21) Do well in Year 13

CW- mention of exam grades

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13to14: Classroom Assisting

As I'm only doing two formal subjects, I've had to make up the rest of my timetable with an EPQ (Extended Project Qualification- essentially a research project mini dissertation-esque thing that counts as a qualification), and helping out around the school. I've chosen to spend an afternoon (as well as odd bits and bobs) each week in the school's inclusion centre, and to provide help to the Humanities department in a number of different lessons. This began on Friday, as I helped out in a GCSE Sociology class. I've helped out in lessons before, so knew roughly what to expect (and what would be expected of me!)- I enjoyed it, and- hopefully!- having me there is useful :) I think the helping out is something I'm really going to appreciate and draw upon this year, as it gives me something a bit more 'grown up' (I'm sure there's a better word, but I can't think of it!) to do as opposed to feeling like a child still in sixth form.
Anyway, I've now completed the first week in Year 14, albeit not a full one! Looking forwards to seeing what the next week brings! :)

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13to14: First Day!

Soooo Thursday was my first official day as a Year 14... I was super super nervous and didn't really expect it to go well, so made sure I had nice plans for the evening to look forwards to. However- it was actually really good!! We only had afternoon lessons, which I think helped- Thursday is my only full day of timetabled lessons, hence I was apprehensive as it meant starting rather in the deep end. Having no morning lesson was weird, and I initially was against it (just wanted to get on with it all!), but I think it was for the best. That meant I only had Sociology in the afternoon, which was a perfect way to start, really. Sociology was fine- I'm really excited about the course content and, as with last year, the lessons are always amusing. I feel 110% comfortable and happy with the class, so all is good there :) After the lesson I was able to catch up with more people, and to get my timetable sorted in terms of volunteering etc.! This year I'm helping out in several classes, as well as in the school's Thrive/inclusion centre. So pleased with all of that :)

The only slight hitch today was in beginning the process of having people ask me why I'm still here, am I retaking etc etc., which I've been dreading. But it was only one person, so I guess it could have been worse!

Lastly, my day ended in a super lovely way with drinks with the Wombies. I think that's my top tip, from today: when approaching a potentially difficult situation, set yourself a reward for afterwards! :)

Over n out! X

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13to14: Induction

As many of you know, this year I am in Year 14. I am not retaking, but ended up with weird options & new subjects, making a third year of sixth form necessary. I've had mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I'm looking forwards to it- I like my subjects and am looking forwards to a greater depth of knowledge, I like my teachers, I'm mixing learning with volunteering... There's lots of good things. However, it's also been incredibly difficult; for example, watching peers move on as I'm stuck in the same place, and dealing with the change of my entire year group leaving. Things are the same- but also not. It's weird. As far as possible, I want to track how it all goes on this blog, as both a record and an outlet for me, and for others who may be interested. So here goes!

Today was Induction Day; pointless for the Year 13s who've been at the school for a year (at least) already; even more pointless for me, having been at the sixth form for two years and the lower school five years prior. I appreciate that the teachers did try their best to make today interactive, interesting and inspiring- but it was somewhat patronising and cliche at times. At other times it was frustrating and a bit ridiculous. However, I'm not going to dwell on that; I'm sure that's how every sixth former feels about such a day!

For me, today was weird because I was back at sixth form- but the people I expected to see weren't there. Obviously the year below are- but my year aren't. I keep expecting to see my friends; a couple of times I almost mistook people for them. It was very weird. There's also been a lot of change- for example, new displays etc in the main building. I hate change, and it's all very weird. Worse is that the timetable's completely changed, after 7 years of staying nearly exactly the same. I've got that to get my head around tomorrow, and I'm somewhat dreading it.

So today was difficult. But there were some bright moments, as well. I got my tutor group sorted out, and my tutor ('academic mentor') is someone I get along well with and who teaches me. I'm happy about that. I've sorted out helping out in a few lessons already, which is good & I'm looking forwards to. I got to catch up with friends & teachers about their summers, which I enjoyed, and there was much of the usual- the old- joking around. There were some very bright moments!

