with friends for something Easter-related, my mum said 'R said something very true the other day- she said, "what's the point of celebrating Easter if you don't believe in Jesus?" and she's right, what is the point?'. It was just a throwaway comment, but one that got me thinking. After all, I'm not religious, and I don't believe in God/Jesus etc.- so why do I celebrate Easter? Though Christmas has some very strong non-religious connotations (eg, time for love, humanity, peace etc., as explained in my posts from Christmas 2012 and Christmas 2013), Easter is far more heavily based on religion, with it being a celebration of Jesus dying on the cross to save humanity etc. If you believe in that, then it's a really really important celebration- I'm not here to say it's not, or to preach about why I don't believe, or anything like that. I just realised that actually, I guess you could link Easter to new life and stuff, but not in the same way as Christmas has other meanings. There seems to be just two views to Easter- the religious view, and the chocolate view. Seeing as I'm not part of the religious view, that leaves me with the chocolate view, which, to me, felt like I was disrespecting the whole idea of Easter. For some people it is a hugely significant celebration- though it's fine for me not to believe in that, I don't think I should then replace that with chocolate. In addition, I don't want to celebrate something mindlessly, like I need an excuse to eat loads of chocolate. Both of those made my Easter celebrations feel really wrong, and I had a lot of thinking to do.
The upshot of my thoughts was that, for the time being, I will celebrate Easter. It's a family tradition, and it would cause far far too much trouble to try to opt out, plus it wouldn't happen anyway. Also, I do like it when my extended family comes together, and the time we spend together on Easter Sunday isn't overtly religious, though there is an exchange of eggs- again, something I can't opt out of without there being a lot of discussion and hassle and probably resulting in me being told that it's something I need to participate in. For as long as family traditions exist, and for as long as I am home for Easter every year, it's going to be something I take part in, even if I disagree with myself for doing that. To try and almost compensate, I guess, I've decided that for as long as I celebrate Easter in any way, I need to be respectful and go to church, even if I don't believe in what's being said. This is largely paying my respects to my mum, who likes it when I go to church, and partly my way of making myself feel less disrespectful for mindlessly celebrating something that isn't really for me to celebrate. I can't really explain why this makes it better, just for me it does. I know there are some people who would disagree with this, and say that I shouldn't go to church for this reason, but for me this is how it's going to work.
If ever there's a time when circumstances make it acceptable for me to not celebrate Easter, and my views are the same or similar to the present, then I will choose to have as little to do with it as possible. Till then, this is how I'm going to go about it.
Sorry if that made no sense, and I hope no offence was caused. Please remember that this blog is very personal, and I like the fact that it shows my views and opinions and feelings, and my growth and journeys in these. This felt like an important thing to mark for my benefit much more than for anyone else's, and therefore it was a post that had to be written.

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It's Been A Good Term

I was going to write this at the beginning of the Easter break, reflecting on the just-finished term (Term 4). However, I was really busy, and wanted to do it justice, so it got left- up until now!

Since I started writing this blog, I have experienced 10 school terms (one of those being study leave, but oh well), and none of those have merited their own individual blog post. So why now, for term 4 of sixth form? Well, because it's been, as Kait Rokowski might put it, a good term. For the first time in goodness knows how long- maybe since Year 9? Maybe even since the beginning of secondary school?! It's hardly been the smoothest experience- I have been mostly happy for a whole term. This is extraordinary, and I still can't quite believe it's happened. A year ago, I didn't think I'd get here- not just to having a good term, but here at all. This is such a huge contrast to last year, and I couldn't be happier with it.
That's not to say the last term has been perfect, or even easy. It hasn't been. I've had a couple of reasonably major freak-outs, I've not slept well, there have been ups and downs, and there have been times when I've felt triggered. But just the fact that I can count that up is pretty amazing- in Term 3, it would almost have been easier to total the times I felt happy! This is life, and it isn't perfect- in most cases, it's rare to have an extended period of time where everything goes completely 'right'. With the things going on in my life all the time, this is even more unlikely. But when things go wrong, that doesn't mean I can't be happy, or that I can't find ways to cope, or that nothing is ever going to go right ever again. It just means that something went wrong. I can- and have, and will- pick up the pieces, and find my way again.
It has been a good term. I know all too well the precariousness I am balanced on, and I know how easily things can change. But it has been a good term, and that is something to be so incredibly thankful for.
Bring on the next!

