You know what pisses me off? Society's conceptions of what constitutes success and failure. You know what really pisses me off? The fact that, all too often, I find myself unconsciously conforming to these conceptions.
This could apply to lots and lots of scenarios; however, the one in question is A levels, and the expectations surrounding these. For a lot of Year 12 students, there seems to be a huge amount of pressure to do four AS levels (not BTECs, never BTECs), getting as high a grade as possible- As, preferably- in each, all the while putting on a perfect front of the immaculate scholar, never struggling with anything. Why? Because, apparently, that is best, and that is what society requires for us to do well, to get good jobs, to be accepted. However, I think that this is a pressure that has no founding. Sure, doing well in AS exams is a good thing; but it's not the be all or end all. There are so, so many other things that are just as important- for example, being a healthy and happy well-rounded individual. Why aren't we pushing that one, Gove?
The reason I'm talking about this now is because, over the past few weeks, I have truly felt the pressure of these expectations. Since starting my AS levels, I've been struggling with Biology. I tried everything to do better, and it wasn't working; the only thing that happened was that I got more and more stressed- it was having a serious negative effect on my mental health. Of course, the obvious choice was to drop it- but that option felt barred to me. Dropping it would mean admitting that I couldn't cope, that I was struggling with it, that I wouldn't get my four AS levels, as expected of me. On the other hand, I knew that, at best, I would get a D or a C in the final exam. Being a perfectionist, I knew that that would upset me a lot. I felt stuck.
Then, one Friday, I was sat in Biology, learning about oxygen dissociation curves, trying my best to concentrate on something I really really wasn't interested in. For some reason, our class went off topic, and started discussing fraternal and identical twins. Intrigued by this, I stopped listening to the lesson, and concentrated instead on looking up intersex twins: and that's when I had my bingo moment. I realised how stupid it was, to be sat in a class I didn't enjoy and wasn't doing well in, when there were so many other interesting things I could be learning about. Though part of me still felt it would be admitting defeat, a larger part was reassuring me that it would be a good idea. I would no longer have to stress over the subject, I would have more time to spend on my other subjects- and I would be able to do my own learning, finding out about equally important things that I found interesting.
After a bit of debate with my head of year, it was agreed that yes, dropping Biology was going to be the best option: and a few days later, I was no longer a Biology student. However, even to the end I felt like I was being pressured, with my head of year saying that I could get an A. No, I couldn't. I knew I couldn't, and it annoyed me that this was still being mentioned when dropping the subject had all been okay-ed (however, in my head of year's defence, she is lovely, and I know she didn't mean to annoy me by saying that!).
And now? How do I feel about my decision, a week or so on? Overwhelmingly proud of myself. My choice might not be something I can talk about on my CV, it might not be something that other people will understand my feelings about, but it's still one of my proudest moments. I realised something was wrong, and went against society's expectations and my internalisation of this to make a choice that was right for me. For me, it was a big step in terms of recovery, too- in a lot of the counselling/therapy work I've done, the standards I set myself and their impact on my mental health have been something that's come up. In this case, I actively changed my mindset to improve my mental health. I made a big change., one that others might well disagree with. And I am proud.