Tomorrow we have only a half day, which I'm not looking forwards to- I just want to start already, to get back into the swing of things. There's also dealing with the huge timetable change, which is going to be a big one. Also, I know that tomorrow my closest friend isn't in, which may be difficult. I have friends still, but I feel like an outsider. The other Year 14s seem to have banded together- but I don't want to join them (not least because I feel like an outsider there too), because I want to fully integrate with the other year group. I'm hoping that'll happen over time.

On the bright side, tomorrow I will hopefully get to catch up with more people. There will be the new Year 12s to meet and speak to, and I'm going to push myself to sit with my friends in Year 13 so as to start to feel less of an outsider. I'm really looking forwards to my lesson- I love both my subjects this year! And hopefully I'll get my timetable more sorted, which will be good. Lastly, I've made plans to see the Wombies in the evening, which I'm very excited about. All will be okay. All will be okay.

I'm so determined to make the most of this. I'm so determined to treat this well.

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Year 14: FAQ/FNAQ

With Results Day approaching, I figured I'd do a FAQ as to what I'm doing next year. At the same time, I've added in some FNAQ questions- frequently not asked questions, also known as the questions I can see ticking round people's heads (yes, I know not everyone has wanted to ask these questions, but some people have). Admittedly, some of this is passive aggressive; but hopefully by reading you'll see how difficult and frustrating this is.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are you doing next?
Starting in September, I'm returning to sixth form, to start in Year 14 .

Why?
A lot of reasons. I guess the main one is to do with the options I chose to do in Year 12. I dropped one subject halfway through, and didn't do as well as I would have liked in the other one. Hence, I chose to drop that, too, bringing my A level subjects to two. As most universities are looking for at least three, I then had to pick up another- and I figured that, in that case, I might as well take one in addition to that. Also, taking an extra year meant that I had more time to figure out university (this time last year I had no idea what I wanted to do). And all of it- dropping first one subject then the other, taking an extra year, everything- has been done with my mental health as an utmost priority.

So, are you retaking?
No. As it stands, I'm not retaking.

What subjects are you doing?
As things stand, I'll be doing A2 Law and A2 Sociology. To fill up my timetable and ensure funding etc., I'm also planning on volunteering within the lower school and doing an EPQ.

Do you still want to go to university?
Yes, most definitely. At the moment, I'm hoping to take Sociology with Creative Writing at Surrey. I'll be applying this year, for 2016 entry.

Would you recommend doing an extra year? 
If that's what's going to work for you, then yes. Definitely. I'm not going to lie, it's difficult- but it's going to get me to where I need/want to be, and that's the main thing.

Frequently Not Asked Questions

Why weren't your original results 'good enough'?
Because I didn't do as well in Music as I would have liked. As I had achieved what I wanted in my other two subjects (at least at AS), the Music grade would have limited me from using my other two grades as much as I could have done- so it felt right to try and do better in a different subject. To put it bluntly, I got AAD at AS, and was predicted to get the same at A2. Most universities that are looking for A grades are looking for AAB or similar; having AAD would have prevented me getting into such universities. As there was a chance of getting a B in a different subject, it felt like a good move to try. I hope that made sense.

You realise this makes you sound really narcissistic/stuck up/vain/big-headed, right?
I do realise that. I do hate myself for that. It's less to do with being any of those things, and more to do with being the opposite. If you don't know how that works, then I am jealous of you.

Why are you such a perfectionist? 
Do you want the full answer to this? I don't think you do, somehow. In short, because I am incredibly self-critical and unable to accept myself unless I'm perfect. Yes, I know it's not healthy. Yes, I should be working on this. Yes, I should be using CBT to conquer this. No, you do not know everything, and you definitely don't know enough to judge any of this. Go away now please.

So are you saying that other universities aren't good enough?
No, I'm not. All universities are amazing, all university degrees are amazing, and I firmly believe that it doesn't matter where you go to university (or even if you go to university at all), everyone is perfectly capable of excelling. All I'm saying is that I would like to make use of the grades I have.

