I have tried writing this letter many times, and not yet got very far with it. I've realised now that I can't put how this feels into words. As someone wise once said, 'my thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations'. The irony is that I wrote a letter like this before. The difference then was that I didn't know you we're definitely gone. Now I do.
The other difference is slightly more important. This time, I am ready to move on. I know that. I could even say that I have moved on. However, I want to finish this letter, knowing that this is the end of another chapter in my life. An important chapter- but there's another one waiting to be told. I want to get to that chapter, Star. I love you, and believe I always will, in some way. But not like I did, once upon a time.
Having struggled with writing this already, I want to write a list: a collection of things, memories, emotions, thoughts, moments. Something I'll always have; something to bring closure. Here goes.
- When we first met, I loved you instantly, from the moment you walked past me.
- You are not typically beautiful. However, you are still one of the most beautiful people I know.
- I knew this moment was going to come, from the moment I fell. I knew there would be this sense of an undefined ending, and I knew I would always want more.
- You are extraordinary.
- You have the ability to do so well, to go so far in life. Nothing would make me happier than to know you're doing amazingly.
- I can still remember how it felt to be hugged by you, and to hug you back.
- I thought at the beginning that forever would never be long enough to spend with you. Though I still feel like that in some ways, I am mainly too busy being grateful for what I had.
- You inspired me, and I think that's a beautiful thing to be able to say about someone.
- Whenever I see any quotes relating to people never leaving us, or teaching us things, or leaving footprints, I think of you. I learnt a lot in the past two and a bit years. I hope they are lessons I will remember.
- I know I don't mean the same to you as you mean to me. I am fine with that. Honest.
- This hasn't hurt anywhere near as much as I thought it would. In a way it's been a relief. It was still painful, but I was ready.
- Once, you asked about the 'rash' on my arms. I don't think you believed my answer, but the hug you have me was like healing.
- Your smile is magical.
- I am so so grateful for having known you, and nothing can ever take that away. We shared moments, memories. They may be over, but they're not gone.
There's so much else I could say, Star, but I want to leave it there. I need to get on with life, with the next chapter.
Thank you, a million times over, for being a beautiful part of my life. I wish you all the best for the future, and I hope that maybe one day we'll meet again. Not yet, but one day.
I hope that in my letter I somehow held some of the beauty these last two years, and my experiences with you, have held. I love you, Star, but in a different way. I'm ready to turn over the page, and I'm excited to see what life throws at me.
Here's to you Star, and here's to me.
xox