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A Year Ago

I've posted quite a bit today, and it's late, and I really should be in bed. However, I wanted to get this post written, to commemorate what today and yesterday have been.
On the 14th of April 2013, I emailed my resignation from competitive swimming to the club chairman. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and one of the most important. It was a landmark, the beginning of the end. I had struggled with my ankle for ages, and it was so incredibly difficult realising that it could defeat me.
However, life went on. I carried on teaching, and I carried on living, and it was okay. More than okay: a visit to a specialist resulted in a diagnosis, a splint, and the hope of treatment. Remember the day I first wore my splint? It was amazing, to be able to swim again. However, it wasn't permanent, and within weeks my ankle was just as painful again.
I blogged about my last ever ankle appointment back when it happened, in January. At the time, it felt as if my whole world was crashing down. I remember trying so hard not to cry in front of the doctor, then getting out into the waiting area and crying and crying and crying. It's not the worst thing I've ever experienced- but it was hard, so damn hard.
Three months on from that, I still have days when I think about how I've got training, or wonder what will happen at swimming, or so on. Then part of me reminds myself that that's not how it works anymore. Last month, I announced at an important open meet that I'd previously swum in- and at the end of the day, there was nothing I could do but curl up and cry, because swimming in it wasn't an option anymore. It's been a form of grieving, getting over this. If that sounds like an exaggeration, think of an activity that part of your life is based around, then imagine that being taken away. It is hard. It is hard.
It's possible, though. I've taken up going on long walks with my dog, which keeps me fit. I teach the learn to swim group, I announce, and I occasionally coach the older ones, which means I'm still involved with the world of swimming. I keep in touch with the friends that I've made. It's not the same, but it's possible to carry on.
When I first acknowledged that I might have to give up, I wrote a letter detailing my thoughts, where I mentioned some quotes from Doctor Who. They're quotes I continue to find useful, those 'billions and millions of unlived days', 'all those days that never came'. I don't know why the quotes are so comforting, I just know that they are. Maybe it's because I like quotes based around living an infinity. Now I'm drawing upon other quotes, too, this time from The Fault In Our Stars, that 'some infinities are bigger than other infinities'. I am forever grateful for the infinity of swimming I got- an expression that couldn't be more apt, as sprinting fly feels infinite. No one is promised anything, and yet I still got this infinity, full of memories and lessons, and even though it's ended there are still the memories, there are still the lessons, and I'm still learning. The effect swimming has had on my life is infinite.
To finish with an adaptation of another TFIOS quote- 'you don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world', but there are still choices, you still get some say, and I will never regret my infinity.
Over and out x

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Ticking.

We were close, once. We would stay up late, just to talk, creating our own world of escape. When the real world got too much, we would turn to each other, would lean on each other's shoulders to survive. We could joke and laugh by barely saying two words, our shared stories numerous, our codes ours, and ours only. We made plans for the future, laid the foundations. There are pictures of us, the three of us, up against the world, featuring a girl in the middle, a girl who's smiling because she's surrounded by her world.
Was the clock ticking even then? Were we merely laughing too loud to hear it, tick tock, tick tock?
Now, we are nearly strangers, but not quite. It is that not quite that hurts. If we were really strangers, nothing would have happened, and I would not miss him quite as much as I do. I loved him, not like a woman loves a man, but like a person loves a person. I loved the lives we shared, and I loved being that girl who smiled, surrounded by her world.
The clock has stopped. I thought, if I wound it up, if I pushed and pulled and pushed, then I could become the clockwork. I thought that I could save us.
I was wrong.
Now, we are nearly strangers, but not quite, and I am reconciling to that fact. I have built my world anew, I have jokes and stories and lives that don't require the old foundation. I can still miss him, still love him, but there are others to love, too, others who are not strangers. I still have the memories, and the thought that maybe one day the years will rewind, and we will be less of strangers again. But the world has gone on, and I am still standing.
There are pictures now, and there is a girl who smiles, and she smiles not because she has lost, but because she knows that the world goes on.

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Goodbye 2013

So, 2013... What a year. So, so much has happened this year, and I can only hope that my 2013: Year In Review post has done it justice. However, I also wanted to do an overall post, like the one I did for 2012.

As I said last year, I love New Year. It feels so exciting, and hopeful. A fresh start is coming, and I want so much to make the most of it. Anything could happen in the next year. I want to embrace it.