But you're clever? Why are you staying on?
But being clever and doing an extra year at sixth form are two completely different things? I've already explained why I'm staying on. Stop being judgemental.

What about a gap year?
That's not really going to be an option. I'd really rather not talk about it, to be honest. I've wanted to do a gap year- to travel, to explore, to help, to live- for as long as I can remember. It's not going to happen, and that keeps hitting me at weird moments. I'm dealing with this best by not thinking about it. Please.

Isn't this the easy option?
Yeah. Definitely. Watching my friends moving on and going off to their new lives, being stuck in the same place for another year, feeling slightly out of place no matter what, not getting the gap year I wanted... This is, quite obviously, the easy option. Totally. 110%.


I bet you're glad you're not off to uni yet?!
Oh, sure. I'm really enjoying watching other people be excited about starting afresh, with new places and people and adventures to look forwards to. It's great, thinking that I'm stuck with the same old, same old for another year. I'm glad. So glad. Please leave me alone now. I know you're well meaning, I really do, and I appreciate that you're trying, but this is actually really difficult, and comments like this aren't helpful.

You've chosen to do this, right? So why do you seem unhappy with it? 
You're right, I've chosen to do this. I had to weigh up pros and cons, and this is what seemed best. And I'm glad I've chosen it. I know it'll be worth it, I know it's the right choice. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier. I'm still spending another year at the school I've been at for seven years already. I'm still watching people go off and start new lives. I'm still grieving for the gap year I wanted. Yes, this is the right decision. But it's also frustrating and difficult and challenging. I would really appreciate it if you could see that from my point of view, and support me in this. 

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Last Day (Or Not)

I really really hate the last day of school before the summer holidays. I mean, really super hate it. It's just blah and weird and I don't know how I feel about it all. So yeah. I get a heck of a lot of support, structure and contact from going to school every day, and losing that is really weird. It just feels so odd walking away from the school building, knowing I won't get all of that for six weeks... However, this summer there's another weird feeling going on too. For almost everyone else in my year, school is now over, forever. Most of my year group friends are talking excitedly about university, or at least jobs and gap years and apprenticeships and what-not. Me? I've got another year to go at sixth form. Obviously, I chose to do this, and I do not regret my decision- it's given me more time to sort my head out, and it means that, ultimately, I will end up where I want to be. I'm also not going to waste my extra year; I have plenty of exciting and fulfilling things lined up! But it's still hard, y'know? For one, I feel a bit out of touch with people; I'm struggling to talk to people in my year, because they're all focused on moving on, and I can't do that. That's a lot of friends I'm finding it difficult to be with right now. In addition, it just feels so same-old same-old, to know that, in the autumn, I'll be returning again. For years I've been planning my gap year; and that hasn't happened. I'm kind of mourning that, I guess. I don't know. I want to leave so badly, to get away and start afresh- and, at the same time, my head's thrown into a spin at the thought of a mere six weeks away. I guess I don't really know what I want at the moment... To those thinking of
doing sixth form over three years- do it, definitely do it, if you think it'll be right for you. But it isn't easy, it really isn't easy.

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Prom

I'm going to be really honest... I didn't enjoy Year 13 prom. It had some good moments, sure (mostly due to my ultra-fabby Head of Year and the Post 16 secretary, who are two utterly wonderful people); but, for the most part, I felt nervous and uncomfortable. It was just a stressful experience. However, I did think I'd share a couple of pictures, just 'cause why not.

Prom Garb

Ready to Go!

