Realisation

Today I had a CAMHS meeting where it was decided that I'm no longer doing a six week course of CBT-based counselling, which was set up for me to begin on Monday, and instead that I'm to have a year of weekly psychotherapy sessions. A year. That is a daunting thought. I'm also nervous as I'm not convinced that psychotherapy is going to work; it involves working out how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling this way- which, when I have absolutely no idea kind of implies that the meetings are going to be fairly silent. Plus, it's kind of tag-lined as 'helping me to get to know myself'. Which is what I was doing in the CAMHS sessions that I eventually quit, as they weren't helping.

However, there's another part of me that wants me to try it- I have no other options, so technically nothing to lose. Also, maybe the person I work with will be the person who manages to find answers to some of the questions. Who knows.

I think I've mainly convinced myself into going; I feel frustrated when I think about it, and I just want to get the sessions started already, but at the moment I'm happy to go, just about. I need to do this, for myself and others.

I also finally had a moment today of realising that I really don't want to harm myself. It might not seem like much, but that was a huge moment for me. It was the moment of realising that nothing I do to my body, in any way, is going to make things better. I don't think I've ever had that moment before- I've had times of forcing myself not to self-harm, but not like this, not like realising that it's not even really an option. Why hurt myself because I hurt? I don't need to do this to myself.

I also really really want to get to my current goals- I've written them all out in my diary to encourage myself. Obviously, the long-term aim is never ever again, and I would so so love the last time to really be the last time. However, at the moment I have my little goals- another day, get to ten days, etc.- and my bigger ones- 40 days, 80 days (which I've never before reached), 100 days and 200 days. If I keep this 'run' going, then Day 40 will be the same day as I'm going to a concert with IG and BB, which is a good goal.

I don't want to have to cover up my arms because I have cuts; I don't even want the scars, anymore. I don't want to feel rubbish all the time. I want to be able to feel happy, and enjoy things, and be good for my family, not bad for them. The only way to do that is through recovery.

I am going to work so so so hard on this. Okay, I will have bad days, and it will feel like I'm not getting anywhere. But I'm determine to do what I can- setting goals, acknowledging my successes, small and big. I want to try and use this blog more effectively in my recovery- I think I've said this before, but this time I'm even more determined. 

I can and will recover.