2013- where do I start with you, eh? It's been a huge huge year of beginnings and endings. Earlier, caught in the nostalgic spirit of this time of year, I thought of all the people who I no longer really know- and for some people, that's something I'm quite pleased about (!), for some, it's been a huge thing to get used to- for example, a lot of my close friends from secondary school moved to different sixth forms, so though I still know them, it's not the same. There, I could name names, but I'd never stop, so I won't even start! However, I also want to give a shout-out here to my old Biology teacher, who left our school in the summer- she was the one who introduced us to BSL, which became such a big part of my confidence-boosting during the Leavers Assembly. Endings have also included leaving secondary school, and resigning from swimming, at least for the time being. Those were both huge things for me!

On the other hand, endings generally come with beginnings, too, and that has definitely been the case. I have met some amazing people- for example, the fantastic Womb Buds- and there have been some great beginnings in things such as sixth form and my AS level courses.

Of course, a lot of other things have happened this year, some good, some bad! I have definitely hit some of my lowest points this year- but I've some of my highest, as well. Once again, I didn't think I was going to get to here, to being able to see 2014 in. But you know what? I am more glad that words can say to still be standing. Highlights of this year have included Gambia, KT Tunstall, cats, flash mobs, BSL, Cardiff, prom, chat up lines, Laura Mvula, Bosnia, Holland, Gabrielle Aplin, folk, Music, Leavers Assembly, Westminster, support acts, mahogany, wombs, ALS, burlesque stripper songs, Charlotte Salt, emails/free periods, Signing Thursdays, Access to Bristol, Blakey... Need I go on?! I think that those far more than outweigh the negatives, and I feel this year has been one of my best. I've learnt so much this year, and I finally feel as if I'm growing into the person I was born to be.

I'm going to post my list of 50 things for 2014 sometime tomorrow; however, I guess my main resolution is, like last year, to be the best me I can be- and to always remember to live, laugh and love.

Once again, I will post this song, as it's one of my favourites and always fills me with the hope that New Year's inspires!

Auld Lang Syne- Lea Michele (cover)

I guess this just leaves me to sign off, and to wish you all a very happy new year. In the words of last year:

Thank you, so, so much to everyone who has made my 2013 so amazing. I love you all, more than I can say.
Here's to you, 2013. You've been a challenge, but you've also been rewarding.
Here's to you, and to all your 2013 has brought. I can only hope that it's been positive- and if not, that 2014 will be better.
Here's to me.
Here's to us, for being here, for doing this, this thing we call life.
Here's to all that's good in the world, from cats to mahogany and everything in-between.
Here's to you, 2014. Let's make it a good one.
xox

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Merry Christmas

I've just got back from a midnight service, and am cuddled up in bed with warm milk and 'The Chalet School Christmas Story Book', so it seemed like a good time to do my Christmas post!

Last year I remember writing about remembering the true message of Christmas; I felt very sad then, for the shooting at Sandy Hook had been not long before, and my thoughts were full of all the bereaved families. Therefore, I want to begin with a word of love for them, a year on- though Christmas will never again be what it once was, I hope that they are doing the best they can, in the circumstances, and know that we're still thinking of them.

For a lot of people, Christmas is an incredibly hard time- though it can be a truly lovely time to come together, it can also be a painful reminder of people who aren't there, or similar things. It's also extremely stressful- families and friends are great, but all at once can be hard work. A lot of the time the world seems to go on about feeling festive without stopping to think of those who can't partake in those feelings, for all sorts of reasons. To those people- I love you, and I am thinking of you.

To stick with a serious note, it also often seems like the world forgets what Christmas is about. It's not about the presents, or the food, or dressing up an letting your hair down. It's about humanity, and love, and hope: a time for some of the most beautiful parts of human nature to come together. Please don't forget that, when you eagerly rush to see what Santa has brought you.

In the service I went to today, they spoke of my favourite historical event, and I want to share that with you: Christmas 1914, in the trenches. Many had hoped that World War One would be over by Christmas- obviously, that never happened. The soldiers felt demoralised, and probably as detached from Christmas as you can feel. However, in the midst of that, something magical happened: the German soldiers lit candles, and started singing carols. One of them got out of the trench, and walked  bravely across 'No Man's Land'. It was a hugely risky move, but it paid off- the British soldiers did the same, joining in the carols and crossing to shake hands with their 'enemy'. For the whole of Christmas Day, they held a truce. The opposing soldiers came together to talk, to joke, to exchange small gifts, to play football- they even retold the Christmas story and prayed. One day of absolute peace.

