Sometimes it occurs to me that I've been writing less and less on this blog about how I'm feeling, the thoughts and emotions that come to me. Well, part of that is for a reason- I've been feeling very low recently, and don't want to put that in a place where I might later regret it, or it could affect others. However, I also think that I need to be open about how I'm feeling, especially as this is something I'm aiming to encourage in others (long-term; I'll explain more as and when it crops up, but for now it's just a plan). Therefore, I decided to share with you some of the thoughts I'm currently facing relating to Bosnia.
Firstly, I must admit that I don't have a huge idea of what the circumstances in Bosnia are like. Part of that is that I'm hopeless with history, much as I love it, and part of that is that even though I could read up on it and find out what's happened/happening, I'm choosing not to. From my time in Gambia, I know that nothing I was told could have really prepared me for what we experienced. There are cases where you really have to go and immerse yourself in things, rather than spending time trying to prepare.
I'm very very excited- I can't wait to meet new people, and feel more like I'm doing something to help. I really love working with people, and doing as much as I can to benefit them! I'm also looking forward to experiencing a new country, new culture etc., especially one so different to ours.
On the other hand, I'm also quite nervous. I've been very ill recently- that is to say, extremely low in mood. I wish I could explain this more, but that's been part of the problem. I feel let down by a couple of authorities (sometimes it's a lot safer to generalise!) and I'm still to see whether that will have a big long-term impact on things. I've been reassured that things are going to change etc., but only time will tell really. Wish I could explain this a little more, but I'm conscious that I don't know who will read this, and, as with anything on the internet, if you're unsure whether or not to say something, it's better not to say it. I also had a bad experience in trying to ask for help last week, which wasn't anyone's fault, just that I got to the point where I was completely inarticulate in saying what I needed. Things have improved now, through spending some time away from my house (weekend trip to Devon), through looking at other avenues to be explored and through being supported. Though most of this support system I will still be able to 'reach' whilst I'm away, I will be restricted in a couple of things, which is quite scary. I'm also nervous that I will go back to feeling low and not be able to do what I'm going there to do. Of course, this is a very very low risk, as there should be enough to keep me occupied/distracted, and knowing I have to keep going to help others will be very good at keeping me more balanced. Reassuringly, I had similar worries (on a lesser scale, but still, similar worries) before I went to Gambia, and I still count that as being two of the happiest weeks of my life.
Those are currently my main thoughts about Bosnia. I could write a lot more- I've just realised how much I miss being able to blog about my thoughts and feelings! And who knows, maybe I'm helping others, both by being open and by maybe making people feel less alone?- but, alas, I have packing to do. In fact, I haven't actually started yet...
So hasta la vista for now, and expect some more 'personal' posts once I have returned.
Big love x