Three Musketeers

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Daisies & Skateboards

I've officially finished AS Sociology!! Yay!! Well- I hope I have anyway, all depends on exam results. But for now I have!! The exam was okay; I'm just trying not to overthink it. What I want to blog about is a beautiful half hour of my day that came after the exam. To set the scene- my sixth form is near an orchard, with sloping grassy bits, which are great for rolling down. They're also great if you manage to acquire a skateboard, which one of my friends did today... Cue half an hour or so of watching people go down the slopes in all manner of ways- I'm amazed no one got seriously hurt, especially as there are trees all around!! We provided some great entertainment (also a distraction oops) to the classrooms that could see us; at least three windows were filled with students watching. We probably looked like total idiots, but ah well. We're teenagers, we're allowed!! I only went down a couple of times but it was super fun!! I also enjoyed just dancing around in the sun, admiring the daisies and not worrying about revision for the first time in a while! After a really stressful, intense-revision-y week, and the exam, a bit of fun & laughter was just what I needed! Yay!

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Education: Master Post

As I did for Families and Households, here's a master post for Education (AQA AS Sociology).

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Revising... Or Not

Sometimes, one of the most important parts of revision is knowing when to stop. At the moment, I'm feeling a lot like I should be revising all the time. However, I also know that that's not healthy. Rest, and relaxation, are just as important for doing well in exams. Today, I had plans to do at least two hours of revision, if not more. It's not almost half six, and I've done about an hour, and that was less revision and more homework. I'm not feeling too happy with myself- but I think that, tonight, the revision needs to stop here. It's been a pretty full on week, with my first exam and S Club on the same day. With IDAHOBiT tomorrow, a very revision packed weekend and two exams next week, it's not going to get any easier. Right now, I'm feeling absolutely exhausted. PMS isn't helping; I've ended up having a pretty difficult day, and have eaten lots of rubbish as well, which hasn't really helped. I *could* try to revise for a couple more hours, and my brain is telling me that I should- but what good would it do? Nothing's going to go in, and, in this state of mind, I'm going to focus more on what I don't know than what I do. If I revise too much, I'll tire myself out even more, and tomorrow will potentially be even worse. So, it makes most sense to stop. I can take a break, relax and get an early night; then, tomorrow, I'll be rested, refreshed and far more ready to crack on with some good-quality revision. The phone is off, the bath is about to be run... Tonight, I am relaxing!

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AQA AS Sociology (Families and Households) Condensed

Following yesterday's information overload, I thought I'd create a condensed, bullet point version of the families and households content...

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Sociology Master Post

So uh with three days (!!) to go before my Sociology exam, I thought I'd try and create a 'master post', with all the main points from Unit 1 of AS Sociology (AQA). Just to prevent this clogging up the main page, click on if you're interested...

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Domestic Division of Labour

Part two of my Sociology revision! Today, I'm looking at the domestic division of labour...

Let's start off with Oakley (1974), a fairly prominent feminist sociologist when it comes to the course we're doing. She said that the 'housewife role' was socially constructed, and began through industrialisation, when work was taken away from the home. Then, women started leaving the labour force to undertake housework and childcare, making men the sole breadwinners, and leaving them economically dependent. Hence, the housewife role was constructed. Oakley criticised Young & Willmott's findings, saying that it was exaggerated. Based on her own research, she concluded that husbands were helping with housework, but not in a way that made their role symmetrical to women. For example, only 25% had  a high level of input in childcare, and this tended to be based around the 'good' aspects, like playing with the children. No smelly nappies here!! Boulton (1983) agreed with these findings, and reinforced the view that men helping with tasks here and there was not equal to the role women were taking.
Other theorists have seen a trend towards equality in recent years- for example, Gershuny (1994) found that married women in full time did less house work when compared to those in part-time or no work; Sullivan (2000) agreed with this.
Another way of looking at the issue is to take the studies done by Silver (1987) and Schor (1993), who said that economic and technological developments mean that there are affordable goods and services to help with housework. Therefore, there's less of a burden in this area. Schor even went so far as to call it the 'death of the housework role'. However, critics argue that such goods and services aren't an option for poorer women, and that the housework that remains is still divided unequally.
Though this trend towards equality is looked on positively by some, others see it as causing women to have a dual burden- they have to work and take care of the house/children. Ferri and Smith (1996) found that, though female employment has increased, they remain the primary carers, meaning that women go straight from work in the daytime to constant childcare in the evenings. Arber and Ginn (1995) said that this was worst for working class women, who couldn't afford the childcare that the middle class could. The idea of the dual burden can even be extended to include another element- emotion work, for example making sure that everyone in the house is mentally okay. Duncombe and Marsden (1995) said that women now have a triple shift- they have to do paid work, housework/childcare and emotion work.
As with many things going on in society, it can be difficult to assess things because so much of our lives are steeped in subtle tradition. In this case, the gender roles of a male breadwinner and a female homemaker are so ingrained into our minds and societies, that it's difficult to change them, or even to look beyond them. It could easily be argued that every relationship has someone who takes all the work- in most couples, it just happens to be the woman. However, Dunn (1999) studied lesbian couples, and found that these relationships tended to be more equal, including in terms of housework and childcare. This supports the view that women in heterosexual relationships do more housework not accidentally, but due to the ongoing impact of the patriarchy.