I absolutely adore this story, and find it incredibly moving, because I think it reflects the true meaning of Christmas, as a time of peace; and when I say I wish Christmas was all year round, I'm not thinking of the presents, but of the positive feelings it provokes. I wish those would last.

It's really late now, and I need to get some sleep, so I'll finish there. But please, please- remember the true message of the celebrations. I love you; Merry Christmas one and all.

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Thoughts On Bosnia

Sometimes it occurs to me that I've been writing less and less on this blog about how I'm feeling, the thoughts and emotions that come to me. Well, part of that is for a reason- I've been feeling very low recently, and don't want to put that in a place where I might later regret it, or it could affect others. However, I also think that I need to be open about how I'm feeling, especially as this is something I'm aiming to encourage in others (long-term; I'll explain more as and when it crops up, but for now it's just a plan). Therefore, I decided to share with you some of the thoughts I'm currently facing relating to Bosnia.
Firstly, I must admit that I don't have a huge idea of what the circumstances in Bosnia are like. Part of that is that I'm hopeless with history, much as I love it, and part of that is that even though I could read up on it and find out what's happened/happening, I'm choosing not to. From my time in Gambia, I know that nothing I was told could have really prepared me for what we experienced. There are cases where you really have to go and immerse yourself in things, rather than spending time trying to prepare.
I'm very very excited- I can't wait to meet new people, and feel more like I'm doing something to help. I really love working with people, and doing as much as I can to benefit them! I'm also looking forward to experiencing a new country, new culture etc., especially one so different to ours.
On the other hand, I'm also quite nervous. I've been very ill recently- that is to say, extremely low in mood. I wish I could explain this more, but that's been part of the problem. I feel let down by a couple of authorities (sometimes it's a lot safer to generalise!) and I'm still to see whether that will have a big long-term impact on things. I've been reassured that things are going to change etc., but only time will tell really. Wish I could explain this a little more, but I'm conscious that I don't know who will read this, and, as with anything on the internet, if you're unsure whether or not to say something, it's better not to say it. I also had a bad experience in trying to ask for help last week, which wasn't anyone's fault, just that I got to the point where I was completely inarticulate in saying what I needed. Things have improved now, through spending some time away from my house (weekend trip to Devon), through looking at other avenues to be explored and through being supported. Though most of this support system I will still be able to 'reach' whilst I'm away, I will be restricted in a couple of things, which is quite scary. I'm also nervous that I will go back to feeling low and not be able to do what I'm going there to do. Of course, this is a very very low risk, as there should be enough to keep me occupied/distracted, and knowing I have to keep going to help others will be very good at keeping me more balanced. Reassuringly, I had similar worries (on a lesser scale, but still, similar worries) before I went to Gambia, and I still count that as being two of the happiest weeks of my life.
Those are currently my main thoughts about Bosnia. I could write a lot more- I've just realised how much I miss being able to blog about my thoughts and feelings! And who knows, maybe I'm helping others, both by being open and by maybe making people feel less alone?- but, alas, I have packing to do. In fact, I haven't actually started yet...
So hasta la vista for now, and expect some more 'personal' posts once I have returned.
Big love x

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A Guarantee

If I can guarantee you one thing in this world, it is that nothing is guaranteed. You will spend minutes thinking one thing, only to realise another. There will be hours spent planning the cemented plans that suddenly fall apart. Months will be used to prepare for times that will never happen. Nothing is guaranteed, except for that fact itself: and one other.
For I can also promise you that, if you keep going and do what is right and good, if you look after and love not just the people around you but yourself as well, if you try your hardest and never give up, then the fact that nothing is guaranteed will not matter. Because you'll get through whatever is thrown at you- and you'll come out smiling.

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The Last Letter From Your Lover

I'm currently reading this for the second time, and falling in love with it all over again.
Without spoiling the storyline, it's basically set in the 1960s and follows a woman in high(ish) English society who has an affair. (There's also a storyline of a woman who's having a modern-day affair, but that's not nearly as interesting.) Though there are a lot of differences, it's quite reminiscent- to my mind at least- of Anna Karenina; I watched the film recently, now aiming to read the book!
Anyway, something that really intrigues me about both storylines is the way that the men who have been cheated on refuse to break up with their partners; they give them chance after chance. It's a totally different world to now- if someone in a relationship so much as looks at someone else, their respective partner seems to instantly scream, 'Go, and never darken my towels again!!'. I think I prefer the old way, where people stayed together and tried to reconcile. It seems more like 'love' to me.

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