13to14: Quick Update

Had a bit of a weird couple of weeks... People leaving for university was really difficult, and made me feel pretty rough. Just realised how much I would rather be starting at university, alongside missing people who've left. It was not the most fun! However, I had a lovely weekend away on a training course (more to come!), and my outlook is currently a lot more positive. I'm never going to be thrilled to be staying for this extra year, but now I'm more determined than before to make the most of it. Focusing on the positive exciting plans- of which there are lots!- and finding ways to broaden my horizons, however possible. The world is beautiful!

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The Nice Things List

Recently, I've been feeling very trapped- watching everyone prepare for and go off to university has been difficult, as I would love to be doing that, but instead have another year in the same place. I'm absolutely determined to make the most of it, however, and am doing that in a number of ways. But, aside from making the most of it, I thought I would create a list- entitled, rather unimaginatively but very fittingly, 'The Nice List'. It's a list of nice things (or new things, or fun things) to do- one for each week of the year. I'm going to make sure to do one every week, so that I remember to take time to do interesting things, and as an act of self-love. The things on the list are varied (and some crossover with my list of 25 Things), and I think I've got a real mix of things to look forwards to- which is exactly what I wanted, so already this list is working! I've decided that some weeks I'll start the week with an intention of doing one of the things; some weeks, maybe an opportunity will present itself to me; and other weeks, I'm going to put all of the remaining things into a hat and draw one out at random! Here's to a year full of Nice Things! (Also; whilst I've already done a couple of the things on this list, I've decided that anything from before starting back at sixth form doesn't count. Which is just an excuse to do them again, really!).

1) Make a gratitude jar

2) Learn a new skill

3) Go to a nice restaurant

4) Hand out compliment cards

5) Contact someone I haven't spoken to in a while

6) Bake cookies/cakes & take them into school

7) Go roller skating

8) Go to (and take part in!) an open mic night

9) Do karaoke

10) Visit somewhere I've never been before

11) Go skinny dipping

12) Treat a friend

13) Go away (at least overnight)

14) Buy a new dress (probably from Apricot)

15) Create an accomplishments book

16) Get a new piercing

17) Hug a stranger

18) Hand out lemons wearing a top saying life

19) Buy a stranger a drink

20) Go out for cocktails

21) Make someone's day

22) Put together a care package for someone

23) Go to Clifton Rockslide

24) Finish watching OITNB

25) Have a bath with a Lush bath bomb

26) Find somewhere to see the stars (properly)

27) Do a week of (my style) really healthy eating

28) Do a clear out of clothes

29) Buy nice lingerie

30) Sort out the Den

31) Base a week's clothing on the rainbow

32) Spend an afternoon in a bookshop

33) Thank the people who mean a lot to me

34) Read a new, random book

35) Give someone a copy of my favourite book

36) Spread the love!

37) Organise a nice event

38) Fold 100 origami cranes (in rainbow colours!)

39) Write an important blog post

40) Write a poem

41) Complete three pages of writing every day for a week

42) Host a story telling night

43) Fancy dress with friends

44) Have a pamper evening

45) Show someone one of my favourite places

46) Carpe diem

47) Play a whole game of Monopoly with my sister

48) Create a comprehensive happiness list

49) Make something creative & beautiful

50) Find a way to meet new people

51) Make sure to smile at everyone I see

52) Do something nice for someone without being asked

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13to14: Classroom Assisting

As I'm only doing two formal subjects, I've had to make up the rest of my timetable with an EPQ (Extended Project Qualification- essentially a research project mini dissertation-esque thing that counts as a qualification), and helping out around the school. I've chosen to spend an afternoon (as well as odd bits and bobs) each week in the school's inclusion centre, and to provide help to the Humanities department in a number of different lessons. This began on Friday, as I helped out in a GCSE Sociology class. I've helped out in lessons before, so knew roughly what to expect (and what would be expected of me!)- I enjoyed it, and- hopefully!- having me there is useful :) I think the helping out is something I'm really going to appreciate and draw upon this year, as it gives me something a bit more 'grown up' (I'm sure there's a better word, but I can't think of it!) to do as opposed to feeling like a child still in sixth form.
Anyway, I've now completed the first week in Year 14, albeit not a full one! Looking forwards to seeing what the next week brings! :)

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13to14: First Day!

Soooo Thursday was my first official day as a Year 14... I was super super nervous and didn't really expect it to go well, so made sure I had nice plans for the evening to look forwards to. However- it was actually really good!! We only had afternoon lessons, which I think helped- Thursday is my only full day of timetabled lessons, hence I was apprehensive as it meant starting rather in the deep end. Having no morning lesson was weird, and I initially was against it (just wanted to get on with it all!), but I think it was for the best. That meant I only had Sociology in the afternoon, which was a perfect way to start, really. Sociology was fine- I'm really excited about the course content and, as with last year, the lessons are always amusing. I feel 110% comfortable and happy with the class, so all is good there :) After the lesson I was able to catch up with more people, and to get my timetable sorted in terms of volunteering etc.! This year I'm helping out in several classes, as well as in the school's Thrive/inclusion centre. So pleased with all of that :)

The only slight hitch today was in beginning the process of having people ask me why I'm still here, am I retaking etc etc., which I've been dreading. But it was only one person, so I guess it could have been worse!

