Yesterday I returned to sixth form. Much excitement- or something like that. I can't say that I wasn't excited in some ways, as there were things I was really looking forward to. However, I was also hugely anxious and stressed about it all. Last term, I made the decision to drop Music, leaving me with two A2 subjects (Psychology and English Language). To make up for this, I had to pick up two new AS levels- Sociology and Law. This wasn't the easiest of decisions, but it was one I put a lot of thought into it, and I can now say that it's something I'm happy with overall. It's just going to take some getting used to, and I've had to accept that there will be parts of it that could be difficult. Long term, that will be taking an extra year when many of my friends have left, and giving up on my gap year dreams. Short term, there's a whole host of other things to deal with...
I knew when I got my timetable that yesterday had the potential to be difficult- on Thursdays, I have both my AS subjects. That meant that yesterday was similar to starting sixth form all over again- except that I wasn't, and the combination of the two made things quite difficult to deal with. Though I didn't have to worry about finding rooms (thank goodness), I did have to go in by myself (which I put off, both times, until the very last minute) and try to find a friendly face to sit by. There was no one I really knew in either class, which made me feel a lot more anxious; in both cases I kind of just went for whichever seat I could find! For Law I also don't really know the teacher (though I do kind of know her, which is better than nothing!), which was nerve-wracking. As a consequence of everything, I was really really quiet, which is nothing like I am normally, but then again the rest of the class was pretty quiet, so it wasn't out of place. I felt like I was giving a bad impression though- made even worse when I was late back from break (got waylaid talking to my old head of year). Thankfully I've known the Sociology teacher for quite a while, and we get on really well, so that was a little less nerve-wracking, and I spoke a bit more. Unfortunately, I did have the problem of doing group-work with people who I didn't know but who all knew each other... Bit awkward.
Even without the stress of starting new subjects, going back to school was hard- I really really don't cope with change at all, and there's often a lot of change to process at the beginning of a new school year. There are loads of new faces around the place, and occasionally the school changes around a bit. There were two even bigger changes this year: firstly, we have a completely different leadership team, which means that it's all change in general, which will take a while to get used to and means that I no longer know anyone in the leadership. Pretty scary, especially when last year I got on really well with both my head of year and the Year 13 head, so was happy talking to either of them if I needed to. Also, most of the Cat Family have left, which makes me sad. It's weird not seeing them around the place, and even weirder knowing that they won't be in Music, or at Music after-school club. Heck, I won't be in Music much, or at Music after-school club. Yet another thing to get used to.
As a result of all of that, I felt pretty exhausted and stressed out by the end of yesterday. I then went to Mentality, and then to meet up with CF, who was at a social thing for a group she works with. That meant being around new people, which in retrospect probably wasn't the best idea as it was another stressful occurrence- think I overdid it on the stressful situation front yesterday!
Today was no better; to accommodate my other choices, I've had to move my English Language not just to another class, but to another school. That meant getting the bus from somewhere I've never caught it before, getting to the school, getting to my class, settling in where everyone has their groups/friendships already, two teachers I'd never even heard of before, catching up on the work they did last term... Incredibly full on!! Made easier because I know someone in the class quite well, and other friends are doing lessons at the school at the same time- thank goodness!!
Following all of this, we had an assembly at school which didn't go down too well. The less said about this the better really, it just left everyone with mixed feelings and morale wasn't so great.
After all of that, got home to find out that my sister had to write about her family today. What did she say about me? 'I love playing with my sister when she has time'. The first bit was adorable; the second bit made me sad, and even more stressed. I wish I had more time to play with my sister :(
All in all, it's been a pretty tough couple of days, and I'm feeling very much worse for wear now. Very very much in need of some serious sleep, hugs and a relaxing weekend!!
However. I don't want to leave this on a negative note, because there have actually been some really good moments in the last few days- I spent my last day of the summer holidays in the best way possible, with tea and fabulous company. I then received a couple of really really lovely, motivating texts on Wednesday/Thursday that made me smile a lot and made things a lot easier to deal with. On Thursday I got to see people again, there was lots of catching up, and there were hugs all round several times, which was lovely. Although the leadership in sixth form has changed, my tutor's the same, which is really positive. Mentality was fab, and it was really good to see CF on Thursday, as stressed as I was. Finally, today some of the Cat Family came into school in the afternoon, which made me absolutely thrilled beyond words, and I played Monopoly with my sister this evening!! Also just the fact that I did get through it all, and I've coped pretty well considering, and I know it could all have gone a lot lot worse. So- stressed, tired, anxious and realising I've overdone it, yes. But I still can't say it's been a *bad* couple of days, I know it'll get better once I've settled in more, and it has made me appreciate the good moments a lot more!
Definitely time to hit the hay now. Over and out x