So yeah... Um, that's the domestic division of labour!!

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Comic Relief 2015

For Comic Relief, our sixth form held a dress up day, with a theme of 'film characters'. Whilst I was wondering what to go as, my mum mentioned having seen a trailer for the new Suffragette movie. Perfect!

Unfortunately, only a few people (ie, four!) dressed up- most people donated by buying cakes from the cake sale instead. However, it was still fun to get involved :) Below, from left to right: Top Gun, Suffragette, Lara Croft and Wednesday Addams (the Addams family). Woo!

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Sociology: Couples

So um as I'm trying to do Sociology revision, I thought I'd share some Sociology stuff with everyone... Aren't you lucky!? Please note- this is Sociology, but it's also mixed with my views. This is how I'm revising. If you want an entirely fair, non-biased account, look elsewhere. That's not what I'm trying to provide. Enjoy :)

One of the main names when it comes to sociological perspectives on couples is Parsons (1955). He investigated the traditional nuclear family- a family in which there are a married couple and their dependent children. In this type of family, the husband performs the instrumental role and the wife the expressive role. In easier terms, that means that the husband goes out and works; the woman is left to look after the house. Parsons comes from a group of sociologists known as functionalists. This group tends to see society as being a bit like a machine with lots of cogs. For society to function properly, all of these individual cogs- such as education, and the family- must be doing their bit. Therefore, this theory states that the traditional nuclear family is a necessity for the rest of society to work. What's more, Parsons said that people are biologically predisposed to these roles- that is to say, that men are meant to go out and work, and women are meant to stay at home. Hmmm. I disagree, Parsons. I think that there's plenty of evidence of women being just as good at working, and men being just as good at staying at home. Or both. Or neither. What's more, when you relate something to biology, it means that it's a trait that will be found universally. However, that's not the case: there are many examples, both in our society and cross-culturally, where women and men are doing all sorts of roles. So there. Sure, the argument that, contextually- in the 1950s- this theory was pretty strong is still valid. In the 1950s, most of the couples in Britain and America probably did fit into the traditional nuclear framework. This doesn't make it a 'right' framework; the fact that we've (somewhat) moved away from it and society is still standing supports that. Moreoever, that doesn't mean that it's biologically intended either. Even in the 1950s, there were plenty of other cultures in which this pattern wasn't found. One of the biggest issues with dubbing something as biological/genetic is failing to remember that Britain and the US aren't the only countries in the world. Meh.
Moving on. Bott (1957) came up with two types of couple. The first has 'segregated conjugal roles'. This is similar to Parsons theory in that there is a male breadwinner and female homemaker. In addition, the couple spend their leisure time doing separate activities. However, Bott also came up with an alternative- 'joint conjugal roles', wherein the couple equally share household tasks, and their leisure time is spent together. Though an improvement on Parsons, as it allows for a family type different to the traditional (patriarchal) norm, it's still fairly limiting. What about couples who have a maid? Or couples who travel a lot, and struggle to spend leisure time together? Or- you could go on and on. Basically, it's better, but it's still attempting to fit couples into boxes. Not good.
Lastly, here come Young and Willmott (1973) with a different view again. They saw couples as having reached the 'symmetrical family'. Be warned: the name is deceiving. In Maths, we learned that 'symmetrical' means identical on both sides. What Young and Willmott mean is a family in which the roles are similar- so not symmetrical, but heigh ho, I guess they get creative licence and all that. Anyway, in this 'couple type', women work (either full or part time), and men help with housework and/or childcare. Their leisure time is spent together, and life is very home-centred. Young and Willmott have even looked at aspects of progression in their theory- they theorised that the symmetrical family had come about due to changes in women's position (meaning that women were more equal, so could work etc.), geographical mobility (allowing families to move and live their own lives, as well as meaning that couples might not live within easy distance of friends/family- so they have to rely on each other more), new technology (making housework easier) and higher standards of living (so the home is a nicer place around which to base your life). With this, Young and Willmott fit into the 'march of progress' view- the idea that the world is constantly improving. This is a much more optimistic view of couples. However, many feminist theorists feel that their findings are exaggerated, and that true equality- such as that suggested by Young and Willmott- is still a long way off. I agree with this; I think there's definitely still  belief that women should be at home, and that men should be at work. Internalised sexism, y'all. Also, Young and Willmott still don't allow for couples that don't fit into the 'norm', and that irks me rather a lot.