Lastly, my day ended in a super lovely way with drinks with the Wombies. I think that's my top tip, from today: when approaching a potentially difficult situation, set yourself a reward for afterwards! :)

Over n out! X

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13to14: Induction

As many of you know, this year I am in Year 14. I am not retaking, but ended up with weird options & new subjects, making a third year of sixth form necessary. I've had mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I'm looking forwards to it- I like my subjects and am looking forwards to a greater depth of knowledge, I like my teachers, I'm mixing learning with volunteering... There's lots of good things. However, it's also been incredibly difficult; for example, watching peers move on as I'm stuck in the same place, and dealing with the change of my entire year group leaving. Things are the same- but also not. It's weird. As far as possible, I want to track how it all goes on this blog, as both a record and an outlet for me, and for others who may be interested. So here goes!

Today was Induction Day; pointless for the Year 13s who've been at the school for a year (at least) already; even more pointless for me, having been at the sixth form for two years and the lower school five years prior. I appreciate that the teachers did try their best to make today interactive, interesting and inspiring- but it was somewhat patronising and cliche at times. At other times it was frustrating and a bit ridiculous. However, I'm not going to dwell on that; I'm sure that's how every sixth former feels about such a day!

For me, today was weird because I was back at sixth form- but the people I expected to see weren't there. Obviously the year below are- but my year aren't. I keep expecting to see my friends; a couple of times I almost mistook people for them. It was very weird. There's also been a lot of change- for example, new displays etc in the main building. I hate change, and it's all very weird. Worse is that the timetable's completely changed, after 7 years of staying nearly exactly the same. I've got that to get my head around tomorrow, and I'm somewhat dreading it.

So today was difficult. But there were some bright moments, as well. I got my tutor group sorted out, and my tutor ('academic mentor') is someone I get along well with and who teaches me. I'm happy about that. I've sorted out helping out in a few lessons already, which is good & I'm looking forwards to. I got to catch up with friends & teachers about their summers, which I enjoyed, and there was much of the usual- the old- joking around. There were some very bright moments!

Tomorrow we have only a half day, which I'm not looking forwards to- I just want to start already, to get back into the swing of things. There's also dealing with the huge timetable change, which is going to be a big one. Also, I know that tomorrow my closest friend isn't in, which may be difficult. I have friends still, but I feel like an outsider. The other Year 14s seem to have banded together- but I don't want to join them (not least because I feel like an outsider there too), because I want to fully integrate with the other year group. I'm hoping that'll happen over time.

On the bright side, tomorrow I will hopefully get to catch up with more people. There will be the new Year 12s to meet and speak to, and I'm going to push myself to sit with my friends in Year 13 so as to start to feel less of an outsider. I'm really looking forwards to my lesson- I love both my subjects this year! And hopefully I'll get my timetable more sorted, which will be good. Lastly, I've made plans to see the Wombies in the evening, which I'm very excited about. All will be okay. All will be okay.

I'm so determined to make the most of this. I'm so determined to treat this well.

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Year 14: FAQ/FNAQ

With Results Day approaching, I figured I'd do a FAQ as to what I'm doing next year. At the same time, I've added in some FNAQ questions- frequently not asked questions, also known as the questions I can see ticking round people's heads (yes, I know not everyone has wanted to ask these questions, but some people have). Admittedly, some of this is passive aggressive; but hopefully by reading you'll see how difficult and frustrating this is.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are you doing next?
Starting in September, I'm returning to sixth form, to start in Year 14 .

Why?
A lot of reasons. I guess the main one is to do with the options I chose to do in Year 12. I dropped one subject halfway through, and didn't do as well as I would have liked in the other one. Hence, I chose to drop that, too, bringing my A level subjects to two. As most universities are looking for at least three, I then had to pick up another- and I figured that, in that case, I might as well take one in addition to that. Also, taking an extra year meant that I had more time to figure out university (this time last year I had no idea what I wanted to do). And all of it- dropping first one subject then the other, taking an extra year, everything- has been done with my mental health as an utmost priority.

So, are you retaking?
No. As it stands, I'm not retaking.

What subjects are you doing?
As things stand, I'll be doing A2 Law and A2 Sociology. To fill up my timetable and ensure funding etc., I'm also planning on volunteering within the lower school and doing an EPQ.

Do you still want to go to university?
Yes, most definitely. At the moment, I'm hoping to take Sociology with Creative Writing at Surrey. I'll be applying this year, for 2016 entry.

Would you recommend doing an extra year? 
If that's what's going to work for you, then yes. Definitely. I'm not going to lie, it's difficult- but it's going to get me to where I need/want to be, and that's the main thing.