I think maybe I've just confirmed myself as a really angry feminist? Whoops. But it's helped me revise, nd maybe it'll help someone else too. Obviously that's only a tiny fraction of sociological perspectives around couples, but that's all that the AQA AS level requires. So I'm done. Yay!! Now- off to get dressed, tidy my room and celebrate International Women's Day (a trifle early, but ah well).

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15) Improve mental health awareness/education in school

***This is a scheduled post***

This one is going well!! I'm doing a set of assemblies next year based around mental health and awareness, and I'm working on getting some more mental health education in place too. Woo!!

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Bumper Christmas Post

As you can probably tell from my lack of blogging, I've been super super busy with Christmassy stuff recently. I wanted to post about different events separately, but I think it'll just take too long- so call this a bumper post of Christmas bits!!
My first 'exciting event' was going to see the pantomime with Young Carers. It was really good, and I enjoyed being a kid again in clapping along and joining in with all the audience participation bits!

Last weekend, I helped out with the local church's Christmas fair. I was in charge of one of the kids activities, where they made a silver sequinned bell. It was a lot of fun, but there was lots and lots to clear up afterwards!!

On Sunday, there was another party to help out with, this time one at my aunt's workplace. My mum and I did glitter tattoos for a couple of hours- as with the previous, it was fun, but got very messy very quickly!

On the last Wednesday of term, I had a day similar to last year, with Christmas events left, right and centre! The Sofa Gang had our Secret Santa present swap, which was great fun, and very cute.

It was also the school's music concert, which meant we had choir rehearsals during the day. It also meant that several members (though not all, unfortunately) of the Cat Family came back in, which was so good!! Also no flash mob, sadly- but, after the concert, GS and I had great fun, involving an upside down life-size Santa cut-out and the Music office. I think this warrants it's own post soonish!

Thursday evening heralded the swimming club's Christmas meal, for teachers, parents and Masters swimmers. It was an all-you-can-eat- hence I ate far too much, and I was so tired that I was practically asleep by the end! But it was good to see everyone in an informal setting.

 

As it probably sounds, it was a pretty exhausting week, and by Friday I was more than ready to crash- which I did by having a candlelit bath and decorating my room. A pretty perfect way to unwind and recharge!

Saturday and Sunday were both quieter days, spent doing Christmas present preparation. On Sunday evening I helped to run a fun session for the swimming kids, then went to the youth group Christmas party. Due to a key kerfuffle we ended up locked out of the building we're usually based in, so we had to find an alternative- which ended up being the local shopping centre! I'm sure we got a lot of odd looks, and we did get a bit of a reprimand for doing a human pyramid in the middle... Hehe! Also, I discovered the power of wearing glitter...

 

Yesterday (Monday), it was time for Mentality's Christmas event. We had a treasure hunt around the German Christmas Market, then finished with a very welcome trip to ZaZa Bazaar, a very popular all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant in Bristol. There was much hilarity and it was a lovely afternoon/evening.In the picture, you can see the 'hairstyle' that one of my friends attempted on my hair. Yes, that is a cracker...

 

When I got back home on Monday evening, my sister, my mum and I decorated the tree/living room. It now looks all lovely and Christmassy!!

Finally, today I had Christmas with the Womb-Buds- we went ice skating, meandered around town, went to St Nick's Market, had bubble tea, got Kinder Eggs and explored the various Oriental supermarkets in the central area. All in all, a very lovely day!!

Phew!! It's been exhausting just going through all that I've done, never mind living it in the first place! However, it's all been fabbity, and I am very very excited for the next few days!!

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Stuck.

At the moment, most of the people in my year are finishing their personal statements, applying to universities and eagerly awaiting their offers. It seems like a day doesn't go by without someone mentioning 'UCAS' or 'application' or 'offer' or 'university'. It's an exciting process, working out what you're doing to be doing for the next three years. On top of that, Facebook is full of friends already at uni, posting pictures of their new friends and the events they've been to, talking eagerly about their new lives. Everyone seems to be moving somewhere at the moment. Maybe that's why I feel so stuck and caged in.
It's not that I'm regretting my decision to stay at sixth form for another year. Given the circumstances, I still feel that I made the right choice, and that it'll pay off at the end. It's just really really difficult to think that, in a years time, everyone else will have moved on, and I'll still be here. Still going to the same school I've been attending for the past six years (seven by then), living in the same area, doing the same things. I really do love my life, bu I want to stretch my wings. I want to start afresh, somewhere where no-one knows who I am. I want to find a city and make it mine, all mine, with no-one else able to take that from me. I want to make my own memories, with different people and different places, my head full of new sights and sounds. I want to grow up, and to fully become my own person.
All of this just makes me feel even more volatile and unpredictable than usual. I'm always in need of making changes- that's part of the reason I dye my hair so much, and has been the reason for several of my piercings. But right now all the body modification in the world couldn't make the world move in the way I want it to. I want to run away and join the circus, or learn how to fly a hot air balloon and make it all the way to America. Obviously, neither of those are possible, but I'm still racking my brains for something I can do, some change I can make to make this stillness more bearable. Throwing myself into Christmas is my plan for now, I guess. Focusing on my schoolwork, too, so that when the time comes I'll be able to go wherever I want.
Sigh.

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Life, Right Now

A lot of my posts recently seem to have been quite deep and thoughtful. If you're enjoying that, then the good news is that I have some more of those in the pipeline! However, I wanted to take some time now just to write a bit about my life- what I've been up to recently!

Last week was super super busy with the preparation for an event to mark World Mental Health Day. There was lots to do, especially as I was partly in charge of the social media side, so tried to get as much publicity done as possible. It was challenging at times, but I really threw myself into all of the preparation- mental health and it's awareness is something I feel incredibly strongly about, and it was good to have an outlet for that passion.
The actual event was on Saturday. I don't want to write much about it because I really want to give it it's own post, and do it justice there. For now I'll just say that the whole day was absolutely amazing- I loved every minute of it, and can't wait for the next opportunity to do something similar. It finished with bubble tea, a walk home in the dark, dancing through the park and the thought that I really do love what I do, and do what I love.
Sunday was quieter- I met up with a friend, watched TV and did some homework. I had the beginnings of a cold so didn't feel up to swim teaching; however, I went to youth group in the evening as I wanted to see my friends, and it was a really interesting session.
Woke up on Monday with a worse cold, and by Tuesday I was more than ready to take the day off of school and just curl up in bed! So that day was largely spent in my onesie, trying to get work done. I did manage to get out in the evening to walk the dog though, which was good.
Recovering from the cold now; I was back in sixth form yesterday, and that's where I am right now! this evening I've got a session with Mentality, the youth group who organised last week's WMHD event, and then I'm announcing at the swimming club championships. It'll be a busy evening, and I'm sure I'll be pretty glad when I'm tucked up in bed- but a good one too!
Next week is the start of the half-term, which I'm really looking forward to. I'm going to Sussex with a friend, then to somewhere near London with family. Also got a Young Carers event which I'm really looking forward to! Then the rest will be school work- revision and coursework. Fun fun fun...