Frequently Not Asked Questions

Why weren't your original results 'good enough'?
Because I didn't do as well in Music as I would have liked. As I had achieved what I wanted in my other two subjects (at least at AS), the Music grade would have limited me from using my other two grades as much as I could have done- so it felt right to try and do better in a different subject. To put it bluntly, I got AAD at AS, and was predicted to get the same at A2. Most universities that are looking for A grades are looking for AAB or similar; having AAD would have prevented me getting into such universities. As there was a chance of getting a B in a different subject, it felt like a good move to try. I hope that made sense.

You realise this makes you sound really narcissistic/stuck up/vain/big-headed, right?
I do realise that. I do hate myself for that. It's less to do with being any of those things, and more to do with being the opposite. If you don't know how that works, then I am jealous of you.

Why are you such a perfectionist? 
Do you want the full answer to this? I don't think you do, somehow. In short, because I am incredibly self-critical and unable to accept myself unless I'm perfect. Yes, I know it's not healthy. Yes, I should be working on this. Yes, I should be using CBT to conquer this. No, you do not know everything, and you definitely don't know enough to judge any of this. Go away now please.

So are you saying that other universities aren't good enough?
No, I'm not. All universities are amazing, all university degrees are amazing, and I firmly believe that it doesn't matter where you go to university (or even if you go to university at all), everyone is perfectly capable of excelling. All I'm saying is that I would like to make use of the grades I have.

But you're clever? Why are you staying on?
But being clever and doing an extra year at sixth form are two completely different things? I've already explained why I'm staying on. Stop being judgemental.

What about a gap year?
That's not really going to be an option. I'd really rather not talk about it, to be honest. I've wanted to do a gap year- to travel, to explore, to help, to live- for as long as I can remember. It's not going to happen, and that keeps hitting me at weird moments. I'm dealing with this best by not thinking about it. Please.

Isn't this the easy option?
Yeah. Definitely. Watching my friends moving on and going off to their new lives, being stuck in the same place for another year, feeling slightly out of place no matter what, not getting the gap year I wanted... This is, quite obviously, the easy option. Totally. 110%.


I bet you're glad you're not off to uni yet?!
Oh, sure. I'm really enjoying watching other people be excited about starting afresh, with new places and people and adventures to look forwards to. It's great, thinking that I'm stuck with the same old, same old for another year. I'm glad. So glad. Please leave me alone now. I know you're well meaning, I really do, and I appreciate that you're trying, but this is actually really difficult, and comments like this aren't helpful.

You've chosen to do this, right? So why do you seem unhappy with it? 
You're right, I've chosen to do this. I had to weigh up pros and cons, and this is what seemed best. And I'm glad I've chosen it. I know it'll be worth it, I know it's the right choice. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier. I'm still spending another year at the school I've been at for seven years already. I'm still watching people go off and start new lives. I'm still grieving for the gap year I wanted. Yes, this is the right decision. But it's also frustrating and difficult and challenging. I would really appreciate it if you could see that from my point of view, and support me in this. 

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Last Day (Or Not)

I really really hate the last day of school before the summer holidays. I mean, really super hate it. It's just blah and weird and I don't know how I feel about it all. So yeah. I get a heck of a lot of support, structure and contact from going to school every day, and losing that is really weird. It just feels so odd walking away from the school building, knowing I won't get all of that for six weeks... However, this summer there's another weird feeling going on too. For almost everyone else in my year, school is now over, forever. Most of my year group friends are talking excitedly about university, or at least jobs and gap years and apprenticeships and what-not. Me? I've got another year to go at sixth form. Obviously, I chose to do this, and I do not regret my decision- it's given me more time to sort my head out, and it means that, ultimately, I will end up where I want to be. I'm also not going to waste my extra year; I have plenty of exciting and fulfilling things lined up! But it's still hard, y'know? For one, I feel a bit out of touch with people; I'm struggling to talk to people in my year, because they're all focused on moving on, and I can't do that. That's a lot of friends I'm finding it difficult to be with right now. In addition, it just feels so same-old same-old, to know that, in the autumn, I'll be returning again. For years I've been planning my gap year; and that hasn't happened. I'm kind of mourning that, I guess. I don't know. I want to leave so badly, to get away and start afresh- and, at the same time, my head's thrown into a spin at the thought of a mere six weeks away. I guess I don't really know what I want at the moment... To those thinking of
doing sixth form over three years- do it, definitely do it, if you think it'll be right for you. But it isn't easy, it really isn't easy.

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Prom

I'm going to be really honest... I didn't enjoy Year 13 prom. It had some good moments, sure (mostly due to my ultra-fabby Head of Year and the Post 16 secretary, who are two utterly wonderful people); but, for the most part, I felt nervous and uncomfortable. It was just a stressful experience. However, I did think I'd share a couple of pictures, just 'cause why not.

Prom Garb

Ready to Go!

Three Musketeers

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