So yeah, that's kind of my life lately. Being ill, sixth form, loads of school work, dog walking, family, volunteering and swimming... And less sleep than I would like!!

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Reunion

Today was thought-provoking. In the afternoon, I met up with some old school friends. I'm going to be really honest, and say that I was reluctant to go. This is nothing against them, they are all absolutely lovely; it was far more to do with me as a person. I'll explain that in a minute.

Anyway, I went. We spent a couple of hours in town, mooching around, then had lunch. That was pretty much it. I have to say, I'm really glad. Again, nothing against them whatsoever. Just me.

You see, being with them made me feel partly like nothing had changed. It could have been us two years ago, going into town on a Saturday near the start of Year 11. I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact I've spent a lot of time being pretty nostalgic about the past. However, nostalgia doesn't mean I want to relive it. I am not the person I was two years ago. I can't remember who that person was, really. It's only recently that I've begun to be able to look at myself and think 'yes, that's me'. It's been a huge journey, and one that I will continue, hopefully and probably for as long as I live. Feeling like it was just another day in 2012 made me feel like I haven't got anywhere, like I was stuck in the same place. That's the total opposite of the truth and I know it, but it was still a weird and uncomfortable feeling. 

However, in another way, it was clear that everything had changed, and that it wasn't just like going back in time at all. School friends are weird; they're people you're friends with because you all spend so long in the same building, really. Through that you have mutual events and people to talk about. Once that's gone, you have enough conversation for a quick catch-up, and that's kind of it. There's a bit of reminiscing too, but again, not much and it's soon over. You just don't have enough in common. The four of us have all changed considerably over the past few years, and now we no longer spend so much time in the same building, we don't really have much in common. It was very different.

Added to that was my feeling of being on the outskirts. I guess that was made worse today because we were in town, and town can often make me feel a bit weird and disassociated- it's like seeing the world through a panel of glass, or a little like being in a dream. That probably contributed to my feeling like an outsider. I think it also linked back to the fact that, in the friendship group I used to be in, I often was an outsider, for all sorts of reasons. Skip forward a bit and nothing's really changed.

Lastly, there are the 'me' bits. In general, I find it easiest to have a 'clean break' with people. By this I mean that once I'm through a particular stage or group or event or whatever, I would often rather cut my ties with people than stay in vague contact. I've not explained that very well, granted, but you get the gist. I'm not sure why, aside from that it makes processing emotions a bit easier, and I guess it gives me distance. Of course, there are exceptions to that- there are various people who I'm happy to stay in semi-contact with, and others who I really really hope will never ever leave my life.

As a result of all of these things, whilst it wasn't 'bad' as such to see my old friends again, and they are all totally lovely, it felt weird in ways I didn't like. Which resulted in a soppy post to the Cat Family as I realised how much better I fit in now, how easy it is to be with all of them, how much of myself I have become and how I never want to lose any of them.

After I left town, I went to my friend's house, and had a really lovely evening there. It was the perfect antidote to the afternoon's weirdness, and I am now feeling very blissful and chilled. At the same time, that was thought provoking in it's own way, because I realised that the me I was two years ago would not be in the same place I am now. I am so so much happier now, and I actually feel like things are coming together. The me from two years ago would not have been in the same sort of situation (just gonna allude to this one, if you know you know) that made this evening important. Now, however, I'm intensely grateful for evenings such as the one I had- and that made me so so glad that the last two years have happened and that I've changed.

Basically, it was a really thought-provoking day, and just made me feel really really glad that I live the life I live. Which is a pretty important positive thought actually.

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